RIP AC/DC

acdc-logo

It was back in 1989 or so when I heard my first AC/DC track. At the time, my dad was a garbage man and he would often bring home stuff he found in the garbage that was too nice to throw away. He picked up the garbage in a few very nice neighborhoods and often times they would toss out something a year old when they upgraded the following year, and my dad would jump on it. He would bring home nice TVs, radios, toys for us kids, and one day he brought home a cassette of High Voltage.

acdc-high-voltage-album-cover

My dad was cutting the grass in the back yard that day and he had the cassette in a tiny radio on the back porch, cranked up as high as he could get it, blasting AC/DC into the back yard while he mowed. I went outside to see my dad for the first time that day and was hit hard by what I heard. This was the first time I had heard AC/DC.

I’m not sure what track it was, but I knew instantly I was listening to something I wanted to listen to more of. It wasn’t long before he had told me all he knew about AC/DC and I was listening to his High Voltage cassette over and over again.

Eventually I started getting more of their albums, and then one day while at the store I saw their Live At Donington VHS. At that point I had no idea you could watch a band perform live on tape. I didn’t have to beg, my dad bought it instantly for me. I took it home and watched all 2 hours of it. Again. And again. And again. Suddenly I was a fan of a whole bunch of other songs by them that I hadn’t heard yet, and some new singer who didn’t sound like the guy I had come to know.

I looked at the dates on the albums I owned and then the date on the VHS and realized I had albums from the 70s and that concert was 1990. Clearly the singer I had heard from the 70s had gotten older and his voice had changed. I was too young and uninformed to know that legendary Bon Scott, AC/DCs first front man had passed away (just a couple months after I was born) and Brian Johnson had taken over. Even my dad hadn’t shared that info with me.

Because of Angus Young jumping and running around on stage like “a chinchilla on speed” (I read that in a review of them once) and playing the baddest music ever, I decided I wanted to play guitar. My dad bought me a guitar and signed me up for lessons. I have been playing the guitar for 20 years now.

I’m sure a lot of musicians get their start that way. I once wrote a paper on AC/DC in high school about how they were the greatest band of all time. I didn’t convince my teacher, but it was while writing that that I found out one of the first songs (if not the first) that Kurt Cobain learned to play on guitar was Back In Black. I would have paid tons of money to hear Nirvana cover an AC/DC tune.

I began collecting their albums on cassette. By my mid-teens I had begun to get their albums on CD, but I made sure to get everything on cassette as well, a collection I still have to this day. I even have a couple original printings of their albums on vinyl.

In 1995 AC/DC released Ballbreaker, their twelfth international album. There had been rumors the band was retiring and that this would be their last album. Our local radio station played the album from front to back the night before it was released in stores. My mom got it for me the next morning on her way to work. That night I listened to it from front to back, and at the end of the album I was pissed that it just ended. Surely if they were retiring they would have recorded a goodbye message for their fans, right? I was an idiot, but more so, I didn’t want them to retire.

That’s when I heard they were coming around in concert to promote Ballbreaker. I got my paycheck the day before tickets went on sale and had the money ready. The morning of I went to my local Ticketmaster, a counter at one of the local grocery stores in the area, a Thriftway, and I waited. I showed up an hour early because I wasn’t letting somebody have my ticket. Finally when they opened I bought two tickets, one for me and one for my dad. It cost me almost my entire paycheck, just about $90, and I discovered I was seventh row from the stage.

The day before the concert I came down sick, but that didn’t stop me. We drove to Louisville, KY to Freedom Hall (got lost on the way, made it in time), found our seats and watched one of the greatest concerts ever. A band called The Poor opened up for them (their drummer was Angus and Malcolm’s nephew) and they rocked hard. So hard, in fact, after the concert I went to a record store and had to special order their album, Who Cares, because it wasn’t available in the states. I still have it as well, and it rocks.

I do, The Poor, I do.

I do, The Poor, I do.

Then AC/DC came out and I wasn’t prepared for just how loud it was going to be. They blew up the place and after 2 hours we went home happy. Our ears were ringing, but it was worth it. At 16 I could die a happy guy.

