Monthly Archives: November 2012

4 Reasons Why The Monkees Were Great

First off, let me start by saying that I’m a fan of The Monkees. As a child I used to watch their TV show on reruns (obviously, I’m not THAT old despite what my wife would have you believe) and I’ve always loved their music. Some people, especially huge Beatles fans, tend to hate The Monkees even though The Beatles themselves liked them.

From the TV show to their music, they were great and actually still are. Just a month ago they had yet another tour even though one of the four, Davy Jones, passed away earlier in the year due to a heart attack. Can The Beatles say they’ve toured recently? No. Of course more of them are dead than just one…

So here are my reasons why The Monkees deserve some fucking respect.


4. They Rocked


Despite rumors that have been around as long as they have, The Monkees played their own instruments. Yeah, that’s right, they totally did. Don’t believe me? Go read something. As much as I hate to use Wikipedia as a source for info, I can’t link to a book and have you read that without you actually buying it.

So The Monkees played their own instruments. Interesting. I wonder what else we’ve been lied to about all of these years.

“Wikipedia isn’t a reliable source? Nooo…”

Now let’s get down to it. The music they played was indeed rock, even though they had some slight country heading to the mix. Eventually they wanted to lean more towards blues which can go either way, in country and rock.

They had four number one albums in a one year period. They held the No. 1 spot on the Billboard album chart for 31 consecutive weeks, 37 weeks total. You can’t do that if you don’t put out some decent music.

Their first album The Monkees held the top spot on the Billboard 200 for 13 weeks, after which it was knocked out by their second album, More Of The Monkees. It included their first hit, “Last Train To Clarksville” which as it turns out was a depressing song about going to fight in Vietnam and most likely not coming home from there. Even the Cracked writer who wrote that bit thought they didn’t play their own instruments. Shows what kind of research they do.

“Hey Hey we’re The Monkees, and people say we monkey around!” Yup, now it’ll be stuck in your head all day.

Take the last train to Clarksville now I must hang up the phone
I can’t hear you in this noisy railroad station all alone
I’m feelin’ low oh no no no, oh no no no
And I don’t know if I’m ever coming home

Depressing shit, but the song was a fun-filled number you could dance to, so people loved it. Plus, you know, it was The Monkess, and they were top shit then.


3. Jimi Hendrix Opened For Them


That’s right, guitar/rock legend Jimi Hendrix opened for The Monkees. As you can imagine it didn’t go over well, because well, their music styles are completely different. There weren’t a lot of drugged out rockers in the crowd at a Monkees show. At least not then anyway. During one of the shows, Jimi Hendrix finally had enough of the audience booing him and gave them the finger before walking off the stage and quitting the tour. And now he’s dead.


2. They Had A Hit TV Show


Sure The Beatles had some hit movies, but The Monkees had a hit TV show. In the scheme of things that doesn’t mean much, but The Monkees TV show, aptly titled “The Monkees” can be shown in reruns and syndication. The Beatles can’t say that.

The Monkees TV show first hit the airwaves in 1966 and went until 1968 before stopping production on new shows. It went into syndication in 1969 and has been reran multiple times up until the 1980′s. Because of the syndication, they sold even more albums and had more success, including more tours which were critically acclaimed.


1. They Still Tour


As I said at the top of this article, The Monkees just had a tour in the U.S. even though Davy Jones passed away on February 29, 2012. From Wikipedia (AGAIN?!), “The brief tour marked the first time Nesmith performed with the Monkees since 1997, as well as the first without Jones. Jones’ memory was honored throughout the shows via recordings and video. During one point, the band went quiet and a recording of Jones singing “I Wanna Be Free” played while footage was screening of him walking along the beach. For Jones’ signature song, “Daydream Believer”, Dolenz explained that the band had discussed who should sing the song, only to conclude that it should be the fans. “It doesn’t belong to us anymore,” said Dolenz. “It belongs to you.””

“Hey, aren’t we missing somebody? Oh… right…”
What? Too soon?

Hopefully that tour won’t be their last, because I’d love to see them live. Until then, thanks for the tunes, chaps. They rock, and so do you.

Amp’d Mobile Sucked Hairy Balls

I say “sucked” because Amp’d mobile isn’t around anymore. True to the title of this blog, they did indeed suck so much that they quickly went out of business. Unfortunately, before they went out of business, I found out just how much they sucked.

