Despite the fact that Facebook runs as well as a non-oiled machine, I just heard on the radio a commercial for something where they mentioned a bunch of statistics in it. One of them, and the only one I remembered, was that 60% of the U.S. population is on Facebook. I decided to look that up when I got home so that I could make an uninteresting blog piece about it. Here it is.
I looked up the info and found here that apparently 71% of the U.S. population is on Facebook. That’s a big difference, so I’m wondering who was wrong. Considering the site I got that info from is “AllFacebook.com,” I’m guessing they should know better than a fucking commercial on the radio.
With those numbers in place, that would mean that Facebook has a whopping 224,218,000 people on it just from the U.S. If you consider that number as residents, then Facebook would be the fifth largest country in the world.
I also sort of found that 71% of our population makes up basically everyone age 15 and older. Since I’m sure there aren’t 78 year olds on Facebook, then that means there are probably quite a few kids younger than 15 on Facebook.
So what does all this mean? It means that you just wasted your time reading this shit for no good reason. What’s worse is, I just wasted MY time finding it all out and writing this. And now WordPress has to give up the web space to host this post. HA! Joke’s on them.
Have you ever been to the theater to watch a movie and it was either so good or so bad that the audience reacted together in unison? I realize saying “together in unison” is sort of repeating myself, just play along.
I’m not talking about gasping or laughing. I’m talking about the movie was so good the audience gave it a round of applause or even a standing ovation at the end. Or it was so bad the audience got up and left at the same time before it was over.
Following my last post I had to watch Freddy vs. Jason because it’s been awhile since I last saw it and it reminded me of when I saw it in the theater, which brings up this post. There will probably be spoilers, but if you haven’t seen these movies yet it’s your own fault.
I’ve been to a lot of movies at the theater, none recently, and of all those times I can only remember two where the movies were so good the audience couldn’t help but applaud at the end.
The first was Batman back in 1989. Before Hollywood decided to put out a new superhero movie every other week for the last few years, we actually had to wait between superhero movies. Our wait was finally over when Michael Keaton slapped on a black rubber suit and showed us all just what a good fucking movie Batman could put out.
Those were the good ol’ days. Keaton as Batman worked, because he was a good Batman. Unlike that Bale fellow who sounded like he had laryngitis as Batman, Keaton dominated the role and made that movie his bitch. Let’s also not forget the stellar performance of the Joker by the legendary Jack mother fucking Nicholson. At least he didn’t kill himself after making the movie. All I’m saying is, if I had to be in a movie with Christian Bale ruining Batman that much, I would’ve killed myself too.
The movie was moving along awesomely, because it was an awesome fucking movie. I don’t recall blinking for 90 minutes because I didn’t want to miss even a nanosecond of it. And then it happened. One of the coolest things ever happens at 1:25 in the video.
When Batman soars up to the moon and uses the Batwing as a make-shift logo, the audience erupted in applause and cheer as if we were all on the street watching Batman take on the Joker first hand and we were giving Batman our approval. The air was electric. I had goosebumps running all over my body. It was awesome.
That electricity continued through the rest of the movie and when it was over, everyone jumped to their feet and applauded the movie. That was one of the coolest moments I’ve ever been apart of, at least as far as watching movies in a theater goes.
The second time it happened was back in 2003 on the first day of showing Freddy vs. Jason. I left work early and caught the very first show. I wasn’t alone, the audience was packed. To this day it was the most people I’ve ever seen at that particular theater for any movie. I’ve been to that place, a Showcase Cinemas, many times and even on Friday and Saturday nights for opening weekend blockbusters the place was always dead. But not on this day at 1 PM in the afternoon on a Friday.
Everyone and their mom showed up. Because like I said in the last piece, everyone had been wanting a Freddy vs. Jason since the dawning of time. And then it happened.
The two titans clashed and everyone was on the edge of their seats, watching with the utmost interest in what was going to happen. Who was going to win? More importantly, who was going to lose?
I’m a Freddy man. I have nothing but respect for Jason, I mean, he’s a total badass. But Freddy is the shit.
We watched and watched until finally the two juggernauts brought each other down blow by blow. And finally there had to be an end to the movie and this is what we got… the answer to our question. Who survived?
As soon as Jason emerged from the water carrying Freddy’s head, half of the place erupted with applause, obviously fans of Jason, while the other half, myself included, booed. That was total bullshit! Say it isn’t so! Freddy slain at the hands of the massive Jason?!
And then it happened, Freddy winks and laughs. The booing half of the audience erupted with cheers and the entire theater jumped up for a standing O. I get chills just thinking about it. Hell, I just rewatched the movie and then, while watching this clip I got chills again.