A few years went on and there was no news about AC/DC. Nothing was happening. No albums were coming out. And then finally, in 2000, Stiff Upper Lip.

I had to work the day it came out, so I woke up early and went to the mall. I bought it and listened to it all day. I was delivering pizzas at the time, so I had a good time driving around that day jamming out. And then I heard they were coming around for another tour.

I gathered up two of my buddies and we all got tickets. Just like the previous experience, I went to the same Ticketmaster the day the tickets went on sale and I got there an hour early. I was the first one there. Just before Ticketmaster opened, a few other people showed up to get tickets and because of that, the manager came out and said they were going to have us draw numbers to see in what order we got our tickets.

WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?! I WAS THERE FIRST!!!

Apparently the cosmos understood and it was meant to be, because I drew number one and got my tickets first. Once again I paid $45 per ticket… five years later. Awesome.

We went to the show and it was my one buddies first concert ever. He was a fan of loud music but I kept telling him he had never experienced music that loud. We were looking for our seats when the ticket usher guys kept telling us to go down closer and closer to the stage. The way the tickets had been printed we couldn’t tell exactly where we were located, so I literally had no idea just where we were sitting until we were shown to our seats… in the seventh row from stage.

Meant to be? Meant to be.

The coolest part of that show was a long walkway that stuck out from the middle of the stage and went through the crowd. Our seats were right up against that and there were only three seats, so we had our own row together right next to a ramp that Brian Johnson and Angus Young used repeatedly throughout the show. They were walking and rocking within 10 feet of us for 2 hours. At one point my buddy Danny got to shake Brian’s hand. I was so envious.

The opening band was Slash’s Snakepit. They were pretty good, and loud, and at one point Slash threw out his pick to the crowd. The lady in front of me didn’t notice or even attempt to catch it, and it landed on the floor under her chair. I still have it.

Back to AC/DC… when they started playing I looked at my buddy who had never been to a concert before, the one who liked loud music, and with a big smile on his face he mouthed “That’s LOUD!” Obviously I had to read his lips cause I couldn’t hear him. When the show was over, once again my ears were ringing. Once again my neck was stiff from head banging. Once again my voice was gone from screaming. What a great time.

As years went on I kept up on AC/DC through the internet. I haven’t seen them live since, but that’s okay. Two times is good for me. Besides, chances are I wouldn’t get seventh row, and I can’t break that streak.

I named my dog Angus after Angus Young. The love, it is real.

I’ve fallen in love with bands and musicians since. John Fogerty and Creedence Clearwater Revival are the next big one, and honestly they’re right up there with AC/DC. Bobby Bare Jr., for me, is awesome. I’m even a big fan of Motley Crue. But nobody will ever be AC/DC.

A band who has rocked out for so long, who is so legendary that the king of horror novels, Stephen King, not only writes about them in his books but had a movie made where the entire soundtrack was nothing but AC/DC, has done what few bands have done. They’ve survived. My dad once told me he respects any band that can last for twenty years. AC/DC has lasted twice that.

That’s why it’s with great sadness that I read, as I’m sure everybody else has, that AC/DC is retiring. I knew it wasn’t going to last forever. Hell, they’re getting to be old men. And honestly I thought they were already calling it quits. When their most recent tour was ending, Brian Johnson said he was going to retire from singing, and Malcolm Young said only if they let him.

I was a little upset by that, but I understood, and I was happy for them. I honestly didn’t think it would last, but even if it did, cool. They’ve earned it.

And then recently I read that Brian Johnson, in an interview, said how the boys (the Young brothers) were writing new songs for a new album and how they were going to do something big for their 40th anniversary. Talk about stoked! That’s amazing! I couldn’t wait for more music…

… and then I read today on Facebook’s trending section how rumors were saying AC/DC were going to retire because of Malcolm’s failing health. WHAT?!

One of the reports making heavy rounds on the net now over this is this one, where it says…

When AC/DC reunited at the start of April to begin a month of rehearsals, in the lead-up to new album recording sessions, Malcolm discovered he couldn’t play. At least, he couldn’t play like he used to play.

