Monthly Archives: April 2012

New Views On Music

Over time everything that at one point was bad winds up turning good. I’m not sure why that is, but it’s obvious that’s how it goes.

Slavery was a huge thing in its day and very popular (amongst white people). Now, black folks are free, even though some will tell you otherwise because they still can’t let things go. I mean come on, our bad. Let’s go have a smoothie somewhere.

At one point coffee was medically good for you, and then it changed and it was bad for you, and then it changed again, and on and on.

But my point now, is sometimes in music, certain trends show up in what’s popular when they were previously frowned upon.

Take rap for example. When it first came out and started gaining momentum, a lot of people hated it, mostly because of its messages, even though it was the most honest music out there. And now, it’s everywhere. Hell, even a rap icon in this day and age, Nelly, merged with country star Tim McGraw to help bridge a gap that apparently needed bridging. Now there are a few rap/country mash-ups that never needed to happen. Thanks Nelly and Tim, assholes.

Now there’s a commercial featuring a family on vacation driving a Honda Pilot and to break the long boring drive, the kids in the car start singing “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne.

Not only is it a remarkably horrible commercial and will never make it to this awesome site, but it totally goes against everything there used to be about Ozzy.

I warn you, this is the long version of the commercial and it’s even more annoying than the one they show on TV.

The problem here is, Ozzy has done some things in his time to warrant every decent parent in the United States from allowing their children to listen to his music. Taken from this site, here are a couple of the things he’s done.

-Ozzy snorts a line of ants up his nose. Back in 1984, Osbourne and Motley Crue went on tour together. Being two of the biggest-partying groups in the world, the tour is widely regarded as one of the most debaucherous in rock history. One night while drunk at a bar, Osbourne took a straw from Nikki Sixx and snorted a line of ants like he was doing cocaine. According to “The Dirt,” a Crue biography of sorts, Osbourne also did some other rather crazy things that night.

-Ozzy gets kicked out of San Antonio. During a drunken night in 1982, Osbourne donned one of his wife’s dresses because she had hidden his clothes. Anyway, Osbourne urinated on a sign at the Alamo. After being arrested, Osbourne was banned from the city of San Antonio for a decade.

-Ozzy bites the head off of a bat. It was Jan. 20, 1982, and Osbourne had taken the stage in Des Moines. A teenage fan came to the show with a bat (he clamed it was dead) and threw it onto the stage. Osbourne, thinking the bat was rubber, did the heavy metal-est thing he could: He bit the bat’s head off. Though the teen said the bat was dead, Osbourne claimed it was alive and had to receive rabies shots after the concert.

Not to mention those things, he was also labeled a satanist and reports came in from all over that if you play some of his songs backwards you’d hear a message from Satan himself. Other stories said that in certain songs you can hear him secretly telling you to kill yourself or others. Basically, nobody liked him other than his fans, which were looked upon as cult followers and once again Satan worshipers.

Parents frowned on this man and had a time trying to keep their kids from going down the wrong road and falling in love with Beelzebub.

But now? Not now. In this commercial, Honda is telling the world that it’s okay to listen to Ozzy. He’s stood the test of time and he deserves our respect.

I find that to be a load of horse shit. Either he’s a satanic piece of trash who shouldn’t be listened to by anyone, or he’s okay to listen to. You can’t have it both ways assholes.

Thanks to his hit show The Osbournes, it’s now officially acceptable to like him by anyone. Why is that? Because apparently even Satan’s wrath is overshadowed by the curse of the reality show. And if a reality show can be made about something, apparently it’s then okay to like it, no matter what it used to be. Just take a look at all of the faux celebrities who’ve been glamorized by some sort of reality show filth they were in.

Every time I see that commercial with those kids singing that song, it pisses me off and I just had to say something about it. I don’t like it, and fuck Honda for trying to change things. Why couldn’t they have used a song by John Mellencamp or Tom Petty? Instead they go for one of the most notorious bad guys the rock scene has ever seen, and all because apparently it’s now acceptable. I’m not sure the real reason why it’s okay for kids to like him now, because I never got the memo.