That’s what a good movie will do for you. Have there been any recently that have caused that sort of emotion from the audience? Have you experienced this in a theater?
Yeah, I get it. I’m fucking gone forever, I don’t post shit anymore, and this is what I happen to follow up winning an award and scantily clad pictures of Danielle Fishel. A picture from Google Maps. Woo.
My wife and I are looking for a place to move that’s closer to her work. We found this place up in Lebanon, OH that we kinda like, and for lack of anything better to do I routed out a few paths from there to her work and then did a street view to check out what all I’d be seeing on my daily trek to take her to work. I got to an intersection and discovered this. I kept waiting for the picture to fix itself but it never did. This is the picture.
Seconds later it transformed into Optimus Prime.
Sure, big fucking whoop, right? It’s not nearly as cool as the missing plane pic, or any of the people caught pissing in their yards or murdering chickens or whatever. But still, it’s my find dammit!
I just got another award. Well, this blog did. I just run it. Thanks to Twindaddy over at yonder Stuph Blog for doing the hooking up of awardness. Whatever that means.
This here award is much like my Unshitty Blog Award, only more epic. Check it.
Looks right at home here, doesn’t it?
That’s right, I’m epically awesome. Without further ado (cause you know it’s coming (giggity)) here is the load of work I gotta do to accept this here shiningly triumphant award of glorious epicness.
Tell 10 epic and/or awesome facts about yourself. That’s it.
Pass it on to 10 bloggers you think are awesome and/or epic–or both.
Man, this award IS epic! I don’t even have that much homework to do! Okay, let’s see if I can dig up 10 MORE epic facts about myself…
1. In the fifth grade I attended my parent/teacher conference alone. Only I showed up (the teacher was there naturally). Yup, neither of my parents could be bothered. And even though I was such a bad kid, I still did the mature thing and went to the damn conference.
2. I once worked with Twindaddy at the almighty Sara Lee. You know, “Nobody Doesn’t Like Sara Lee”? Well, I don’t like Sara Lee cause I’m not still working there.
3. With the help of a friend, I created The Drunkening, an all night drinking fest dedicated to getting the highest amount of alcohol in our blood before dying. It lasted 3 years before unofficially shutting down. It should be brought back. (The one party didn’t last three years, it only lasted a night. We had three of them.)
4. At one Drunkening I was attacked by a possum in my back yard. I punted it across a creek.
5. One time a kid was being babysat by the aforementioned friend while I was visiting. The kid was doing something and said to me, “I bet you can’t do that!” I responded with, “You’re right, cause it’s stupid.”
6. When I proposed to my wife we had just got her ring delivered in the mail. SHE had placed the order. Yep, she bought her own (and mine) wedding rings. Role reversal, bitch. However, I still got on my knee in the kitchen and asked her to marry me.
7. As a kid we owned a collie dog that was apparently a direct descendant of Lassie. She must have been from the retarded side of the family, because she was one of the dumbest dogs I’ve ever known.
8. I once had a baby duck as a pet.
9. I’m truly spent on these, I can’t think of anything else. I’ve answered so many of them in the past… ugh!
10. Sorry, no more.
Okay, I didn’t even make it through that. Thankfully there’s only one more step. Nominating other blogs for this award! So without further ado (again) here is a list of bloggers who I think should get this award because they rock in one way or another.
By the way, I don’t intentionally leave many people out from getting this award. I try to list those people who I know will give a shit about being nominated or who post regularly enough. So I’m not purposefully leaving anybody out, just so you know.
My (almost) life-long desire has finally been realized. While she’s not completely naked (or in my possession) it still counts. My dream woman, Danielle Fishel has posed scantily clad for the men’s magazine Maxim.
And she’s on the cover. What a glorious cover it is.
Now I know what you’re thinking. If you’re like me you’re only thinking one thing and that’s how much you’d like to jump into that picture with her and do nasty things to her. I’ve only thought that about her since I first saw her on Boy Meets World as “Topanga” which Urban Dictionary says means “beautiful or spectacular” among other things.
Without further ado, here are the rest of the pictures I could find that are worth looking at, which is all of them. You can click any of them for larger images, which of course why the hell wouldn’t you do that? The last picture is my favorite. Mmmm… Topanga… Sorry Megyn Price, you’ve been bumped off the top of my hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard-list and been replaced by Danielle. I’m sure you understand.
I’ve been given another award. I know, it’s redundant isn’t it? A blog as great as mine is bound to garner more attention and awards, and it does. It’s like, duh. Anyway, this here award was given to me by Twindaddy (surprise surprise) over at the Stuph™ Blog.