Nothing has been officially confirmed, as of this writing, but friends and family members have been discussing what happened to Malcolm for the past couple of weeks. The blood clot, resulting from the stroke, is believed to be why Malcolm couldn’t keep working.

Although friends have described Malcolm’s condition as serious, it doesn’t mean he won’t recover. People do get better after strokes, and people do recover lost skills.

But friends and family of band members believe the decision was made last week to call it quits.

Media in Australia have gone ballistic today on rumours of The End Of AC/DC, and it appears the news got out ahead of a planned official announcement from the band and management.

Right now, that announcement is expected Wednesday, April 16, and a press conference has been scheduled.

Please check out the link, if you’re interested in more, as the rest of the article is an excellent read.

When I read it I had a tear or two in my eyes. Again, I didn’t care if they were retiring. They’ve been around 40 awesome years, they’ve dominated the world (and me) and they’ve become legendary. Nobody will ever do what they’ve done, ever. Love them or hate them, they have influenced music time and time again, and probably multiple other bands you listen to. They’ve earned retirement.

But not like this. I feel horrible for Malcolm, and his family. I hope him the very best, and a speedy recovery. I don’t care for another album, or another tour. His music has made my life what it is. It has rocked me out, cheered me up, calmed me down, pumped me up, and made my ears ring on two separate occasions. He put out great music that has had my head bobbing and my toe tapping for most of my life. He should be able to get a normal retirement. Not a stroke.

Good luck Malcolm Young, you are a true rock hero and legend, and I hope you the very best. Don’t focus on a new album or a tour or getting back to playing, which you quite obviously love to do. Just focus on you and do what you have to do to be well. Thanks for the tunes.

As for the rest of you, I share this. I decided to put this as my profile pic on Facebook. If you’re interested in doing the same, to show your love and support for a speedy recovery for Malcolm, you can right click on it and save it.

acdc-lightning-bolt

Taco Bell Breakfast

If you haven’t noticed, in their attempts to keep up with the Johnson’s, Taco Bell recently (and finally) decided they were going to serve breakfast. Because I don’t give a shit what I ingest, I decided to give it a try. After all, Burger King’s breakfast lately has sucked shit and McDonald’s breakfast will never be the same until they bring back the McSkillet burrito. Nobody has really put forth a decent fast food effort into taking breakfast business away from McDonald’s and I’m shocked at this.

Taco Bell’s new line of breakfast food includes coffee. Regular black coffee. Nothing fancy, just coffee. They also have orange juice, or if you prefer, all of the other drinks they normally sell.

As far as the food goes, they have a waffle taco, grilled taco, sausage flat bread, breakfast burrito and a breakfast crunchwrap. To top it off, you can also get a hash brown or their Cinnabon Delights, which are basically little balls of dough with crack inside them.

I first tried their AM Crunchwrap with sausage. It’s made just like their regular crunchwrap, only with breakfast food inside it, egg, cheese, your choice of meat, hash brown (which is what makes it crunchy) and a creamy jalapeno sauce of some kind that helps give it that Taco Bell flavor. Honestly, it’s delicious and I think I’m hooked.

Today I tried their breakfast burrito with sausage. It’s tasty, but it’s lacking something. Now, here is where they basically dropped the ball. For starters, they use a completely different sausage than the patty they use on everything else. It’s a crumbled sausage. While it tastes good, what would be wrong with using the patty stuff? Cut one in half and place both halves inside the burrito length-wise, and you have sausage in every bite. As it is, you get the crumbled sausage (or steak or bacon), a bunch of egg and some cheese inside a burrito. That’s it. No sauce, the stuff from the crunchwrap would do just fine. No salsa, no nothing. Taco Bell is supposed to be Mexican food, which happens to come with salsa on just about everything. Where’s that at, Taco Bell? I’m looking for a great alternative to the McSkillet and once again I haven’t found it. While it’s tasty, it’s not complete, and it’s relatively small.

I haven’t had the Waffle Taco, my wife did, and she said it was tasty but not worth the $2 we spent on it. To be fair, it also didn’t look like the picture they have on the website or on the menu. There were barely any eggs on it. Of course we did stop at one of the worst Taco Bell locations in the country for this particular breakfast, but even still, the crunchwrap I had was still awesome.