So I say fuck you Honda (again). You can keep your Pilot and all of your other shitty cars. And if I never hear another Ozzy song, that’ll be okay by me.

F**k The Rain Umbrella

I’ve always been a fan of the middle finger. It means a lot, for just a regular finger. Well, I guess it isn’t a regular finger, since it means so much. Amazingly, it only means “Fuck you” in American. If you travel the world, chances are good you’ll find that the middle finger doesn’t mean much outside of our country.

Yup

That logo has followed this blog for years. As I said, I’m a fan. That one finger tells just about everyone and everything just what I think of it. I even put it on a shirt.

Want one? You can own one for just $15.99 plus S/H, along with all of the other shirts I designed. I haven’t linked to the shop yet for no real good reason. So there it is, go look through my store and buy some stuff. I don’t even make a profit from sales. Yeah, I’m selling that stuff at the bare minimum price just to get it out there.

So I’m checking out my list of sites to check out and I come across Dude, I Want That and an umbrella that I can’t believe I haven’t bought yet.

Isn’t that awesome? It’s just like my shirt, only more water resistant. For all these years I’ve been trying to figure out a way to flip off the rain, and now I can. It’s only $45, which may sound like a lot, but have you ever priced a really good umbrella? $45 isn’t so bad.

I think I’ll get one, or maybe a few and then add them to my store. Maybe.

Those Who Control Speeding

I’m not going to say I know all the answers, although I’m pretty sure I have a few solutions to things that nobody else has thought of, or at least attempted. However, I do have one thing in mind that continues to bother me and I’d like to know from someone in the know whether I’m on to something or not.

What’s bothering me is, drivers, rather, the rules surrounding driving. Well, drivers bother me on a daily basis, even if I don’t drive a day. I just hate drivers.

However, there’s one rule in particular, or law, that confuses me. It’s the fact that we have to abide by speed limits no matter where we’re driving, but car manufacturer’s, who have to abide by the government’s safety regulations, continue to build everyday cars that can go upwards of double the legally set standards.

If you go somewhere, where there are no speed limit signs, you’re even supposed to know what the speed limit is. Can you remember back to when you were studying to first get your license? I barely do, but I do remember when we had to know what our State set for rural areas, country areas and city areas. By knowing that, it doesn’t matter if the speed limit is posted or not, we’re all supposed to already know.

However, even on our fastest highways around this country, we’re only legally allowed to drive at a certain speed that is well below what most regular cars are now capable of doing.

Every car manufacturer who wants to sell their cars in this country is also bound by this country’s rules. They have to be so safe and they have to run a certain way. If they don’t measure up to the standards set by the government, they aren’t allowed to be sold here.

So if the government wants us to drive a certain speed, and they have the standards written out that every car manufacturer has to go by, why are cars built with top speeds well over a hundred miles per hour?

Can anybody help me with this? I’d really like to know.

I’d also like to know why there’s a little gadget in my car called a governor that keeps my vehicle from driving at its max speed? I can still drive at 100 MPH even though my car can do over that. So if you’re going to put the effort into regulating how fast I can go to keep me more legal, why wouldn’t you stop my car from going over 70 instead? Or 60?

I just don’t understand any of it. I tried looking it up online by doing a search for the only thing I could think of, “stupid shit”, but it went Jedi on me and didn’t return the results I was looking for.

I can’t figure out why the government allows car manufacturer’s to build cars to drive double the legally set speed limit that they themselves mandate. This just goes onto the ever-increasing list of shit I’ll never understand.

Happy 4/20 Everyone!

Now this is a holiday to celebrate.

For those of you who don’t know, 4/20 or even 4:20 is the international pot smoker’s time. Since April 20th is 4/20, it’s turned into a worldwide holiday where tokers have a puff and enjoy what they all have in common.