You crazy diamond.
Lucky me, there’s very little that I have to do to get this one. Although I do have to nominate 15 other bloggers and as we know, that probably just won’t happen. I mean, I nominate and nominate and they never accept. Ungrateful bastards. I guess I’ll continue to nominate. Maybe they’ll accept one day. Who cares.
1. Link back to the blogger who nominated you. √
2. Nominate fifteen bloggers who shine a little light in your day and be sure to notify them.
3. Share some facts about yourself or answer questions given to you.
Ok, to do number 3 first, I have to answer some questions Twindaddy gave. Here goes.
1. Who is your favorite comedian? Why?
Bill Burr. He’s fucking hysterical and the only newer comedian out now who gets me laughing like no other.
2. You try to silently let out a fart to relieve the pressure building up but, OOPS, it was a shart. What do you do now?
Go wipe.
3. Did you watch the Academy Awards? Why or why not?
No I did not. I have no desire to watch rich famous people suck each other off.
4. If you could have any person, alive or dead, guest post on your blog who would it be?
Tough one. Someone awesome, like Robin Williams or Bon Scott.
5. You’re just standing there, minding your own business, when suddenly you feel your pants fall down to your ankles. You’ve been pantsed. What do you do? How do you get back at the asshole that did it?
I don’t know anybody who’s immature enough to pull this off now, and I wear my pants tight enough that it wouldn’t be done easily, but if it happened I guess it happened. I don’t know what I’d do, I guess just pull my pants up and go on with my day. I’m not a jackass enough to go for revenge. That persons stupidity and immaturity are payback enough.
Ok, so that’s taken care of. Here are my nominations for the Shine On (you crazy diamond) award. You’ll get however many you get and that’s that. Here goes.
Well smack me with a salmon. I’ve been tagged. Twindaddy snuck up behind me, smacked me in the back of the head and laughed maniacally. I turned around to say “WTF?” and was literally going to say the letters instead of the words, but he was skipping away while still laughing. And since I’m a fat bastard I didn’t bother chasing him.
So here’s the deal. This is like if I had won an award only I didn’t win an award, but I still have a ton of shit to do. So here’s the rules.
1. Post these rules. (I’m fucking doing that!)
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you. (What’s with eleven? And why the stats? I’ve already done this to death.)
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them. (Ugh, of course.)
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged. (Maybe.)
It seems as if playing tag when I was a kid was a lot more fun than this and required less homework. Although it did involve running…
Here’s a picture of yours truly.
That’s actually a very good South Park rendition of me.
1. I once shook hands with Sgt. Slaughter.
2. I once danced with the devil in the pale moon light.
3. I’m currently cooking a Totino’s Supreme pizza for dinner. Yum.
4. I added mushrooms and hot pepper cheese to it. Extra yum.
5. I have two dogs. They’re both idiots.
6. The house I live in was built by my grandfather during the great depression. He paid the out of work people the best he could as well as fed them while they built the house.
7. I’ve been married three times, but only once. Figure that out.
8. I have no kids that I’m aware of. I might wind up on Maury one day.
9. Is this 11 yet?
10. Nope.
11. I have the same last name as Jake “The Snake” but I’m not addicted to crack.
Now for Twindaddy’s questions to me…
1. Dogs shouldn’t snore. Why the hell is my dog snoring? It happens. My min-pin snores. It’s cute.
2. Describe the most embarrassing moment you ever endured. Probably when I shit myself. Luckily nobody witnessed it, but it still sucked. I was at work when it happened.
3. My butt’s numb from sitting here for so long. Wait, that’s not a question. You have a wedgie. Do you take care of immediately or wait until no one will notice you taking care of it? Take care of it, period.
4. A coworker has some nasty body odor. How do you address the situation? Spray them with cologne and ask them if they like it.
5. You just farted. You are relieved that it wasn’t loud but it quickly becomes apparent that it was SBD. Do you blame the dog? I claim all my farts.
6. You don’t have a dog. Who do you blame now? Again, I claim all of my farts.
7. Who’s the most hilarious blogger you follow besides me? Rob Simple.
8. Some dude’s fly is down. Do you do the considerate thing and tell him or are you too embarrassed to say anything because you’d have to admit you were looking at his junk? Tell him, just like I’d want someone to tell me if mine was down.
9. What is the funniest movie EVAR?? Ouch, this is tough. Grandma’s Boy is pretty damned funny. I’ve seen it a million times and still laugh.