“Hey, at least we’re not Amp’d. Shit.”

Not only did their service suck, but their phones sucked. You see, cell phone companies have their own “operating systems” that they put into their phones. That’s why if you buy a phone from one cell phone company and then buy that same phone from another, the layout on the phones will usually be different even though they are the exact same phones.

Amp’d had a whopping selection of three phones to choose from, and two of them were the same phone just different colors. These were by Kyocera, and they were slide phones, one white and one black. I can’t remember the other phone because I didn’t have it. I had the black Kyocera slide phone, and it sucked enough that I’ll never own another product by Kyocera again.

To start, Amp’d first came out with a head full of steam. They had their own television network that you could access via your cell phone (and a huge monthly fee). I opted to not have it because I could just barely afford their service, which was at the time the highest priced phone service you could get.

The funny thing about the commercial (other than the commercial) is the phone they show at the end. Not even on their website did they offer that phone, so no, it wasn’t one of the three they had. But you can see by the commercial that it seemed to be an awesome service, which is why I bought into it.

I only wanted the phone and the service for the first couple of days. Problems with the cell phone started right away and problems with the company started just after that. I quickly learned how shitty they were, and I tried getting out of my contract before the first week was up. Unfortunately I had signed up for a 2 year contract and if you got out of it in the first 7 days you didn’t have to pay an early termination fee.

Problems with the cell phone included the phone turning itself on and off whenever it wanted, during calls, while in my pocket, while I was adding someone’s contact info to it, whenever. Also, it would dial random numbers whenever it wanted. Most of the time it would dial numbers while in my pocket, and I’d have no idea that it had done that. Two of these instances were phone calls made to New York for seventeen minutes and to Paris, France for 26 minutes. I’m guessing they were businesses because I was on hold the entire time and nobody had ever picked up, but I was charged the long distance fee for those times.

Another problem I had was the customer service, which apparently everyone had that issue. On the third day of having the phone I called their customer support to tell them I no longer wanted the service. I was on hold for a half an hour when a recorded voice came on the line to tell me I’d be on hold for another half hour. I waited that second half hour before that same voice came on again to tell me my wait from that point was another half hour. I hung up.

I went to my account on their website and contacted their support that way. I told them I didn’t even care if I had to pay the $175 early termination fee, I just wanted out of their service. In order to contact them I had to use their on-site contact form, so naturally I have no copies of this email being sent, although I’m sure it was never sent or nobody ever read it because I never heard back from them.

Overall I tried calling them multiple times and had emailed them three times. I never heard back from them.

After just two years in service they finally went bankrupt in 2007. Now I’m getting letters from their collection agency that they want their money that I owe them. Fuck them, I’m not paying. I tried getting out of my contract in the right time frame so that I would owe them no money and they refused to let me go, so they can suck shit. Unfortunately I have no proof of that since I have no copies of the emails I sent, merely days after I first signed up with them. Thank God they are no longer around.

6 Rocks You Probably Never Heard Of

In this world there are many different awesome things. One of those that we take for granted are rocks. Because rocks are fucking everywhere. Some of us even have tons of tiny ones making up our driveways, yet we drive over them every day without a second thought.

Sure there are the Rosetta Stones and the Plymouth Rocks out there, but I’m betting you’ve probably never heard of the following six. I’m not betting a lot, because I’m bad at gambling.


6. ALH 84001


ALH 84001 roughly translates to “Allan Hills, Antarctica, 84001″ which just so happens to be the place where the rock was discovered. It’s a small one, measuring in at basically the size of a potato, but what it offers us is something extraordinary.

“Representin’ the 672!”

The rock proves there’s life on Mars.

Obviously. It comes from Mars, which we can find out by reading the return address on the envelope it was sent in. And naturally if it was sent to us from Mars, somebody had to send it, right? Rocks don’t just fly off of planets and land on other planets.

Actually, it happens all the time, and this one is no different.

Discovered in 1984 by some people who realized the rock was out of place amongst a sea of snow and ice, but they figured that it was just a regular earth rock because, as it turns out, we have a shit ton of rocks on this planet.

