Category Archives: Awesome Animals

Animals that are awesome.

Awesome Animals: Uso Puffer Fish

This blog piece is brought to you by the soon to be famous underwater crop field circles being found in the ocean all over the world. Well, namely right around the coast of Amami Oshima, Japan.

Big deal. Looks like a sand castle made with the top of a plastic deli-tray container.

Yeah, so someone dove about 80 feet with a giant plastic lid and made themselves a nifty sandcastle.

ACTUALLY it’s the handiwork of this awesome little puffer fish.

This guy.

Recently, some awesome dude named Yoji Ookata, a professional underwater photographer, discovered this. He set up cameras and documented the little puffer fish making these Labyrinth’s Of Love, or LOL for short. You had no idea.

He swims around like a drunk lunatic having a seizure to make these cool patterns.

Some researchers did some researching and discovered that the fish, whom I named Uso since the original article I read had nothing on the actual name of this fish and I wanted to throw my own idea out there, does this to not only be a badass but to attract a mate.

After the scientists did some more studying, their findings also “showed that the grooves and ridges of the sculpture helped neutralize currents, protecting the eggs from being tossed around and potentially exposing them to predators.”

You see, once the Uso finds a mate, they totally do it in the very center of the circle and lay their eggs there. And then billions of years of evolution go to work in the form of sweeping the water and currents away from the eggs so that they won’t get carried away and served up as an omelette at some tiny IHOP for shrimp.

Since the circles actually reminded Yoji Ookata of crop circles, that reminded me of USO’s, or Unidentified Submerged Objects, basically underwater UFO’s. That’s where I got the name for the little guy. And if you follow Spanish formalities, the female would be an Usa, which is very patriotic.

Until next time, my hat’s off to you, Van Gogh of the sea.

All info and pics came from

Awesome Animals: Platypus

Sometimes I sit around thinking to myself, “what could be the most badass animal in the entire universe?” Not just the galaxy, mind you, the entire fucking universe.

Sometimes I think that maybe it’s the almighty Sloth. Maybe it could even be the Rat. How about a Killdeer? Maybe, just maybe, it’s the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

But no, my friends, it’s none of the above. It is, in fact, the Platypus.

Enjoying a swim after a days work, this guy dammed up the Nile River all by himself in just four hours. There are no more trees in Africa.

The fact of the matter is, the Platypus is the most badass ever. For instance, why are there no dinosaurs left? Because a Platypus came home from work one day pissed. That’s why.

Never mind the fact that every Platypus ever has earned a kuro obi in judo, the male Platypus is actually poisonous. If you take nothing away from this blog, take this with you.

The male is actually poisonous. They have these spurs on their hind legs which can inject anything with enough venom to kill a mongoose. In humans it just hurts like a bitch. But smaller animals and giant dinosaurs need to watch out.

Also, they are just one of five types of mammals on the planet that have bills. I have bills, but nobody gives a shit.

And in case you haven’t noticed, their tales are flat. This is so they can spank each other during naughty time.

Another amazing factoid about the Platypus is, they created Pilates. Notice the similarity in the names? That’s no coincidence. Since the Platypus is all about judo and being at one with the body, they also know a great deal about not only Pilates, but also Yoga. And Yoda. They are very into Star Wars.

Lastly, they are from in and around Australia, but many people don’t know that they also inhabit Mars. True story.

Awesome Animals: Sloth

My all-time favorite animal in the world is the Sloth.

No, not him.

Sloths come in several varieties, but the two main kinds are the three-toed and the two-toed. For many years I was a fan of the three-toed variety. Sloths are awesome creatures, because they’re lazy.

Chillin' like a villain.

Sloths only have three-toes, so naturally they move rather slow. How slow? So slow that algae grows on their fur. And sloths are so laid back that they don’t give a shit. The algae on their fur helps them to blend in to their surroundings, which is what helps keep predators at bay.

