Monthly Archives: May 2012

Speaking Of Awards…

Posted on May 25, 2012 by | 2 Comments

I got another one coming to me! Yeah, this blog and I have powered our way through endless Chun-Li hits, movie reviews, old Editorials and beer. Lots and lots of beer.

So now, because I have a buddy who gets awards for his blog, I get awards for my blog. Once again I’d like to thank twindaddy for hooking a brother up.

I rule.

With that said, naturally once again I have to go through a plethora of crap in order to get this, so here goes.

  • Include the award logo in a post or somewhere on your blog.
  • Answer 10 questions about yourself.
  • Nominate 10 to 12 other fabulous bloggers.
  • Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blog, letting them know about the award.
  • Share the love and link the person who nominated you.

Ok, first one is done. And now, ten freakin questions.

What’s one of your favorite books from childhood? Cars and Trucks and Things That Go. Hell yeah.

What are you reading right now? I am currently reading the fourth book in The Dark Tower Series by Stephen King, Wizard and Glass.

What’s a go-to meal you make on busy weeknight? Fast food normally, or frozen pizza.

Favorite thing to do in your free time? Write, play video games, read. Lately a lot of writing.

Favorite season? Fall. It’s not hot, it’s not cold, it’s just right. Plus Halloween rules.

Favorite magazine? I don’t read magazines, but if I did it would be Playboy or Hustler.

Favorite author? Stephen King, with a very close second to Heather Graham, Alexandra Sokoloff, Richard Brautigan and Douglas Adams.

Favorite color? Blue.

Favorite movie? Too many to list, but I’ll say my current favorite is Grandma’s Boy.

Do you prefer reading short stories or novels? I just prefer to read, I don’t care what. As long as it’s not a magazine.

And now I have to nominate 10 to 12 other blogs? Well, I’ve done this once before and I think of all the blogs I nominated only one or two gave a shit, so I’m not doing it again. However, if anybody wants to come by and take the award for their own blog, go ahead. Just make sure you let me know you did it so that I can say I nominated you.

I will, however, give one to Chandra at Just Another Body, because she’s one that gave a shit last time and her blog deserves it anyway. Way to go doll, you got another award!

Finally, (I’ll let Chandra know on Facebook about her award), I already linked to twindaddy (a ton of times on this blog) so there it is. I got another award and I almost followed all of the “rules” to getting it. Now I’m off to bed. I mean, it’s only 7 am.

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Posted in Awesome

And The Biggest View Award For This Blog Goes To…

Posted on May 23, 2012 by | 2 Comments

Chun-Li. Why? Because people, apparently a bunch of still-horny 15 year olds, are allowed to Google whatever the hell they want and what they want to see is Chun-Li. Oh, and those 15 year olds are now 35 and still live in their parents’ basement.

I’m not sure who still thinks she’s hot enough to do searches on her being hot, but it happens, a lot. That’s why my entry on the shitty movie based on her legend (which it wasn’t) is still the most viewed piece I’ve done since starting this blog, and it’s been a good 2 months since I posted it.

And they’re not going to places like Tube8 for real porn? No, they still want to see Chun-Li so they can jerk off to pictures of her kicking.

I did a search on Google to see where my site popped up to see what these pervs are going through just to see… well, nothing good really, and I found something else instead.

I discovered a new blog that I’ll most likely follow because of how awesome it is, but the guy who does it, Rob Simple, has been dealing with the same thing because he wrote about Chun-Li and now he’s getting the same pimple-faced heathens visiting his blog and giving him tons of traffic just like they’re doing for me. The piece of his I found was interesting, and he explains the same issue as well as other searches that are bringing him traffic. They are very funny, but sadly, true.

Thanks… I guess… for the views…

And to Rob, I feel your pain brother.

So what are they searching for that brings them here to that movie review? The exact search phrases are, chun li hot, chun the cheap cartoon, thick legs, how to get thicker legs. Amazing, isn’t it? In the past week I’ve had 68 views to that article alone, whereas the next one on the list only got 13 views.