From what I understand, sometime in the 1970s someone wrote in to High Times Magazine and told of how after classes he and his buddies would meet behind the gym to smoke one and it always happened that they did it at 4:20 PM. Since it was published in High Times, everyone reading suddenly made 4:20 the time to smoke and it’s been that way ever since.

It’s no secret that I like to indulge once in a while, and I am a strong supporter for the legalization/decriminalization of marijuana. Even if a doctor told me (which my past doctor told me he didn’t care that I smoked, but would rather see me stop smoking cigarettes instead) I had to stop or I would die (which I don’t think is possible) I would still be a supporter to have it legalized.

Why fill our prisons with non-problematic people when they don’t have room for murderers and rapists? Why not take Amsterdam’s stance on it? Why keep it illegal if people are still going to do it anyway?

And for the record, weed doesn’t kill.

Now, I could go on and on with my stance, but you’ve got the point. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it and I think we should drop the idea that it’s a drug. It’s a plant, folks. WE create drugs because we created drugs. Before there were drugs, there was marijuana. It’s natural.

In any case, potheads don’t care if you celebrate or not, but you’re welcome to celebrate with us. Just because you don’t smoke doesn’t mean you have to. Just have yourself an awesome day with some awesome friends and leave it at that. That’s all we ask. But don’t hate on us for enjoying ourselves the way we do. It’s our day, dammit!

To help celebrate, I made a play list of tracks to play while I’m celebrating, and I’ll share some of them here with you now if you’re interested in hearing some great tunes about the almighty grass. Here they are, in no particular order.

Once again folks, however you celebrate, just do it safely and have a good time. If you do anything at all for 4/20, let me know!

Movie Review: Bending The Rules

Bending The Rules is a newer movie by WWE Studios and it features former pro wrestler Edge in the lead role. He’s joined by funny man Jamie Kennedy. When I first saw the previews for this movie I was interested, mostly because I’m a fan of Edge, but also because it looked like it might be good.

The movie starts off fast, jumping right into the story. This causes two problems. One, you feel as if you have to catch up fast and it’s hard to do when you only have so much to go off of, and two, there’s almost no time devoted to character development.

While you do learn who the characters are throughout the movie, little time is given to them, if that makes any sense.

Aside from that, the acting done by Adam “Edge” Copeland is decent and fits this type of movie. He’s pretty funny and makes the role work, but does little else with it. Jamie Kennedy is also funny in the movie, but the role doesn’t seem to be for him. While he’s a talented enough comedic actor, this role wasn’t really his strong suit.

The movie has some action and some comedy in it, but overall it felt to be lacking a little of everything. Some things in the movie could have been left out while other more important things could have been brought in.

All in all, I wasn’t too upset that I sat through it, but I wouldn’t again.

I give this movie 5 of 10 stars.

“New” Wrestlers

As long as I’ve been watching wrestling I’ve seen many wrestlers who had been repackaged to be someone else. It’s always sad. I’m not going to go into past results, but more often than not they turn out bad. Not bad in an obvious way, but bad in a way where the wrestler never gets a good push past the first month or so and then they’re gone.

Okay, one instance. Fatu, who used to have one gimmick as a rough guy in a tag team called 3-Minute Warning. He was a gangster who was brought out to destroy his opponents and the opponents of the guy who brought him in, Eric Bischoff. Then he went missing for a while and was brought back as Umaga, an island warrior who couldn’t speak English but was hell-bent on kicking ass.

Personally, I’ve always enjoyed watching him wrestle, no matter the gimmick, because he’s a talented guy and he moves very well for a man his size. However, the gimmicks just weren’t working.

Umaga seemed to work, though, and I was quickly a fan. He dominated every match, and he didn’t just have squash matches, he was able to put on some decent performances, because he is a ring veteran who knows what he’s doing. Eventually he was pushed to a title reign.