But in 1996 NASA decided they were going to test the rock, whether they had motives or just a hard case of boredom remains a mystery. What they found was it was made up from Mars stuff and a bunch of “structures originating from fossilized, primitive bacteria-like organisms.” In other words, extra-terrestrial life. So yes, this rock apparently proves that there is life outside of our own planet.

Duh. We’ve known that since the ’80′s.

The rock is still under scrutiny by people who don’t believe Mars exists.


5. Hooker Emerald Brooch


Although I giggle and laugh at the name of this as if I’m still in the fifth grade, the Brooch is a serious rock.

If one man gives this to another man, it’s a Bro’ch. Get it?

Discovered sometime in the 16th or 17th century, it was given to Sultan Abdul Hamid II, because who else would it have been given to back then? He sported it as a big gaudy belt buckle like a Texan at a hoedown.

Eventually in 1908 it was smuggled into Paris as part of the crown jewels, along with the Hope Diamond. All badass jewels stick together like that. The Sultan was scared the Young Turks were going to kick his ass, so he was hoping to sell the emerald on Ebay and make off like a bandit.

Of all the Sultan haters, Rod Stewart is at the front of the pack.

In 1911 it was auctioned off and the new proud owner was Tiffany & Co., who transformed it from a redneck symbol of pride to a tiara the likes of which had every five year old girl in the country clamoring for it.

Fast forward a few dozen decades and the tiara wasn’t selling. Tiffany & Co. realized they should have left it a belt buckle but decided to try something else, so they once again transformed the piece, this time into a brooch, and put it in their Christmas catalog. It still didn’t sell.

Finally in 1955 a philanthropic heiress bought the brooch for an undisclosed price, and as it turns out she was a Hooker. Apparently one who was very successful at her job.

She’s one classy Hooker.

Having no reason to hold onto it, Janet Annenberg Hooker decided to donate it to the Smithsonian in 1977, as well as a few more of her prized pieces and five million dollars. Back then the brooch was valued at $500,000. Today it is estimated to be worth several kajillion.


4. Devil’s Organ Pipes


If you’re ever wondering where the Devil is, you can find him in Northern Ireland. That is, if you don’t go to Hell first.

There in the land of alcohol is a natural wonder that looks like a giant baby dumped his building blocks and just never picked them up. What it actually happens to be, is a volcanic masterpiece, causing over 4000 basaltic columns of rocks to jut out of the land in the shape of an organ.

Lookit the sausage on THAT guy.

No, not that organ. Like the one you would see in a big fancy church, only without God because this is the Devil’s organ. Heh.

The Devil’s organ? Giggity.

Legend has it (because everything involving anything has to have a legend) the rocks were built by the Giant Fionn MacCumhail so that he could fight against the Scottish giant called Benandonner. That seems legit.

Benandonner lost the fight because, instead of building his own giant rock organ, he opted for a Starbucks franchise.


3. Pantuo Rock


On the outside, Pantuo Rock is just a rock standing precariously on another rock.

“Come back for my three o’clock show where I juggle three kittens.”

Holy shit, that’ll do. How is it just sitting there, looking all “I’m about to drop on your ass”? Well, it has for millions of years and it doesn’t plan on moving any time soon.

There are tons of rocks all over the world that do this very thing, and it’s amazing to wonder just how in the hell they do it. But they do, and I’m guessing it’s because of a little thing called “balance”.

The three symbols on the side of the rock are “Pan Tuo Shi”, which loosely translates to “large boulder sitting on the edge of killing you”, or at least that’s what I think it means. It was autographed by Hou Jigao, the famous anti-Japanese-pirates general in the Ming Dynasty. Yeah, that guy. Which makes me reconsider what the three symbols on the side of the rock actually mean.


2. Stone Mountain


Have you heard about that one big rock with the four Presidents heads carved into the side of it? This isn’t it. But it was done by the same guy who did Mount Rushmore.

“Heh heh, those guys are ‘stoned’. Heh, get it?”

Well, he started it anyway. Gutzon Borglon began working on this piece in 1916 but stopped in 1925, and nobody knows why. Two years later he began working on Mount Rushmore, so maybe he was just paid a higher amount of cash to do that than the previous work. Who knows.

The job was picked back up in 1963 by some other dude and was eventually finished in 1972. The work depicts the likenesses of Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee and Jefferson Davis, as well as their horses. It’s also done in the style of bas-relief and happens to be the largest of its kind in the world. A bas-relief sculpture is one that has less depth to the faces and figures than they actually have, when measured proportionately to scale. This technique retains the natural contours of the figures, and allows the work to be viewed from many different angles without distortion of the figures themselves. Neato, huh?

