First of all, for shits and giggles (no pun intended), I still say you’re not taking the crap anywhere, you’re leaving it somewhere. But for all intents and purposes, we’ll keep up with today’s slang of taking your junk and leaving it in someone else’s trunk.
I’m sure all men who take their craps think about a million different things. After all, this is their alone time. Even for a hermit who loves to see people like New Orleans loves to see a hurricane, taking a shit is still their alone time. It’s when all men sit down on their throne, and embark on many adventures inside their head.
Women, on the other hand, I know nothing about. I polled no women for this post. So who knows, maybe they think of these things as well.
For men, however, here is a list of five of the millions of things they think about while on the john, at any given time.
5. Writing a blog piece about shitting
I was sitting on the throne the other day and I came up with this idea. I mean, how many times has this topic been taken on? I’m sure not many.
I actually think about this one a lot because the idea is a good one, but I don’t want to fuck it up, you know? So I think a lot about it. Naturally this means I shit a lot. These are all true things.
Sometimes I go take a shit just so I can think about this one blog post. I know, I must not have a lot going on in my life if I schedule shits in my day just so I can write about this topic once. What can I say? I’m dedicated.
4. Writing a series of blog pieces
You can go to some blogs where this particular thing happens a lot. Like the Stuph Blog, for example. They have a whole series of posts there that come directly from the throne.
Check those out. You’ll get a whole lot of direct-from-the-source examples of exactly what men think about while taking a shit.
3. Sports
Let’s face it, the game is on, you’ve eaten a ton of game-day snacks, and after the final buzzer has sounded and everyone has gone home, those spicy nachos and BBQ mini-wieners are coming back with a vengeance. You head to the head and you begin delivering your children to the pool. The only thing on your mind? How much your ass is burning. What do you do? You compare it to the game you just watched.
Two different things can be said in this time, depending on how the game turned out.
Your team won: “Oh God my ass! At least my team won!”
Your team lost: “Oh God my ass! It sucks just as much as my team!”
Even if you don’t talk to yourself in the bathroom, you’re still going to be thinking about the game, and chances are good you’re going to be comparing it. Don’t judge me, I’m not the only one.
2. The Water Bill
If things have gone well, you’ll probably have to flush several times. Now, you may be thinking that things can also go horribly wrong and you’ll need a courtesy flush or two just to get through it, and I understand that. It just all depends on how you decipher the term “gone well”.
I don’t mind a courtesy flush in public restrooms because the owner of the restroom is covering the water bill. Hell, I don’t even mind them at home so much just for the cooling breeze caused by the swirling water beneath my ass, helping to soothe the inferno BM caused by the dozen hot wings I just shoveled into my gullet. Now I know where the prestige of owning a bidet comes from.
But that water usage at home can add up. So what do you do? One thing’s for sure, don’t stick a brick in your toilet’s reservoir. Experts have said that’s not good for the normal operations of your toilet. Basically, with less water you have less pressure, and less pressure means your shit isn’t being swept away like it should be, which could potentially lead to backups. And do you really want your shit backing up?
So don’t worry about that bill. It’s gotta get paid one way or the other. Go ahead and courtesy flush yourself to ecstasy. Nobody is going to stop you.
1. Their out of control dreams
Every man does this. They get their ten minutes to be alone with their thoughts, and they come up with some amazing shit. Again, no pun intended.
Also, you can take shorter or longer in the bathroom, I used ten minutes as an average. I typically take half hour shits, just to make sure everything comes out nicely. That and I really enjoy my alone time.
Besides, I have a ton of crazy dreams to go through. What if I had a different job? What if I had made different choices in my life? What am I going to do when I win the lottery? What kind of cars would I like in my collection? How many acres of land would I purchase? How big would I want my swimming pool? What if I built a space ship resembling the Heart Of Gold and could travel to the furthest regions of space and be the first person to discover alien life?
The thoughts, the questions, the dreams are endless. Every man does this. Hell, I’m sure even women do this one. But whatever the case, chances are good that your mind is going while you’re shitting. You have that time to yourself, so why not multi-task?
With all of this said, what do you think about most while shitting?
To sum up the movie, I’ll begin with one of the single worst opening monologues of all time, word for word.