If they are attacked, these badasses come out of their shells and do some major ass kicking. They take those long claws they have and start slashing at their attacker, as well as biting and gnawing on them. They also let out a loud high-pitched girlie scream and they dance around like a fruit.

So just how laid back are they? They sleep for up to 20 hours a day, so they don’t even have time to give a shit about having algae on their fur.

Watch it closely. That's how fast it moves.

The time they are awake they spend eating and using the bathroom. Since it takes them forever to move anywhere, they use all four hours awake just trying to get to the john. I’m sure they eat on the way. Speaking of eating, they only eat things that move slower than they do, like leaves and fruit and gyros.

That reminds me of a joke. A three-toed sloth ordered pizza for delivery. But a two-toed sloth was delivering it. The three-toed sloth never got his food.

Yeah, so it wasn’t that good. But how many three-toed/two-toed sloth jokes do you know? One now! Bitch.

When I was a senior in high school I went to a museum in Chicago and discovered that there was a two-toed variety and my life changed forever. Two-toes? How can something that is so awesome with only three toes even manage to live with its awesomeness with one less toe?

It just does.

The biggest difference between the two types, aside from the number of digits they have, is the two-toed sloth hangs upside down more often than not. If I was that slow and lazy, I’d totally be upside down all the time.

Another awesome tidbit of info, the sloths have a hard time moving around on land, but if they get into water they can swim like Michael Phelps, only slower.

Personally, I’d love to have a sloth as a pet. Since they don’t do much of anything, I wouldn’t have to do much of anything to take care of it. Just make sure it has plenty of leaves and fruit to eat, and don’t piss it off so that it doesn’t unleash its Wolverine-esque onslaught.

As it turns out, three-toed sloths don’t do so well in captivity, but two-toed sloths do. They can live up to 20 years in your residence.

So now I’m off to go get myself a two-toed sloth to keep in my house. I’m sure they sell them at the local pet store. Just so long as the ones at the major chain store aren’t sold as feeders.

Awesome Animals: Rats

Since I’ve spoken with a lot of people over the years about pet rats, I’ve come to learn that almost everybody has no clue about much of anything, so I’ll start this piece off by saying rats are probably the coolest pet you could have. Yes, really. I say that because I know most, if not all of you read that and said to yourselves, “What?!” or “Really?!”

I’m not sure why it’s so hard to believe, although I understand it. Rats have gotten a bad wrap from their hick cousins the sewer rats. Sewer rats are disgusting, foul creatures who most definitely do not belong in your house. But the domesticated rat is, as I said, one of the coolest animals you could introduce not only to your house, but to your family as well.

Kid being mauled by his two rats. See how vicious they are?

I had my first rats several years ago and loved them dearly. Watching them play was well worth the purchase price. Sticking my hand in their cage and having them lick my hand to death was just icing on the cake. Having one sit on your shoulder and sniff your ear is classic.

They’re lovable to a fault, fun to watch, fun to play with (they will play with you) and they can be trained. While I’ve never trained my rats (we currently have three), it is possible. And if they get big enough you can walk them down the street with a leash.

With a harness and leash made just for that purpose.

Basically, a pet rat is like having a pet dog only they don’t bark. What’s not to love about that? All the benefits of a dog without the annoying barking.

I could go on and on about how awesome they are, but I won’t. I will tell you though that owning a pet rat is a commitment. They have to have clean living quarters. Yes, the biggest difference between sewer or wild rats and domesticated rats is hygiene. Domesticated rats are always cleaning themselves. They don’t like being dirty. So, for all of you naysayers, there’s another myth busted.

So you have to clean their cage all the time. Also, they need attention, and lots of it. My wife plays with our rats well over an hour a day, but it’s probably more like well over 2 hours a day. She’s always got them out on her desk, letting them run around and climb on her. I myself play with them occasionally, but not as often as she does. It doesn’t matter, they love me just the same. These rats are worse at licking hands than my first two were. They’ll soak your hand with love spit.

There are even rat competitions. Believe it or not, just like dog shows, rats are displayed, paraded, checked from head to toe and voted on to see which is the best of the best. Rats are even bred for this purpose, to be champions.