I don’t get it, but to each their own, I guess. If they want to see Chun-Li and beat off to her, more power to them. As for me, I’m going to go watch real porn with real women who don’t shoot up steroids into just their legs. No, the women I watch shoot up steroids into their twats. That’s how a REAL woman does it.

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Posted in Bitching

Tagged

Gotcha Again!

Posted on May 20, 2012 by | 1 Comment

Yes, I busted another prank callers dreams. This time in quick fashion.

Following last night’s debacle, I took a call tonight from some girl, and I mean girl, who was probably just in her early teens.

Rule number one prankers, giggling and laughing on the phone and in the background gives yourself away, right away. Dumbasses.

Me: Thank you for calling, what is your name?
Her: (I can’t remember now, not important.)
Me: And what is your phone number?

She starts to give me her number, gives me the area code, stumbles with three fake first numbers, completely stops and then says “one one one one” and giggles.

I said, “Don’t you mean…” and I ran her number off to her.

She froze and then again stumbled over her words. “Oh, uh, I uh, I think I called the wrong number…”

I said “yeah” sarcastically and hung up. That was the last time she called.

WHEN WILL YOU FUCKS LEARN?!?!

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Posted in Awesome, Bitching

Tagged

Gotcha!

Posted on May 19, 2012 by | 3 Comments

If I had a piece here at the House o’ Fun about Customer Service Fails, this would be under that category. As it turns out, I do not, but I’m pretending it’s a part of twindaddy’s, without his knowing.

Last night at work we had yet another third-shift-pranker who once again failed horribly at pranking. This is how it went.

Me: Thanks for calling, what is your name?
Him: Dawn. That’s D… A… W… N.
Me: And your last name?
Him: Jones.
Me: Thank you, and do you by chance happen to have an email address?
Him: Yes.
Me: What is it?
Him: My dick in your ass!

And he hung up. A moment later, I get another call.

Me: Thanks for calling, what is your name?
Him: It’s still my dick in your ass!

As he laughed, I then proceeded to say “Yeah, well I have your phone number as…” and I recited his number. Typically we’re not supposed to let our customers know we have caller ID, but in these cases it works in our favor. When I got done reading off his number to him he replied in a legitimately scared tone, “For real?” I said “yup” and hung up on him.

Immediately, my wife, the only other person who works third shift with me, got a call and it was him.

He told her he was fifteen and fucked up (probably on weed, he didn’t say) and he begged us not to call his mom and tell her, because she would kill him. He begged and pleaded.

I had written down his number to keep for my own records of prank callers, so later if I happen to see one of them pop up, much like a “do not accept checks from this person” list, I can kill the prank before it gets started. I scratched it off. He won’t be calling back now. And sadly, that list of numbers is growing pretty big, yet I have yet to hear an original prank.

This really got to me, although I found it very amusing that he called back and begged for us to not call his mom. It got to me because seriously, these prank calls are starting to wear on me. Again, they’re not original and it’s not that they’re “getting me”, it’s just played out and I’m bored to death with it. If only they knew, as if they’d care.

I considered giving his mother a call today to let her know, but decided against it. Why? I remember being 15, smoking dope and making prank calls. I wasn’t any more original although I did have some good ones that really worked out well, but still, I did it, so how could I persecute him for doing it when I did the same thing?

Sure, he doesn’t know we get pranked all the time because he’s 15. He’s stupid. We all were at that age. He can’t be held accountable for all of the other dumbasses, most of them much older and more “mature” than he is, but still it would have been funny as hell to call his mom and tell her just to hear her reaction.

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Posted in Awesome, Bitching

Tagged

Past Dumbasses

Posted on May 18, 2012 by | 1 Comment

I was just staring at the moon and wondered something. Back in the day people thought the Earth was flat. Yet they could easily look into the sky and see a round moon and sun.

It’s obvious that those people back in that time, were all complete fucking idiots. I bet those who were the geniuses, like Aristotle, Socrates and so on, weren’t actual geniuses, they were just the less stupid of everyone else.

