Delivery Tales: And This One Belongs To…

While delivering tonight I was given a double. For those of you who can’t figure it out, I had two deliveries going out together in one run. The first was going to this shitty no-tell motel we deliver to all the time. Despite it being the bottom of the barrel as far as my delivery area is concerned, we actually get pretty decent tips over there. That’s because the clientele there are typically either drug dealers, drug users, or prostitutes, who quite possibly could fit into either of the first two categories as well. Basically, they all have money and they’re not spending a lot on their room, so they tip well.

I got to the guys door, lately he’s been ordering almost every night and he’s a good enough customer, but for some reason tonight he didn’t answer his door. I knocked twice and waited. Then I heard his air conditioner kick off, and I looked in through his window and could just barely see his TV on. Since the air kicked off I tried knocking again, cause maybe he could hear me this time. Nope.

So he either passed out, which happens a lot late night, or he was taking a shit. So I got my phone out and called. His voice mail picked up. I began leaving a message and was about to tell him I was going to take my next delivery and come back, but I noticed it was a credit card order.

Now, some pizza companies have a policy that no matter what, if they don’t answer their door and you don’t actually hand them their order, you have to bring it back to the store. The company I work for isn’t that way, so I did what I always do in this situation.

I left his order at his door with his copy of the credit card slip and I left. I told him that in the voice mail.
Continue reading

It’s All Relative

I live in Cincinnati, Ohio. For those of you who have no idea, it sits in the southwest corner of Ohio, and is bordered by both Kentucky and Indiana. Those three states make up our Tri-State area. Here in Cincinnati we love to make fun of both states, mostly Kentucky, by saying such things as they’re all hillbillies with no teeth who are into incest and marry their cousins at 14 years old. I don’t know why that is, but of the three states I like Ohio the least. Both Kentucky and Indiana are pretty cool places.

Recently I found out from my mom that the term “kissing cousins” is an actual thing, and that she knows of people who have married their cousins in Ohio. She also said it’s legal for them to do so, but by law they’re not allowed to have kids.

I was shocked, but I didn’t really look into it. She’s not known for telling tall tales. I did confirm with my dad about one of the stories though, it was one of his best friends who married his cousin, many years ago.

I just saw in the news where a German committee is trying to get the country to abolish incest laws, saying incest is a fundamental right. Not necessarily sleeping with your relatives is a fundamental right, but being able to choose who you have sex with as a grown adult.

So I decided to finally look into what my mom was telling me about and I checked out the incest laws here in the United States. I went to Wikipedia, if that matters, but this is what I found.
Continue reading

It’s Not About You

Here’s something I’m completely fucking sick of. Every time something tragic happens and regular citizens step up to help, and the news interviews some of these people, there’s always one who says something self serving. That one person who has to somehow make it about them. And it’s almost always with the same phrase.

It has always been a problem for me, although I never knew it until this morning. Every time I would hear this certain phrase I would have a tick. A nervous twitch that would go off in my brain, and I didn’t know why. Well, now I know why.

This morning on the news they were talking about a missing college student. I just Googled “missing college student” to see if I could locate the story I’m talking about and Google blew up with JUST THIS STORY. Apparently she’s either the only missing college student right now or she’s the only one anybody gives a shit about.
Continue reading

Delivery Tales: Tips

I was asked recently if I had any more crazy stories to share, and sadly I have none. Nothing wacky has happened lately at all, and it’s really pissing me off. All of my customers have been regular, everyday people. Not rabbits or prostitutes. Not that rabbits and prostitutes aren’t regular everyday people.

I would like to talk about getting tipped though, and this is a lengthy post, so if you’re not into it, skip it. But I suggest you read it if you’re someone who has ever ordered food for delivery, whether you tip or not.

I’m lucky that I get to deliver in a very nice area. I used to not, and the differences are amazing. Sure, I still get stiffed from time to time, but typically a five dollar tip is almost guaranteed. When I used to deliver on the other side of town, I was lucky to get two bucks on each delivery.

I’m completely grateful for it, and appreciate the hell out of anybody who tips well. The area where I deliver now is mostly nice, upscale homes, but there are many apartments and lower class places I go to, and even those places aren’t too shabby with tips. Typically it’s the more expensive houses that don’t tip so well and that can be said about any neighborhood. There’s a subdivision I go to now made up of $800,000 to $2 million+ homes. I’ve only been back there four times or so, and I’ve never got more than a $4 tip, and I only got $4 once.