Now if you can handle having a rat in your house, and you want to get one, there’s one thing you should know. Never purchase your pet rats from a chain pet store. They don’t handle the rats like rats are supposed to be handled, in other words, for several hours a day. Plus, chances are very good, their “pet” rats were rats bred to be feeder rats for snakes. If you purchase a rat from one of these places, you’ll probably find they won’t live too long and in a lot of cases, they’ll be very lethargic. Lethargic rats do not make for good pets.

Instead, go online and find all of the other pet stores in your area, you know, the mom and pop type places. Call them and ask them if 1) they sell rats and 2) they handle them multiple times or for extended times every day. Or you can just ask them if they breed them to be pets or feeders. I’ve owned some from both mom and pop places who breed rats for pets and from chain locations who didn’t care what they were selling. There’s a huge difference.

And every time I tell them I want a rat as a pet, they thank me, because even those who raise rats to sell for pets know how special pet rats can be. Ask them, they probably own them too.

So, they can be trained, walked down the street, played with, loved on, and they don’t bark? Is there anything they can’t do?

Historically, rats have played instruments for years. We just didn't know until recently.

Amazing. If you’re looking for an awesome pet, you can’t go wrong with a rat. If you have the time for them, they’ll always have the time for you.

Awesome Animals: Killdeer

I’m not a bird watcher by any means, or even a big fan of birds, although I do find them to be a pretty cool animal. The one in particular that I like the most is the Killdeer.

For those of you who have never heard of the Killdeer, which is understandable, I’ll get into more detail about them. Chances are you’ve probably seen them and had no idea what they were. I didn’t actually know what a Killdeer was until I was 25 or so, even though I had seen them many times before.

Killdeer standing off against a mob of deer.

A Killdeer is an awesome bird that actually hangs out on the ground more than in the sky. They even lay their eggs on the ground, because quite frankly, they just don’t give a fuck.

And that, my friends, is why I like them enough to write a freakin’ blog piece about them. They just don’t give a fuck.

You see, a Killdeer is a good looking bird, looking almost like a small road runner, but even more so, their eggs are pretty cool looking, and the attitudes of these birds rocks.

Speaking of rocks, that’s how their eggs look. You see, if you’re going to lay your eggs on the ground, they have to look either like rocks or grass, so the birds opted for rocks because that’s how they roll.

Laying in a pile of rocks, these are almost invisible.

The most impressive thing about these birds is how they protect their eggs. If they see a predator coming a long, the Killdeer will act like it’s hurt with a broken wing, falling all over on the ground like a drunkard, flopping around and squawking as if it is injured. It will do this to lead the predator away from its nest. Once the predator is no longer a threat or is getting too close for comfort, the Killdeer then straightens itself out and flies away.

Now, the one thing you might be asking yourself, which I asked myself up until today, just why in the hell is it called a “Killdeer”? Some say it’s because of the call these birds make. However, after doing a bit of research I have discovered exactly why.

It’s because these birds can single-handedly take down a fully grown deer all on its own. Yes, the Killdeer is a psychopath.

This deer came within one mile of the Killdeer. You see what happened.

Don’t believe me? How many times have you seen a deer anywhere near a Killdeer? Exactly, you haven’t. That’s because deer are terrified of this small, innocent looking bird. And they should be. The Killdeer is the wolverine of the bird world. Never mind hawks and buzzards, the Killdeer’s are psycho.

Nobody knows where the Killdeer gets its homicidal rage from, or even why they hate deer so much. They leave most all other animals alone, but they really hate deer. My best guess is, one day many eons ago a deer was walking by a Killdeer’s home, saw a batch of freshly made cookies, and promptly stole one.

So remember, the next time you’re out and about and you see a Killdeer on the side of the road, do yourself a favor and do your best to not look like a deer, or the Killdeer will ruin your shit.

As far as the legitimacy of this info is concerned, don’t worry, you’re reading it on the internet, so of course it’s true.