I really hope this catches on with people, because the product is good and inexpensive. I’ve already heard complaints that the breakfast food gave someone the shits. Well, it IS Taco Bell. Don’t they do that normally? It hasn’t done that to me, yet, and again, I’m completely hooked on the AM Crunchwrap. And the Cinnabon Delights, those things are like meth infused hookers with crack inside.

If Taco Bell’s breakfast can stay around, I’ll eat it. With my schedule, breakfast time is my dinner time, and I don’t mind eating breakfast for dinner. But I’m also typically on my way home and don’t want to go sit somewhere. Unfortunately, I’m a fast food person, and as I said, there aren’t many good options for fast food breakfast anymore. Taco Bell has a good chance at winning, at least for me, but they need to come up with some other things and improve the stuff they already have. Except the AM Crunchwrap, they hit that one out of the park.

More Great Customer Service

Maybe I’ve hit the customer service karma wall and I’m now getting shit on in the customer service department because I bitch so much about horrible customer service. Can I say “customer service” ONE MORE TIME?

This story comes to us all the way from Snopes. For those of you who don’t know, Snopes is a website dedicated to giving us the truth on an internet so full of lies and bullshit. If you got an email saying someone wants to send you all of their Persian money directly to your bank account, chances are good you can look that shit up on Snopes to find out if it’s legit or not. I can tell you right now that it is not.

If you see a story online about how someone got diabetes from eating a porcupine roasted in garlic marshmallows, look it up on Snopes and see if it’s real or not. It’s a great resource, especially for debunking people on Facebook who love to post stuff that looks terrible, but isn’t true, simply because they’re gullible and didn’t think to look it up themselves. They just bought into it. I’m sure you got a few friends like that, I know I do.

Even though Snopes is awesome for looking up stuff and finding out if it’s true or not, just so you can rub it in the faces of the gullible on Facebook, some places like Cracked.com, in some instances, won’t allow you to use Snopes as a credible source for info when writing a piece for them. Yeah, I don’t get it either. If you can’t trust Snopes online, just who the hell CAN you trust?

Well, with all of that out of the way, I decided to look up an old internet favorite of mine, Tourette’s Guy. If you’ve never seen Tourette’s Guy, oh man. The shit cracks me up to no end.

There’s constant debate going on as to whether it’s all an act or if he’s really fucked up. I think he’s really fucked up, but not in the ways they claim he is. But still though, hysterical.

I did a search for Tourette’s Guy and found a page on the Snopes forum talking about whether it was legit or an act. I read through the posts and discovered it hadn’t been updated in quite a few years, so I thought I’d create an account there and add the new info to that particular post.

That’s it. That’s all I wanted to share with Snopes. I even debated with myself about creating an account for just that alone. My bad judgment got the better of me and I signed up. For one post to their forum. That’s it. That was on February 28th.

I got an email saying I had to click a link to validate my account so that I could be a member of their online community. I expected, and did it. Suddenly I was signed in to their forum and… I can’t post. No, because I have to wait until someone from the staff checks out my account to see if I’m real or some spam bot or whatever, and then sends me another email telling me my account is completely signed up and I can post stuff.

Since I really didn’t want to join the site that bad to begin with, and I only wanted to join to make ONE FUCKING POST, I decided that this was already more than I needed and instantly regretted my decision to join. I had to take more steps to join the forum than the posts I planned on posting on the forum.

I waited, and waited, and fucking waited. I waited until March 3rd when I sent them this email, saying basically what I just said, sans cussing.

Hi, I attempted to join the forum and I’ve been waiting on activation from Snopes in order to be able to post. I didn’t realize the process was going to take so long. I’m actually not someone who would post a lot in the forum, I only had one bit of info I wanted to share and that would have probably been it for me there. So since it’s taking so long to activate my account for basically nothing, don’t bother activating my account. Thanks anyway, and keep up the great work. I do love your site.

I mean really, I wasn’t mad. I’m still not mad. It’s just the principle, ya know? I already said how just the steps involved already wasn’t worth that one post I wanted to make. Those steps all happened on February 28th. I was done at that point. Completely disinterested.