But they look so small.

Just to key you in on their size, the entire carving is 400 feet off the ground, so you have to really crane your neck just to get a good look at it. It’s 90 feet wide by 190 feet tall, never mind how many pixels that would be. To put that into perspective, the heads of the Presidents on Mount Rushmore are about 60 feet tall apiece.


1. Chained Rock


Before 1932, the people of Pineville, Kentucky had very little to do with their time other than come up with horrific things to tell their children with the hopes that the kids would fall asleep happy and leave the parents with plenty of time for moon-shining. *citation needed

Instead of the typical Grimm Fairy Tales, which only terrify kids until they fall asleep, the parents would often torture their kids for the entire night by telling them of a giant rock that sat one thousand feet above the town, and how it would ultimately come crashing down and destroy the entire place. The difference between the rock and the Grimm Fairy Tales was, the rock was actually there and could be seen from the town. The parents would guarantee the child’s safety by telling them that there was a huge chain bolted into the rock to keep it from tumbling down on top of them, ruining their chances at making their own moonshine once they turned 12.

In reality only most of the town would be destroyed.

The only problem was, there was no chain. It didn’t matter that the rock only appeared to be ready to fall and was actually very secure in its position on the hillside, there was no fucking chain. Essentially, the parents were lying to their kids. Believe it or not, parents have been lying to their kids for a long time now, which makes it okay for you to do.

“Don’t worry, when the rock crushes you, you won’t feel a thing. But your brother will, because he still wets the bed.”

The town decided one day in 1932 that it was time to change that, so they hauled a 1.5 ton, 101 foot chain up the hillside via a four-mule team to legitimately secure the rock to the hillside. This decision was made because the former lied-to children didn’t want to lie to their own children, and they needed some sort of reason for tourists to come to their sleepy little town. Apparently the moonshine wasn’t bringing them in like it had been before the Great Depression.

“You’re right, this is a LOT better than zip ties.”

So now if the rock decides to come loose and fall, it’ll just swing along the hillside like a giant pendulum of destruction, tearing out trees and other rocks which will fall on the town, still destroying it all. That’s a fair trade.

No matter the reason, nobody knows for sure why they actually put the chain on the rock, but one thing is for sure. Pineville is now the most visited town in Kentucky by the people who live there.

Y’all

I just learned how to use a semicolon appropriately, but for the sake of never wanting to ever use one again, ever, I’m not going to use one again, ever. Especially in this article.

I do, however, want to help you learn something new today. Maybe you already know this, in which case you are allowed to sleep through this lesson. For all the rest of you, listen up. I’m going to explain to you how to appropriately spell the contraction of the words “you” and “all”. I’m sure you can tell already what that is just by the name of this article. And if it confused you, then you are in the right place.

The contraction of course is “y’all”. And apparently I’m supposed to put the period before the quotation, but whatever, I’m not an English major. Let’s just stick with one lesson today, okay?

The reason for this is simple. When you contract two words, you use an apostrophe. This little guy, “‘”. Examples include, (do + not = don’t), (can + not = can’t) and the most important one, (isn’t + am + will + is + that + not = ain’t).

When you’re (you + are, write that down and fucking use it correctly) combining, or contracting “you” and “all” you are going to use that apostrophe to separate the words while shortening them to make the actual contraction. Now, this isn’t one of those times when the word was made and then we were forced to try and pronounce it. This was a word (like “ain’t”) that was made down in the sticks by slurring the words together and creating a new word that has finally made itself home in our dictionary (citation needed). The word came out as “y’all” and that’s what we got. You could spell it “ya’ll” except it’s wrong and you look like a moron. Even my spell check allows “y’all” but not “ya’ll”. The reason is because there’s no letter “a” in the word “you”.

Even THEY get it.

Yeah, even the folks in Florence, KY get it. And if THEY get it, then don’t you feel more like an ass? No offense to Florence, KY, but it IS fucking Florence, KY.

So remember folks, that apostrophe, at least in this case, is separating the words. It’s not just keeping the letter count even on both sides.

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Beefy Ecards: Twilight’s Over