How about who gives a shit? Recently, for those of you who really don’t give a fuck and have no idea what happened, Renee Zellweger appeared somewhere looking quite different than how she’s looked up to that point. And the internet completely lost their shit. As if nothing else was going on. As if no celebrity ever had unnecessary plastic surgery. It was as if a whole lot of people had a bet as to what celebrity would never get work done, and Renee was the ringer.
Here she is, beautiful (L) and beautiful (R).
The website/news organization that means absolutely nothing, TMZ, has really enjoyed themselves over this news. Check out these two stories that I unfortunately had to go to their site and sift through tons of bullshit to find…
Renee Zellweger You Look… LIKE SOMEONE ELSE
Hey TMZ, isn’t that the fucking point of plastic surgery for celebrities? They don’t like looking like themselves, so they go under the knife to look like some other them, or someone else. They make millions of dollars by being someone else in their movies and TV shows, they might as well spend that money to become someone else in real life. Although I don’t think there is such a thing in Hollywood as “real life.”
No, this isn’t a joke. I mean, it IS a joke, I’m fucking laughing. But there will seriously be a Tetris movie in the near future. A live action one at that. And by “live action” I mean “99% CGI.”
“Brands are the new stars of Hollywood,” Threshold Entertainment’s Larry Kasanoff says. “We have a story behind ‘Tetris’ which makes it a much more imaginative thing.”
First, brands are the new stars of Hollywood? Sure, if you consider all of the cheap, shameless advertising products get in every film nowadays. Reboots are the new stars, you asshat. In other words, movies from 30 years ago are the new stars.
Second, there better be a story behind the movie, because the game you’re adapting the movie from HAS NO FUCKING STORY. None. There’s no story in place at all. You drop blocks and make solid lines. That’s it. If I ever thought Hollywood had run out of ideas, I was completely wrong, because NOW they’ve fucking run out of ideas.
I’m a writer and I can’t possibly fathom any story that would make sense with Tetris involved unless it was The Wizard 2, or Tetris isn’t the main character or story. There’s no way this is going to be good. I can imagine a movie about something having nothing to do with Tetris or video games in general, and one person walks by an open door and someone is in that room playing the game.
You might be saying, “WHO?” Indeed. Unless you’re a lesbian or very much into feminism, you probably have no fucking clue who this chick is. She runs a blog with Carlin Ross, and apparently the entire site is about women’s orgasms. The tagline to the site is, “Better Orgasms. Better World.” I’m sure that world would be better without men in it, right bitch? The only thing that throws me off is, they have men who write for that site. I can only imagine what they have to say.
I only know about this site because of an article a friend of mine posted on Facebook. I decided to check it out. After all, it’s about women’s orgasms, so naturally I’m interested to see if it can show me anything I don’t know. For the record, it didn’t. The only thing the article told me was, I’m a worthless piece of shit for being a man, especially one without a porn star dick.
The basis for the article is to say it takes a woman 20 to 30 minutes to “warm up” before she’s fully ready to engage in sexual activity. In other words, foreplay. It also talks about how the clit is it, and no matter how you decide to do your sex or have an orgasm, the clit is it. From it, to the G-spot, to vaginal, it’s all clit related. There’s even this, “Once a woman understands she can have both clitoral stimulation with vaginal penetration, it ends this discussion.” What woman out there doesn’t know they can have both? It’s been a long time since I’ve watched a porn where the clit wasn’t being manipulated during sex, whether by the man or the woman, or the other woman, or the other man, and I can’t tell you the last partner I had where the clit wasn’t played with during sex. So I guess the conversation is over, eh?
No. There is a bunch more, half and half, talking about how to have awesome orgasms, and how much men suck. And it all starts with, “There is no distinction between “vaginal” or “clitoral” or “G spot” orgasms since all orgasms are centered in the clitoris.” Is that right? So all those women out there who PREFER a certain orgasm over another are wrong? They should just take what they get and fucking like it? I know women who seem to have no G-spot. Who can’t get off on it at all. I know others who prefer to have orgasms with the G-spot. Doesn’t matter. There’s no distinction at all.
I’m not an NFL analyst. I love football, but I have no reason to follow every team, and every player, and know the ins and outs of the game every year. I’m a regular fan. I can watch any game and enjoy the sport, and that’s about it.
I do follow the Bengals moderately, because they’re my city’s team. I also follow the Dolphins because I’ve been a fan of them since I was a kid. Still, I couldn’t tell you two players names on the Dolphins team, and I could probably only tell you a few more names than that on the Bengals team.
What I’ve noticed this year so far, for the Bengals, is that early on they were 3-0, and people were saying how they hadn’t played anybody good. They were also the last undefeated team in the NFL. Since then they had their by-week, then they lost, tied, and now they’re losing to the Colts, a very good team.
From a regular, general perspective, they’re not a good team. If there was anybody still on the fence as to whether or not they were any good, I think the answer is here. They are not.
Andy Dalton is a mediocre quarterback at best. Proof of that is when A.J. Green is taken away from him. He should be able to hit any target, no matter who or what that target is, and he cannot. He was impressive his first year, because it was his FIRST YEAR. Since then he hasn’t done anything to be impressive. Currently, if he were the QB he was supposed to be, he would be dominating the league. But he is not. When I heard the Bengals signed him to a huge contract, I was legitimately shocked.
I was just thinking, which usually isn’t good, about how the different races of the United States can live long and happy lives. Sure this might seem full of stereotypes, and maybe even wrong in places, but I’m totally serious about this.
Native Americans – Keep Building Casinos
Well done, Indians. You have beat the system, so to speak. You were given a shitty hand by a shitty government and you decided to turn the other cheek into millions, maybe billions, of dollars. I love it. Sure, nothing would be greater than not having your ancestors rounded up and slaughtered, or having been told you’re only allowed to live on land that nothing and nobody wants to live on, but you’ve looked beyond that. You’ve taken a horrible negative and made it a positive. You’ve stuck it to the man and I truly applaud you for it. That doesn’t mean you have forgotten your ancestors, or that you have sold out. It means you’ve found a loop hole and you’re doing what you can to live life to the fullest. Keep it up.
Mexicans – Keep Coming Here For Work
The fact of the matter is, we want you here. We really do. Some people bitch and complain about you being here, but some people bitch and complain when their WiFi goes out during a storm. We’re so spoiled in the U.S. that we don’t even want to take shitty jobs because it might mean getting our hands dirty. If you weren’t here, who would do all that lawn work? Who would cook in the kitchens? No, we’d rather sit around and bitch that there are no jobs, meaning there ARE jobs, we’re just not going to fucking do them because we all expect to be doctors and lawyers. We all expect to get paid to do nothing, like we should all be in politics. That’s how we act, right? We all sit on our couches and our La-Z-Boys and we bitch about what’s going on in our country and how things would be better if we made certain changes, as if we were running the country. We all bitch about the President and how horrible of a job he’s doing. Yet none of us step up and actually do anything to change anything. We have all the answers. We know all the solutions. It sounds like we’re all politicians in training. Almost none of us are grateful for what we have, and almost none of us like it when others beat the system that we have no control over. If you weren’t here, my dear Mexican friends, there would be a lot of shit not getting done. And we need things to get done in order to keep things moving forward, even if we’re only moving forward at a slow, ridiculous rate. Keep doing what you’re doing, and one day you might be thanked for what you’ve contributed to us. Let me start. Thank you.