But I get it, it’s my fault. I didn’t listen to myself, that good angel on my right shoulder telling me it wasn’t worth signing up, so don’t fucking do it. But I did it. So now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions.

To add a mark to the events, they didn’t respond to me until 10:32 PM, March 5th, when they told me my account was now activated and I can now post in their forum. It was all happy about it too.

Account approved at snopes.com!

Their auto-reply is more happy about it than I am. Seriously, why have a contact us link and email address if nobody is going to read the emails sent to them? Now I have an account. So what am I going to do? I’m going to go and post that info and delete my account, which no doubt will be harder to do than just clicking a link. This is why I try not to sign up for shit.

I took a minute to go make that post. After I typed it all out I got a message that a moderator has to approve my post before it will show up. Holy shit. Now I know deleting my account is going to take for-fucking-ever.

Even later still, I went back to check to see if my only post had been posted and it had, and I had a response. So I decided to respond to that response. I figured that since I already had a moderator approve my first post that I should be good to go. NO! It turns out a moderator has to approve EVERY FUCKING POST YOU MAKE. So yeah, I’m done with Snopes. Hell, I was done with them just after signing up.

Delivery Tales: Frontin’

I delivered the other night to a hotel room and when I knocked on the door I heard a commotion inside, and then a man speaking to someone else, apparently just after looking at me through the peep hole.

“That’s the pizza guy! Damn, that was quick!”

Then I heard some more commotion and I’m pretty sure I heard him say “hold on” to whomever he was talking to before the door opened. What I saw was a classic example of “frontin’,” or for those of you not hip to the street lingo from the mid 80s to now, “being fake.”

I held my laugh in and tried to play it cool the best I could. I think I pulled it off, I didn’t act as if I knew he was frontin’ completely, so I hope that helped his ego out a bit. I don’t know if he was seriously trying to do what he did or if it was just a joke to him, but either way it was hilarious.

Here’s what happened. When the door opened I saw a black man standing there in kind of a “hard thug” stance. I’ll let LL Cool J display sort of what it was I was seeing. LL…

"You're paying me in pizza for this, right?"

“You’re paying me in pizza for this, right?”

Thanks buddy. So I see him standing there, for the most part just like that, and he says to me all chill n shit, “What up?”

This is where I wanted to laugh but didn’t. Because I had just heard him on the other side of the door having a normal conversation with someone else and having excitement in his voice. So I responded as delightfully as I could, “Nothing man, how’s it going?”

He slowly nodded and just before he responded he added in an extra loud smack with his mouth. “*smack* Nuttin’.”

Just then I saw his girlfriend poke her head around the corner and she was this really cute white girl who didn’t look thuggish at all. She smiled and turned to head back into the room from the bathroom with what looked like folded clothes and she began dealing with them on one of the beds. In my mind I literally thought if he were acting like a regular person and not frontin’, I bet they were a really cute couple. As it was, he was making an ass of himself and the way she carried herself through the room showed me that she was letting him have his fun, but she was probably the one who controlled the relationship. Cracked me up.

So I got the pizza out of the bag and told him how much it was. The entire time he’s standing there in that stance. When I mentioned the price, he nodded, faster this time, made that same lip smack and followed it with “Word” and began flipping through his bank roll, which happened to just be a few bills. He handed me a twenty which covered the order and began flipping through the rest of his bills. All singles.

This is why I thought it was all a joke, but I went along with it with a huge smile on my face. If he was going to play it up, I was too.

He half turns and leans back on the door frame. “Hey baby, should I tip him?” This, like everything else he’s said, has been with a hint of thug in his voice, a little street making its appearance, which again, was not what I heard before he opened the door. Without looking around and still dealing with the laundry she says, “Uh, yeah!”

He nods again and once again smacks his lips and says “Word.” While counting his massive bank roll of a few singles he says, “How much?” She didn’t look up this time either and says, “However much you want, I don’t care.”

Lip smack. “Word.”

He flips through the bills again and hands me over two dollars. With that huge smile I took the money and thanked him. He flipped his hand over and had another dollar bill gripped firmly in it. “Here, take this too.”

