|
|
Mar. 01, 2006 Yes people, it is the time for Lent. Possibly one of the dumbest things to ever happen behind maybe only Valentine's Day and President Bush, Lent is a whopping 40 days and 40 nights of retardedness. It starts with Ash Wednesday or Day Of Ashes, where people go to church and walk around all day with an ash marking of a cross on their forehead. "Why would sane people do this?" you may be asking. Well, let me tell you. Religious people, which I've already explained are morons, go to church on Ash Wednesday, and they pray and do a bunch of rediculous practices, and then the Priest burns palm fronds until they're ash, and then he marks a cross on your forehead with it. The Bible, which has had a ton of great ideas like some guy raises his hands and he splits a large body of water and another man builds by himself an enormous boat that carries tons of animals on it for ironically 40 days and nights without sinking, tells us that if you mark something on your head, it's a symbol of your ownership. So, people go get ashes marked on their forehead because they want to show they own the ashes. Actually it's supposed to signify they belong to Jesus Christ because he was strung up on a cross and the ashes are marked on the forehead in the shape of a cross. So technically if you wanted to show your ownership of this, then you should have a giant cross nailed to your forehead. However, religions and churches make things up as they go, which is obviously apparent in their teachings and rules and everything else they do, so ashes it is. Yet the people don't own the ashes, they belong to Jesus. It's all starting to not make sense, isn't it? I guess they have to give the ashes back when thursday rolls around. "But Beefy, I don't understand." Of course you don't. "Well, what is this Lent you speak of?" Good question faithful followers. Lent is bullshit. It's 40 days where you have to starve yourself to basically suffer like Jesus did on the cross. I think it's to show you can suffer for 40 days like Noah did on his boat with literally tons of animal shit for 40 days, but what do I know? I'm sorry. But what do I know besides everything? People are only allowed to eat one meal a day, and usually meat, fish, and sometimes eggs and dairy, are forbidden. In other words, you can't eat anything good. This is to show how you can be a complete tool. Some people may say, "But my church allows me to eat fish and eggs and dairy, and I'm only not allowed to eat meat on fridays." This brings me back to my point that religions make things up as they go. On Fridays during Lent when people aren't eating meat, I eat four times the amount of meat to counteract their lack of eating meat, and I strongly suggest everyone else does too. Start off with a nice slab of steak, followed up by a triple cheeseburger, and finish it off with a "blood of a lamb" milkshake. It's good, trust me. And what does this all lead up to? Easter Sunday. That's right. You starve youself for 40 days, just so you can hunt and find and eat chocolate eggs. What's that? Chocolate is dairy... hmmm... Another big part of Lent is to give up something you enjoy the rest of the year, so you are "suffering". This makes you a good faithful religious idiot. Some people give up alcohol, like Rhino did last year. He actually just gave up beer. Yeah, he continued to drink Jack Daniels. And Rhino's not even religious. Why'd he do it? His fiance is religious and she had to give up something, which was probably sex, unless he gave something up too. That's just what I think. Some people give up personal habits they may have, like gambling or child molesting or taking baths. Everyone seems to have a good time telling each other what they gave up. And usually a ton of people that claim to be religious yet never attend church and usually lead a life of sinning are the ones that decide to give something up. So, I decided to get in on the fun. I'm giving up giving things up. That's right. No more giving things up for me. At least not within the next 40 days. While working at the Pub earlier, I overheard a bunch of people talking about this. One guy claimed to be giving up losing at darts, because he's kind of known for that. So I played him a few games, and he then changed it to giving up playing darts. Because I beat that ass. Another guy said he's giving up work. I applaud him. The best part about all of that was, these people were in a bar in the middle of a weekday, drinking and telling tales of debauchery, and drinking. But they're all going to be religious enough to give something up for Lent. That's why this whole thing is a load of shit. It's a way for people to feel good about themselves for a little over a month, because for the rest of the year they do whatever the fuck they want and don't give two shits about it. No going to hell for me! I'm good for 40 days! I starved myself earlier by eating a humongous breakfast, fully equiped with eggs, bacon, sausage, grits, cereal, orange juice, toast, and steak. It's ok, it's not Friday. And to top it all off I took 4 sleeping pills so that I'll sleep the rest of the day and night, so that I won't even think about eating. Pills are ok to take, they're not on the list of things you're not allowed to eat. Not that it matters anyway because it changes from church to church, nevermind how it originated or anything. What you have here is a bunch of easily led assholes that take the gospel and make it their life. They study, and they worship, and they pray all the time. Day in, day out, for their entire lives. They're all trying to go to Heaven one day. They're nice to people, they drive slow on the road, and they don't tip when they go out to eat, because they put all of their money in the collection plate, which somehow gets you to Heaven faster. And all of this doesn't mean shit when it comes to Lent. Because when Lent comes, they have to prove their loyalty to the big JC by starving themselves, and marking ash crosses on their foreheads. Redundancy much? If they're going to prove their loyalty to Jesus during Lent by giving up things and starving themselves and getting dirty, then why bother being an idiot for the rest of the year? This is a huge circle because the answer is the same for both. "I go to church and I am good all year because I believe in Jesus and I want to go to Heaven." I ask, "Then why do Lent?" "Because I believe in Jesus and I want to go to Heaven." I ask, "Then why go to church all year and give all of your money to the church and live a boring life because you're not allowed to do anything?" "Because I believe in Jesus and I want to go to heaven." I ask, "Then why do Lent?" You see the pattern here? I hate not eating meat. |
Send me mail!