Like Da Vinci. Da Vinci painted a woman with no eyebrows and he’s famous for doing so. Like a dumbass, he didn’t realize that women have eyebrows. Yet we celebrate his “achievements”. He designed a helicopter that didn’t fly. I did that shit in the first grade. It’s not something geniuses do, is what I’m saying.

I mean really, what did they “discover”? Gravity? Who the fuck discovers gravity? It’s not like discovering a mountain range that has never been discovered before, or a new planet in the sky (it would probably be flat too), no. Sir Isaac Newton is in the record books for discovering gravity. What a fucking moron.

How do you discover something that’s always there? That would be like discovering sunlight, years after the first person walked the earth. One day some asshole stops what he’s doing, looks up at the sky and is immediately blinded by the light he’s seen his entire life. Yet he’s happy. He discovered the sun’s rays!

No, not at all. Gravity was discovered by the very first being to take a step on this planet and not go flying off into space. Not Newton.

Besides, how do you discover gravity? What makes you suddenly think that things normally should go flying off into space when all you’ve ever known is the opposite?

Why would you one day just suddenly go “something fell to the ground, that means it normally isn’t supposed to! Something must have caused it to fall!” Yeah, it fucking fell, that’s what caused it to fall. But now he’s praised as being the guy who discovered the undiscoverable.

I now will discover something that doesn’t need to be discovered.

Water in its natural state is clear, right?

WRONG!

There is a chemical that nobody has ever known of before called strapminoleos that turns water, which is normally black, into clear! And then the strapminoleos instantly goes away leaving only clear H2O!

Don’t believe me? I swear it’s true! Where’s my adulation? I discovered something that didn’t need to be discovered because it’s not there… just like flying off into space isn’t there.

Sure, gravity does exist which naturally means it’s something that can be discovered, but water is clear, right? What makes it clear? Something has to make it clear. You can’t see gravity, but you can see its effects. Well, you can’t see what’s keeping water clear either, but you can (ahem) clearly see its effects.

So something makes water naturally clear. Sure it could be the two gases that form to make water that are clear, but what makes them clear?

Strapminoleos. A chemical that I just created… I mean discovered.

Even with all of the info that I don’t know, if I were living back in the day, I would’ve been the smartest mother fucker alive.

“What’s that? The earth is flat? Just kill yourself now, idiot.”

“What’s that? You discovered gravity? Wow, that apple must have hit you on the head harder than everyone thought. Idiot.”

I don’t think we should give these people praise anymore. Just because they discovered shit in their time doesn’t make them smart. As I said, it just makes them not as dumb as everyone else that lived when they did. That doesn’t mean they should be knighted, or should be praised or written about or studied.

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Posted in Bitching

Ode To Popcorn

Posted on May 15, 2012 by | 2 Comments

Oh, popcorn
Oh, how you grow in a field with millions of your tasty relatives
And then how you are picked by machinery or foreign hands,
And processed in a factory
Dried, bagged, shipped
Oh, how I purchase you in a store,
And pop you in the microwave
Oh, popcorn
How you do smell, with your buttery flavor, enticing my taste buds
I hear you popping, but I cannot see you
I only see the bag filling up
And then I wait for the three seconds of silence to pull you from the microwave
Your pop slows, finally there’s silence
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, and then there on the third Mississippi
I hear a pop
Now I am confused
Do I pull you out and eat you?
Or let a few more of your kernels pop
As I wait for three more seconds of silence?
Oh, popcorn
How I love thee, so I will not wait
Because I do appreciate those half-popped kernels, with their tasty crunchiness
Now my fingers smell of your buttery flavor
And I shall be reminded of you all night long
Oh, popcorn

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Posted in Awesome

Tagged

Directv Sucks

Posted on May 15, 2012 by | 1 Comment

I’ve never had Directv, or satellite of any kind for that matter, but I have no desire to. As much as I hate cable, and here where I live I only have one choice for a cable provider, I’d still rather pay an arm and a leg for cable than deal with no TV when it rains or snows.