Shortly after that, he was turned into a fan favorite, that didn’t go as well as his heel days and he was then dropped again.

That’s just one of the hundreds of times old wrestlers are repackaged and brought back as someone else.

Now, there’s a “new” wrestler who’s been wrestling for just less than a month now and his name is Lord Tensai, from Japan. He comes out with his fu manchu mustache and his “authentic” Japanese garb and his “real” tattoos on his face that are all in Japanese symbols which are supposed to represent how he’s a path of destruction and how people should watch out for him.

His previous tenure in the WWE, he was called A-Train. A man named Matt Bloom who was born and raised in Peabody, Massachusetts and who currently resides in Arizona. He’s not Japanese.

Bloom as A-Train

That’s okay, though, because in this day and age with information readily available, the WWE makes mention of the fact on their website that he used to be A-Train, but that he left and went to Japan to wrestle, which he actually did, and that he loved the culture so much he has taken it on himself.

Okay, fine. But the fact of the matter is, he’s still an old wrestler who has been repackaged. He still has the same moves in the ring, including his finisher which is the same one he had as A-Train, and to be honest, none of it is that impressive.

Bloom as Lord Tensai

I was never a big fan of his to begin with. He’s a big guy, but he’s, in a way, pseudo-big. While he is indeed a big guy, his arms are actually really small on him in comparison. He has tattoos and piercings and a mean look on his face to help give the big-guy impression, but he doesn’t really have a good big-guy look when you really look at him.

I say this because in his time off one would think that maybe he would work on that, but now that he’s back as Lord Tensai, it’s obvious he hasn’t worked on that at all, and he actually looks to be in worse shape now than he was when he was A-Train.

He’s now had his first three matches, all of which he’s won, including his most recent bout with John Cena. I give him another month or so before he’ll be forgotten and nobody will even care to think of him again. Let’s see where this thing goes, if anywhere other than where I say it will.

Murder Free In El Salvador

I just read in the news that El Salvador celebrated an entire day with nobody being murdered.

SAN SALVADOR (Reuters) – No one was murdered in El Salvador on Saturday, officials said, in what was the first homicide-free day in nearly three years for the Central American country plagued by violent drug gangs.

“After years when the number of murders reached alarming levels of up to 18 per day, we saw not one homicide in the country,” President Mauricio Funes said in a statement released on Sunday. The murder-free day was the first recorded since leftist Funes took office in June 2009.

At the beginning of Funes’ term, the country had an average of 12 murders a day, but that tally climbed closer to 18 per day in early 2012.

Rival gangs operating in El Salvador called a truce last month and bloodshed between the country’s two most powerful gangs, Mara Salvatrucha and gang Mara 18, has abated.

According to United Nations data, El Salvador has recently tallied a homicide rate of 66 per 100,000 people, one of the highest in the world.

The people celebrated this fact by throwing a party. During the party, 32 people were murdered.

Movie Review: Hoodwinked Too!

After the first movie, I really wanted to see the follow up, hoping it would cash in on the awesomeness the first movie had.

Hoodwinked Too!: Hood Vs Evil

It really didn’t. While it was a decent movie and it had its moments of comedy that were good for a laugh, it wasn’t as good as the first.

When it starts, Hood is off training to be an ultra badass. There’s a very funny scene with her on a bridge fighting a troll. If the rest of the movie could have went as well as that scene, it would have been a great movie.

The rest of the team devised of all of the people from the first one in the new Happy Ever-after Agency, or HEA, is trying to help out a stranded Hansel and Gretel from the evil witch.

Agent 1: The Witch is in the window.
Agent 2: Which window?
Agent 1: Affirmative.
Agent 2: What?

Granny gets captured as she tries to make the save and the Witch gets away with all three. Red has to come back to help get her back because the Big Bad Wolf didn’t do such a good job.

With some tension between Red and Wolf, and a pretty decent appearance by the former movie’s evil-doer, Bunny, it’s a decent movie and well worth the watch, like I said though, not as good as the first.