10. I got so drunk this one time that I actually…. Explained it here and here.
11. If you could be any species in that galaxy far away, which would it be (yes, I’m referring to Star Wars)? Wookie.
Now 11 new questions for those who I pick to answer. Uh…
1. Creamy mac n cheese or powder mac n cheese?
2. Snow or rain?
3. Thick crust or thin crust pizza?
4. Hamburger or cheeseburger?
5. Unleaded or premium?
6. Beer or liquor?
7. Green grass or high tides?
8. Paper books or e-books?
9. Dog or cat?
10. Car or truck?
11. Fly or drive?
Yeah, I sped through that. And now for some people for me to tag. BWA. BWAHA.
For all of my followers out there, I know you. You think I don’t, but I do. You love to read, you love beautiful women, and you love porn.
Okay, maybe I’m just talking about me. Regardless, I got something for you that a good friend of mine Rob showed me. Thank you Rob, I am forever grateful.
If you haven’t seen this yet you’re in for a neat treat. I think I’m in love with this girl Stoya. She’s gorgeous, has a great smile and she reads well. I’d love to listen to a book on tape if she’s reading it. Oh yeah, she has great orgasms too. Check out the video.
You can read her take on what happened on the site where I got this from, but the important thing is, she never was able to get off to a vibrator until she got an overwhelming nod to go with a certain brand. She used it in this experiment to see if she could read in front of a camera and people while she sat on this particular brand vibrator. What you see is what you get. I had hated sex, but now Stoya has brought me back.
I finally got on the ball and updated the site. I know I know, shove it.
I updated the Cracked page with all of my Photoplasties. I included a new second page which houses all of the past entries up to this point. I also updated a page I forgot I had, the Random Photoshops page with more of my random bullshit. Here’s some of them now.
Chewbacca’s reflection is ALF.
Sometimes I think I have too much time on my hands, and then I realize that I do. I do have too much time on my hands.
For years now I’ve had a website in one form or another and I’ve never though that I was very influential. Until things started happening, that is.
Because a lot of my work was lost when I lost my main website a few years ago I can’t share the exact pieces with you that I wrote, but I’ll give you a little insight as to what happened.
Twice now I’ve caught things I said in works by Maddox. Now, I’m sure he doesn’t need help writing anything, so it’s very coincidental that he use things I say in his own work. I see it as nothing else. But when The Simpsons use one of my ideas in one of their episodes, I started really wondering…
I once wrote an Editorial about how Cadillac sucks and how they use Rock songs in their commercials to promote their cars to a class that typically can’t afford them. I also brought up how stupid the idea is to have heaters and air conditioners that work differently for the driver and the passenger, to where the driver can have the heat blowing on them while the passenger can have the A/C blowing on them at the same time. I then made mention of the fact that the two extremes should cause a thunderstorm in the middle of the car.
Years later on The Simpsons they did that very joke, where Homer got a brand new luxury car and he and Bart created a thunderstorm in the middle of the car doing what I explained. I even contacted a lawyer about that one, but unfortunately there was no way to prove they actually got the idea from me. They fucking did.
Ironically I can’t find the clip anywhere.
So we move on to today. Almost a year ago to the day I wrote a piece here on a shoe that had a logo that looked like a sperm titled The Sperm Shoe. You don’t necessarily have to go read it, but the link is there for reference.
In it I described a newer shoe company called Gravity Defyer and I pointed out how their logo looked like a fucking sperm. I really made fun of the company for doing this.
Even the logo on the website showcased it.
We move on to today. I’m checking out Cracked.com’s new Photoplasty contests and they have one for noticing something in a logo or a picture that looks like something else. Once again I turn to the Gravity Defyer. I’m going to use their logo to point out, again, how it looks like sperm. I headed on over to their site to make sure they’re still around and look what I found.
Wow! It looks like they changed their logo! What company does that after only a year of having it? Maybe one who was keyed off by yours truly that their shit looked like man cum?
They even went so far as to change the logo used on all of their shoes. Yup, it was a universal decision to rid themselves of that man-spunk logo.
As I said before though, I wouldn’t mind trying these shoes out. They look comfortable and springy. However now that they have more than a few options for looks and a new logo, I’d definitely like to try them out. Since I’ve given them plenty of publicity (and helpful insight as to why they should change their logo, I did them a favor) I think they should send me a pair free. It’s the least they could do.
Hint hint G-Defy, I like the Men’s Galaxy ll (TB9005MNB), the blue Men’s NEXTA (TB9001MBU), the black Men’s Ali-U (TB9002MBS) or the Men’s Arigato (TB873T). Size 13 please.