I’ve known three people in my life who have had satellite and all three eventually switched back to cable. Their reason? They didn’t like having no TV when it rained or snowed either.

Now, Directv has these commercials out that are all pretty funny in and of themselves, but they’re not going to make me get Directv. Even more so, they’re lying to themselves and us. Check this one out.

The commercial is funny, and all of their commercials along these lines are funny. The problem is, they’re expecting us to believe that if nothing is on cable, something is on satellite. The only problem is, both cable and satellite have the same fucking channels, and those channels don’t care how you view them, they’re going to show the same shows at the same times no matter how you view.

What they COULD be saying is, don’t pay too much for cable if nothing is going to be on. So go with Directv and pay less to have nothing to watch. That’s really what they’re saying.

No thank you. Personally, I’d rather pay too much for cable with the hopes that if it is raining or snowing out, I’ll still be able to watch whatever happens to be on. However, Directv, keep coming out with those commercials. They’re much better to watch than the ones Time Warner has been showing non-stop for the last month.

Speaking of that, I hate Time Warner. They’ve monopolized the cable industry here and I have no choice for cable. None of us here do. We’re forced to pay what they want us to pay, and naturally it’s way too much. But there are no other options, so we’re stuck with it.

However, I think if you have cable or even satellite, you shouldn’t be forced to watch their commercials. What’s the point in advertising on your own broadcast for your product?

I know the real reason… the fact that those “cable” channels are also broadcast on satellite. So technically they’re advertising to those who are with their competitor. No matter, I still don’t care. I’m sick of seeing Time Warner’s cable commercials while I’m watching Time Warner Cable.

Basically, something needs to happen to give all of us something better at a decent price.

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Posted in Bitching

Tagged ,

People Beware

Posted on May 9, 2012 by | Leave a comment

There’s a new form of SPAM email out, and it’s pretty damn good. It got past my Gmail SPAM detector which is typically really good. If anything gets by it, it’s usually under 5 messages a year. So I typically trust it to nab those worthless assholes of the email, SPAM, in the bud.

Not this one. She, or it, got through. Here is what I got about 3 days ago…

Brittany Donovan brittanydonovan769@hotmail.com May 7 (3 days ago)
to me

Did you receive my last emails about your account? We’ll be forced to close it if you do not respond right away.

Thanks,
Brittany

I actually just got an email from one of the services I use, or used, telling me my account was going to be closed due to lack of use, and I already told them that was fine. But that all took place with another one of my email accounts, not this one, and that situation is already taken care of. Plus, their email was professional, direct from their website.

I was a little confused at this, so I responded.

Beefy May 7 (2 days ago)
to Brittany

What account? Who are you and what are you talking about?

I honestly didn’t expect to hear anything back because, for some reason, I had a feeling. Some sort of red flag popped up, only I didn’t know what. And then it happened.

Brittany Donovan brittanydonovan769@hotmail.com 10:16 PM (2 hours ago)
to me

Hey,

I’m REALLY sorry… I sent you this message by accident, I’m not sure how it happened. I feel awful. Hope I didnt waste a lot of your time…

You know, if you’re interested, Ive been earning really good money

There it is. Do you see how it didn’t take long to show its true colors? Bullshit, it took three days. That SPAM found its way onto my computer and probably gave my PC Hep C. I’m surprised it’s still working even now. The email went on to say…

with this work from home program and they just opened up 3 more positions in our area. Basically you make money by posting links online, its very easy and I usually just do it while watching TV.

Here is the link if you want to check it out:

http://www.consumerliving365.com/?article=1972384

I’ve made around $600 each week since I began… not enough to stop working yet but I actually have some spare money in my bank account lol. My sister is going to sign up later and these positions usually go fast, so Id really appreciate it if you don’t share the link with anyone else.