The thing is, that’s okay, and for the purpose of this article, it’s okay because they’re in our delivery area. They’re our customers. They’re not that far away.

The reason I bring this up is, occasionally we’ll be nice and take a delivery that is outside of our delivery area. I’m typically the go-to driver for those, because I like the drives and don’t mind taking those orders. Unfortunately most of the time they’re to places that aren’t upper class like our regular delivery area, and most of the time it blows up in my face.

There was one guy who was a few miles out of our area who ordered for a while and he always tipped $10 because he knew we were making a special trip for him and he took care of the drivers.

There was one order I took to downtown Cincinnati one night, which is very much out of our delivery area, but I was tipped $14 for that delivery. They were so drunk they thought they were giving me $8, which would have been fine too, but $14 was really nice.

Then there was a kid who lived in the area where I used to deliver. He tipped rather well too.
Continue reading

Interview: Matt Roberts

Since I had such a great time interviewing the amazing Kristen Stewart of Adventureland fame, which can be read here, I thought I’d give another interview, but this time to somebody who isn’t a statue.

With that said, here is author and historical education writer Matt Roberts! Welcome!

Matt Roberts: Thank you for having me!
Beefy: So, you’re a writer…
MR: That’s right.
BF: I’m writing this interview down right now. Does that qualify me?
MR: Absolutely.
BF: Great. So, you’ve got a book out called Hand One Is Dealt. Your thoughts?
MR: I do have a book out and that is the name of it.
BF: Awesome. When do you find the time to write?
MR: Whenever I’m not doing something else.
BF: Interesting. What’s your favorite pizza?
MR: Cooked.
BF: Indeed. How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
MR: Seven.
BF: Seven? Seven what?
MR: Twelve.
BF: You’re not making any sense.
MR: Blue.
BF: Have any projects lined up?
MR: I do. I was a part of the awesome 13 Stories Til Halloween last year, and they’ve just asked me to be a part of it again this year, so that’s what I’m going to be working on in the coming days. After that I’m going to do my damnedest to get my next book finished, which I wrote back in 2012.
BF: I’m sorry, what?
MR: I do. I was a part of the awesome 13 Stories Til Halloween last year, and they’ve just asked me to be a part of it again this year, so that’s what I’m going to be working on in the coming days. After that I’m going to do my damnedest to get my next book finished, which I wrote back in 2012.
BF: What’s that about?
MR: Some genius pervert invents a device to clone horny women and then he sleeps with them, all while partying and smoking weed.
BF: That sounds fucking amazing.
MR: Yeah, it’s a children’s book.
BF: Can you dig it?
MR: Yes. Yes I can dig it.
BF: What is your biggest pet peeve?
MR: I don’t know. To think of something right now to give you an answer, I hate it when people call me you.
BF: I get that shit all the time. People calling me you. I’m not you, I’m Beefy.
MR: I mean, I get it. I’m a fat guy, so maybe that’s why they call me Beefy.
BF: That shit pisses me off. Why do we both have our own names if people are just going to call us whatever the fuck they want?
MR: Got me.
So your book that you just described, does it contain gratuitous sex?
MR: Tons. It’s very explicit. A buddy of mine who proofread it for me initially gave me some awesome feedback, and he said to him it’s like that 50 Shades Of Grey book, only for men. And with much better sex scenes.
BF: That shouldn’t be hard to do.
MR: It wasn’t. I just described all of the sex I’ve ever had. You know, like, in my dreams.
BF: Of course. So why sex? Are you into those erotic books?
MR: Not really, no. Although I have written a couple of those types of stories and tried to get them published as erotic fiction. I have no idea why.
BF: Me either.
MR: One day, maybe, I’ll finish them and get them published. We’ll see.
BF: Maybe.
MR: Maybe.
BF: Any final thoughts?
MR: Yes.
BF: Great! Thanks for stopping by and donating your precious time to this terrible interview!
MR: Thanks for having me!
BF: Whatever.

For more on Matt and his books, check out his website at That’s it for now!