It has all of the big names providing voices for the characters again and even some new ones (cause some of the originals decided to not do this again, like Anne Hathaway as Red). Cheech and Chong make an appearance as two of the three little piggies. They’re hysterical. And so is the singing Goat, who also returns in this one in another funny role.

Aside from all of the good, the movie got to be boring enough that I fell asleep… both times I tried watching it. I can’t tell you how it ends because I simply don’t know.

With that said, I’ll have to give this movie a 5 out of 10 stars. It had some good comedy in it, it had star power and during the first half of the movie it’s all good. But something happens halfway through that puts me out.

Movie Review: Barely Legal

A few years before there was the hilarious Zack and Miri Make A Porno, there was the decently funny National Lampoon’s: Barely Legal.

The movie is about three teenagers who are nerds and haven’t been laid yet. They’ve never even had a girlfriend, except for the leader of the pack Deacon, who lost her to a much more popular guy. Rumor goes around that she gave it up to him, so Deacon is upset, but fantasizes about another girl.

They decide to be like Tony Montana (Scarface) and get the girls by having power and money. For money, the one guy Matt bootlegs porn and they sell it to freshmen at their high school. Deacon is supposed to get a car for his birthday but gets a computer instead. Matt, who has the job at the video store where he steals the porn to bootleg, gets fired. The third guy, Fred, has a problem with jacking off at school up to eight times a day due to his inability to see women and not need to jack off.

So instead of getting jobs, they decide to make their own porno to make money to get a car and eventually get the ladies.

Auditioning women for their movie. The camera man should be where they are.

What ensues is a typical “porn” movie set up. If you’ve seen Zack and Miri, then you know what to expect. They go through all of the phases, should they or shouldn’t they do it, what their porn names will be, finding a place to film, finding the actors to be in it, writing the script, etc.

Throw in the regular teenage problems and issues and a little side drama with the local big-business porn makers, and you have Barely Legal. A movie about making a porn while not actually showing much of the porn.

The one on the right is in their movie. You get to see her knockers.

There are some decent breast shots and some masturbation jokes, and a few familiar faces (Tom Arnold and others) but this movie should be taken as a teenage comedy. Sadly, these days National Lampoon has more of these movies out than stuff resembling the classics of yesterday, but it’s still not too bad a movie. You might catch it on Comedy Central sometime, and if you do, check it out. It’s good for some laughs.

I give this movie 6 out of 10 stars for decent tit shots (from girls who are supposed to be in high school, so it’s a little like child molestation) and some decent comedy.

5 Shipwrecks You Probably Never Heard Of

With Titanic monopolizing the shipwreck category in every way, including the current 100 year anniversary celebrations going on, it’s hard to believe that there were other ships that met their untimely demise in much the same way. They were either hit by something or hit something, and they sank.

“Who cares?” you might ask. I’ll answer that with another question… “if you can care so much about the Titanic, where are the celebrations for these other ships?”

It’s all of the Titanic’s hogging of the spotlight that undoubtedly coined the term “showboating”.

Naturally there have been hundreds, if not thousands of shipwrecks over the years. It’s amazing the oceans aren’t full of scrap metal now so much that sailing across them would be impossible, but as it is, there’s a lot of room under the sea for plenty more ships. You think global warming is raising the ocean? I think it’s all of the ships bottoming out.


5. The Mary Rose


This ship was built between 1509 and 1511 and was a favorite ship of King Henry VIII. He probably married and killed a few of his brides on it.

Artists rendition of what The Mary Rose looked like.

The Mary Rose sailed for a while and had a long and successful career. But she sank in 1545 accidentally, while hanging out during an engagement with the French fleet.

Found in 1982 by the Mary Rose Trust, a lot of her artifacts are now on display in the Portsmouth Historic Dockyard.