Thanks and again, very sorry about the whole mess up…

So now Brittany can make some more money because I posted her link for her. Don’t click it, I’m sure it will put the Hep C virus onto your computer as well. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Speaking of that, take this as a warning. If you get an email resembling the first one I posted, just SPAM it away right away and don’t worry about a thing. You see, that is why I’m here. Movie reviews, music reviews, general outtakes on real life… I’m here to protect YOU.

Beefy 12:21 AM (13 minutes ago)
to Brittany

Oh, you’re a new and improved form of spam. Awesome.

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Posted in Awesome

Tagged

The Dark Tower Movie

Posted on May 6, 2012 by | Leave a comment

First of all, settle down. There is no Dark Tower movie… yet, although one is in the works and apparently has been for a while now and is actually set to come out on May 17, 2013, although that more than likely won’t be when it comes out. However, it’s nice to see one is in the works.

The Dark Tower, for those who don’t know, is a series of books by legendary author Stephen King. It has spawned a comic book series, an online game and a legion of fans worldwide. It is highly regarded as one of his best sets of works and is an epic all in its own right.

The Dark Tower is about the last Gunslinger, Roland Deschain of Gilead and his adventures to the Dark Tower. I recently finished reading the third book and highly await my purchase later today of the fourth to get started on it ASAP.

Ron Howard is slated to direct it with Warner Bros. backing it. I found all of this info out on the website darktowermovies.com, which is the perfect site and domain to purchase before the movies come out. Whoever jumped on that was smart, even though I’m sure they’ll use something else in the end.

Since the movie is going to come out and there is talk that Javier Bardem is going to be filling the role of Roland, I’ve been thinking of my own actors to play the rest of the cast.

Javier, you might recall, was in Eat Pray Love as Felipe. He was also in No Country For Old Men as Anton Chigurh. He looks the part and is a much better selection for the role than my pick, John Marston from Red Dead Redemption.

Obviously my choice couldn’t happen since he’s a video game character. Also a younger Clint Eastwood would be nice, but that can’t happen either.

In the role of Odetta Holmes/Detta Walker/Susannah Dean, I think the perfect fit for her would be Rutina Wesley of True Blood fame.

She has the accent, the attitude, and she isn’t too bad lookin’ either. Every time Susannah speaks in the books, I immediately think of Rutina.

As far as Eddie Dean and Jake Chambers go, I haven’t thought much on that since younger guys are required to play the parts. However, I do think Christian Slater would have been good for Eddie, you know, if he were younger.

Finally, as Randall Flagg I picture Voldemort.

So there it is. I know on Stephen King’s online community they have their own choices as to who they think would play best in these roles. But I don’t hang out there, so my word is naturally only my word. Are you looking forward to these movies? Currently it’s slated for 3 and a TV series as well. I know I’m looking forward to it. I hope to have the entire series read before they come out though. Hopefully they don’t screw it up like Syfy is about to screw up Eyes Of The Dragon.

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Posted in Movies

Tagged ,

Spreading The Word

Posted on May 3, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Since I just got my first award in I don’t know how long for having this here blog, I decided to try and find my old awards that I gave out to sites back in the day. And back then my site had quite a few awards, but I have no idea where they are now. Eh.

So I went to find my old awards by searching on Google first to see if any of the sites I gave the awards to still had them posted on their sites. While searching for the name of my place, I came across something interesting.

A while back I did a review of Tyler Bryant & The Shakedown’s album From The Sandcastle. While searching my blog on Google, I discovered that Tyler Bryant put up a link to my review on their website. Pretty awesome, eh?

I can’t say for sure how much traffic that brought me, but it’s still pretty awesome that they found my review.

I guess they did a search on it, like all of the people who constantly search for Chun-Li and come across my movie review of The Legend Of Chun-Li. And now they’ll come here too because I mentioned her. Heh.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who continues to visit this blog. I’m not sure why you do it, but I do appreciate it. Now I’m off to go find those old awards I had been given and put them back up. Just to inflate my ego a bit.

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Posted in Awesome

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