I understand how the title of this blog might seem strange. After all, who the hell wants to live in a sewer? Well, someone might. The Ninja Turtles do, or at least they did until they moved into that abandoned train station in the second movie. For what it’s worth, if you have a choice, you’d probably want to pick the abandoned train station too. Here in Cincinnati we have one, and it rules.
But for the rest of us who don’t have that option, I’ve compiled a list of the best and worst things involved with living in a sewer. Now that the housing market has gone to shit, you might be considering living somewhere other than a house or any basic means of living quarters, and a sewer is a great choice.
- One of the best things about living in a sewer is, there are plenty of them. Face it, they’re everywhere. Sewers span the farthest regions of our country. Some other countries even have them, or so I’ve heard. New Jersey doesn’t, though, or that’s what I expect. Otherwise, why would it smell the way it does?
- Another pro is the space. Can you imagine the amount of space you’d have living in a sewer? With their ever expanding tunnels and thruways, you’d be hard pressed to run out of space. Unless, of course, everyone moves in with you. Then you might have to fight for your own space, but chances are good that won’t happen.
- One of my favorite parts of living in a sewer is the very small chance that you’ll get skin cancer from the sun’s rays. If you’re not in the sun at all, you don’t have to deal with skin cancer.
- Another great aspect of living in a sewer is the lack of traffic you’d have to deal with. Since sewers go everywhere, you are basically guaranteed a one-way shot to where ever you have to go in probably the fastest time possible, unless you teleported to where you had to go, and let’s face it, if you could teleport, then chances are good you wouldn’t be living in a sewer.
- It all costs the same. No inflation for good areas, no deflation for the slums. You’re in a sewer, it’s all the slums. Besides, chances are very good that it doesn’t cost a thing, so the price is a great option on the pro side.
- Also, having your choice of what neighborhood to live in is a pretty nice pro. Since all sewer real-estate costs the same, you can have your choice on what neighborhood you want to live in. Are you feeling ritzy? Head on over to that nice side of town and enjoy their sewers. You’ll probably have slightly more space there anyway, and a nicer environment. Plus, rich people tend to eat better, so you might not have to deal with as much stink.
Now that we’ve gone over just how awesome it would be to live in a sewer, let’s see the negative side of things.
- It’s a sewer. Aside from all of the pros, living in a sewer would suck. Mostly because it would smell like raw ass the entire time. Sure you would get used to it, but why would you want to? That would be like having cancer of the scrotum. Sure you could get used to it, but who would want to?
The biggest thing you have to understand with this particular reason is, if you’re going to live in a sewer, don’t bitch about how it smells. For one, I’m not sure who you would bitch to, since bitching would only give away the fact that you’re living in a sewer and most places frown upon that sort of thing.
But, it would be like those people who move next to a landfill and then complain about the smell. Nobody asked you to move into a sewer, so don’t complain.
- Another issue with living in sewers is the flooding. Every time it rains, that rain is collected in small streams along the curbs of the roads and those streams flow right into the sewer. The sewer collects all of this water and sends it rushing off towards whatever predetermined location it can, usually a stream of some kind. When you have that amount of water in your house, things kind of suck. Plus, you’ll probably lose all of your possessions to the water.
- Not only will the constant moving water take away all of your belongings, but it will also bring you new belongings. Without getting into detail, it would be very safe to say that these new belongings will be things you do not want.
- Despite what a lot of people think, not all sewers are directly linked to toilets, but some are. Keep this in mind when picking a location for your new home. You definitely don’t want to be in a toilet section.
- Since we’re on the topic of locations, also try to steer clear of any Mexican restaurants.
- Unwanted pets can ruin your day. Now, you might enjoy getting some new exotic pets in your life, and since you’re living in a sewer you probably don’t get a lot of company. You’ll get lonely rather quickly, unless you don’t mind living as a recluse. That’s where the good news comes in (sure this could be under the pros category). Sometimes when someone has a pet they no longer want or can control, they’ll send it to the sewers. These animals can include but are not limited to, alligators, crocodiles, snakes of all kinds, and badgers. The problem here is, you don’t want any of these animals as a pet, unless you don’t value your life. Living in a sewer, however, that might be the case.
Sure you might actually get the random bag of kittens or puppies, but chances are very good they’ll be dead before they get to you, unless someone uses the manhole cover directly over your living room to get rid of the goods.
You also have to look out for the natural sewer dwellers, mice, rats, tyrannosaurus rex’s, and Republicans. These are all formidable foes and will eat you quicker than you’ll eat them. Don’t let that happen.
- Being that you’re in a sewer, chances are good that you won’t find a decent place to live, since they weren’t designed with you living there in mind. You won’t have multiple floors, a living room, a kitchen, or even bedrooms. What you will have is a bunch of cylindrical tubes running all over the place. So unless you don’t mind living in a bunch of ill-lit round tubes, you’ll probably not like living in a sewer.
However, there are plenty of places to use the bathroom.
- Getting delivery would be horrible. Take it from the Ninja Turtles first movie. The pizza guy couldn’t find the place. That’s going to happen to you. Sure you might find a way to live comfortably in the sewer and you might even find away to rig up the electricity to work in your favor and you may even have your own working telephone. But unless you’re willing to say you live in a sewer, they’re probably not going to find you easily (if they even believe you).
On the flip side, if the guy is late you might not have to pay full price for the order, so there’s another great way to save some cash. “Wise man say ‘forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for a late pizza’”.
- Getting people to visit would suck. Nobody wants to live in a sewer, but more than that, nobody wants to visit someone who lives in a sewer. Just ask your friends. You can start by nonchalantly bringing up the fact that you’re thinking of moving to the sewer. “Hey, do you want to play some Modern Warfare? Also, I’ve been thinking of moving to the sewer.” If they don’t respond right away it’s because they’re in shock or they didn’t hear you correctly. You can then follow it up with, “Yeah, it’s true. So, would you have a problem coming to visit me if I did? Also, there’s chips and dip in the kitchen.” You might need to throw in the dip to help ease the conversation into your favor, but it probably won’t help, so be prepared for it to not work.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about visiting my friends if they lived in the sewer, because I’d want them to return the favor if I was to move to the sewer. It’s only fair, right? Well, as it turns out I’m not that willing. Sure we’d be alone and we could make as much noise as we wanted, but where would I park?
- No parking would suck. If you’re going to do all of your traveling throughout the sewer, then you don’t really need to have a car. But if you want people to visit you and actually find some who will visit you, you’re going to need a place for them to park once they get to your place. That is, of course, unless they just drop down into the sewer by their house and travel through the tubes to you. Things would work out great if they could catch a wave, then they wouldn’t have to walk so much. But waiting for a flash flood in the sewer can be a shot in the dark, so I wouldn’t count on that.
The best way to get around this is to make your dwelling near a public parking space or on a side street that allows on-street parking. The only problem with that is, if they park on some random side street and then proceed to climb into the sewer, someone will probably think that to be a little strange and they might call the cops, or worse, their local metropolitan sewer district to come and figure out just what the hell is going on.
So there you go, all of the pros and cons of living in a sewer. I’m sure there are more, but there are plenty here on this list to help you make an informed decision. I truly hope it helps.
And if you or someone you know lives in the sewer, please write to me to let me know how it’s working out for them and what their biggest pros and cons are. I’d truly like to hear from a first hand source.