So where’s her celebration? Last year was the 500th anniversary of when she set sail, but I never heard a thing on the news. This year is the 30th anniversary of her recovery, but there sure wasn’t a weekend-long PBS special on TV about her. So what gives?

Nobody knows for sure exactly how many people lost their lives when The Mary Rose sank, but estimations are set right around 2 billion.


4. The Estonia


The Estonia was built in the Meyer Werft shipyard in Germany and sunk recently in 1994. On September 28th to be exact. Funny, every year on September 28th I don’t see a thing in the national news papers about it…

Picture taken just before she hit an iceberg.

The Estonia sank in the Baltic Sea in one of the worst maritime disasters of the 20th century, being the deadliest sinking in the Baltic Sea in peacetime, costing 852 lives. Do you think in 2014 we’ll hear about a 20 year celebration to worship those who lost their lives aboard The Estonia? I doubt it.

From Wikipedia: The casualties “had an immense impact on the world concept of ferry safety” and led to changes in safety regulations and liferaft design much as the Titanic disaster did in 1912.

Well obviously those changes the Titanic brought upon safety regulations for ships were just slightly off, because they didn’t help The Estonia at all.


3. The Vasa


The Vasa is an older ship, built in the 17th century. Just like the Titanic, it sank on its maiden voyage, only The Vasa traveled just one nautical mile before sinking. So yeah, it was a huge failure.

"One nautical mile Titanic! Suck on that! I didn't even hit an iceberg!" - The Vasa

So how far is a nautical mile? Since it’s a nautical thing and means nothing to the rest of the real world, I’ll enlighten you. One nautical mile translates roughly to thirty standard feet, or ten yards. I’m sure that’s right. I didn’t even look it up.

And WHY did The Vasa sink? It was literally built to. Back in those days, people just built ships for the hell of it, whether they knew what they were doing or not, and The Vasa was built by some dude who had less nautical experience than a cat.

So now she’s been raised and dusted off and you can go check her out anytime you want. Just plan a trip to Sweden to see her museum in Stockholm. You can be one of the 29 million people who have visited the museum since 1961.


2. The Sultana


A Mississippi River steamboat built in 1863 by the John Litherbury Shipyard in Cincinnati, The Sultana was being used to transport POWs from the Union army back home after the American Civil War and made regular trips from St. Louis and New Orleans.

Despite what the picture might make you think, there actually were no colors in 1865. Colors didn't happen until the 1960s.

One fateful night in 1865, the ship’s boiler blew the fuck up and destroyed the ship, killing everyone on board. The explosion could be seen for miles, probably.

Because of the non-existent awesome ship-codes that the sinking of the Titanic brought upon fifty years later, over 1,800 innocent people lost their lives. Sucks to be you Titanic, you only killed 1,517! The major death toll is what gave The Sultana the tag Titanic of the Mississippi, even though The Sultana sank fifty years before the Titanic did. Way to go, jackasses. Shouldn’t we be calling the Titanic the Sultana of the Atlantic?

The ship was brought back from the dead in 1982 when it was discovered in a fucking soy bean field. Apparently the flow of the Mississippi River has changed course a few times since 1865, and the ship was found 4 feet under the field.

No tours of its stuff are currently going around. But I’m sure you don’t need one, what with all of the Titanic’s shit on display everywhere all the time, right?


1. The Carpathia


Talk about irony. The Carpathia was the ship that came to the Titanic’s rescue when it went down like a paid-off fighter in a Don King fight.

Lookout! Iceberg! Just kidding. But seriously though, you'll sink too.

She made her maiden voyage in 1903 and then helped out the Titanic in 1912. In 1918 (some sources say 1917), she sank at the hands of a torpedo sent by an Imperial German Navy U-boat during WWI disguised mysteriously as an iceberg.

Amazingly, only five people died while the rest of the people on board, all 275 of them, survived. Even the Captain didn’t go down with his ship.

It was discovered in 1999 by a company known as Argosy International Ltd. and was promptly turned into a casino.