Again I thanked him with a huge smile on my face and took the dollar. I backed away from the door bowing to him like an old Chinese man might bow away from someone. I told him to have a good night and he responded with that lip smack and “Word.”

I didn’t hear it, but I’m sure as soon as the door was closed he giggled and screamed “PIZZA!!!” like a school girl.

Delivery Tales: The Good

It’s not all bad. On the contrary, most of it is good most of the time. We’re giving away 5000 large pizzas this week. In addition to that, my boss decided to hand out some free pizzas to unsuspecting customers, specifically to those who work the late shift at local hotels and gas stations. We have a bunch of hotels who send a lot of business to us, so we returned the favor, in a way. If a driver had a delivery to a certain area where hotels or gas stations might be that were open, we’d get a few extra pizzas to take with us and we’d just give them to the employees, or whoever we saw hanging out, including customers of their businesses. Naturally menus went with the pizzas, because it’s ALL advertising.

Tonight I was having fun running those free pizzas to people and seeing their reactions, and I’m going to save the best for last. But first…

I had a delivery to a hotel we get a ton of business from, so my boss made me up four pizzas to take with me and hand out. On my way to that hotel I thought hard about what other places I could go to and realized everything around that hotel, sans that hotel, closes at like 9 PM, even on a Saturday. There’s literally nothing open. All the way to that hotel I racked my brain trying to think of where I could take those free pizzas.

I got to the hotel and as soon as I walked in I saw a huge group of people partying in the lobby, and most were very well dressed. It was quite obviously a wedding after-party. I delivered my order on the second floor and when I got back on the elevator to leave there was a younger couple already on it. The guy saw my garb and mentioned how much he loved our pizza. So I asked if he wanted one. He said he was hungry and the girl with him said she would kill for a pizza. So I said I’d give them one. He asked her how much money she had and I said the pizza was completely free. She asked me several times if it was some sort of joke and I insured her it was not. I explained what was going on and how it was a customer appreciation kind of thing and how I had four pizzas and had no idea what to do with them since everything was closed. She said they were part of the wedding party…

I went outside, got the pizzas and took them back in. Everyone rejoiced. When I pulled out four large pizzas and said they were all free, they rejoiced. Then a woman handed me $20. I told her I couldn’t accept that, until the chick from the elevator yelled at me to take it, so I did. Before I left I made sure to leave a stack of menus there.

Two deliveries later I was back at the hotel with an order for another lady in the party who was hungry watching everyone else eat pizza. When I walked in I saw everyone drinking wine and stuffing their faces with the pizza I had originally left there. That was cool. I then told the front desk folks who are always nice to me that I’d bring them a pizza later. Later when I showed up with one for them, they gave me $5. There was also two guys left over from the party holding beers and about to head up to their rooms. I gave them a pizza too. They were stoked.

I had given pizzas to gas station folks and their customers and everyone was happy. Most questioned me several times, some even asking if there was some sort of catch. But the best incident happened at my first stop with free pizzas tonight.

I pulled up to a Shell gas station where I stop every now and then for gas late night. At night they lock their doors and you have to use a little window to make transactions with. There’s this older man who works the late shift and he always looks tired. When I pulled up I noticed two guys standing inside, so I knew I had made it just before the doors were locked. Passing a large pizza through the little slot in the wall would have been hard.

I walked in and saw the two guys were buying beer and dressed as if they were about to go to a party of some kind. They were also much bigger than me and clearly country boys. They were standing at the counter talking to the man I was there to see when a woman came in and began yelling at the guy behind the counter. I wasn’t quite sure what it was she said, but she was pissed about the pump she was at not working, or something. The man behind the counter told her something and she huffed out of the store. The attendant then said to the two big country boys how that was the third time she had been in the store yelling at him and how he’s explained to her each time how to do what it is she wanted to do.

During a break in the conversation I asked the two country boys if they wanted a free pizza and they said they did, so I hooked them up. The one started to hand me $5 and I said I didn’t want it and he told me, very seriously, to take it. Since I didn’t want them to stomp me, I took it. They left the store happy with beer and a free pizza. Hopefully they went to their party and told everybody about what happened.

I then turned to the attendant. He looked older than he probably is, wore out and worked hard for what is probably very little at a gas station. He shook his head and looked flustered. He was still upset about that woman. I asked him if he was hungry and gave him a pizza for free. At first he looked amazed, then he said to me, “It goes to show on those days that are just terrible, that something can happen like this to turn it completely around. Thank you.” And he was genuine about it, and it made my night complete. Even now as I’m typing this I’m tearing up. Seriously. With the night I had last night and the overall week I’ve had, to be able to make someones night like that really made mine. I know how he was feeling, I’ve been feeling it a lot lately. While someone didn’t give me a free pizza to make my week better, it turned out that giving someone else a free pizza and making their night better is what I needed to make mine better.

Typically, I deal with a lot of great people, every night of the week. For some reason this week was just bad for me. It happens, but that doesn’t mean I like it or accept it. I’m glad I had the night I had tonight, because I needed it as much as that gas station guy did.

Delivery Tales: Bring Out The Dicks

This week my store is doing a pizza giveaway to bring in more customers and to get our name out to the masses. This is good on many levels, because we’ll get more business from it, we already have, and we’ll make more money from said business. Plus, 5000 customers are getting a free large pizza with whatever they want on it. The other day a guy used his free pizza coupon to get a large with every topping we had on it. That’s 24 toppings. The pizza weighed just under what I weigh, and it was a few inches thick. I’m sure one slice was a meal. Had he not used the coupon it would have cost $42, and we’re a relatively inexpensive company.

Naturally there are some side effects to this. While we gather a bunch of awesome new customers, we also deal with a lot of new assholes. This week I’ve had my share already, and it’s not a good week for me to begin with, so my buttons are being pushed. Last Friday I had to drop $1500 of money I don’t have to fix my car only to find out my brakes needed replaced, which I had done today for $800. That’s even more money I don’t have, and I still have about $1000 worth of work that needs to get done. So this week has sucked completely, yet I’m trying to keep my head up. The fact that I’m a team player and excellent at customer service is starting to not be enough to keep my asshole side from coming out and either telling these dick stains off or beating the fuck out of them. If ever there needed to be a real Miraculous Man, now would be the time.

With these free pizzas, customers can either pick up the pizza or have it delivered. Those who choose to have it delivered have to pay a delivery fee of $2. I was on the phone with one guy earlier this week and after he placed his order, for just the free large, I told him his total would be just $2 for delivery. He waited a brief moment and then said with a huff, “Fine.” Never mind that it says on the coupon that a delivery fee may apply. He obviously didn’t read that.

As luck would have it I had to take that delivery. I handed him the pizza and he handed me a five dollar bill… and wanted his three dollars back. I guess $2 is too much for a large pizza with whatever he wanted on it delivered hot and fresh directly to him.

I had one guy pay his $2 fee in a handful of change. Another driver had a customer pay in pennies, unrolled. Obviously a tip was not included.

Continue reading

Delivery Tales: Miraculous Man

Nothing interesting has been happening lately on deliveries, other than people being complete idiots. We often get calls like this:

US: Would you like a pick-up order, or delivery?
THEM: Delivery.
US: Ok, what is your phone number?
THEM: I live in Mason.
US: Ok, what is your phone number?
THEM: It’s back in the Deer Hills subdivision off of Tylersville Road.
US: Ok, what is your phone number?
THEM: The address is…

Sadly, that happens a lot. What doesn’t happen nearly enough is Miraculous Man coming to take care of the jackasses we deal with on a daily basis. Fortunately for you, you don’t have to wait for Miraculous Man. You can head over to the Stuph Blog and check out his many zany adventures where he stands up for his customer service brethren by dealing with the asshole customers in a way all customer service reps wish they could.

I’ve been a fan of Miraculous Man since his inception, and recently Twindaddy was inspired by one of my Delivery Tales, the one about the farm fresh eggs, and decided it was time for Miraculous Man to make an appearance for the first time in over a year! I’m glad I inspired something awesome, but I’m actually more excited that there’s another Miraculous Man story!

Without further ado, head over to the Stuph Blog now to check out the newest edition of Miraculous Man, where he deals with the Drunken Farm Boys!