Category Archives: Bitching

I bitch a lot.

More Great Customer Service

Maybe I’ve hit the customer service karma wall and I’m now getting shit on in the customer service department because I bitch so much about horrible customer service. Can I say “customer service” ONE MORE TIME?

This story comes to us all the way from Snopes. For those of you who don’t know, Snopes is a website dedicated to giving us the truth on an internet so full of lies and bullshit. If you got an email saying someone wants to send you all of their Persian money directly to your bank account, chances are good you can look that shit up on Snopes to find out if it’s legit or not. I can tell you right now that it is not.

If you see a story online about how someone got diabetes from eating a porcupine roasted in garlic marshmallows, look it up on Snopes and see if it’s real or not. It’s a great resource, especially for debunking people on Facebook who love to post stuff that looks terrible, but isn’t true, simply because they’re gullible and didn’t think to look it up themselves. They just bought into it. I’m sure you got a few friends like that, I know I do.

Even though Snopes is awesome for looking up stuff and finding out if it’s true or not, just so you can rub it in the faces of the gullible on Facebook, some places like, in some instances, won’t allow you to use Snopes as a credible source for info when writing a piece for them. Yeah, I don’t get it either. If you can’t trust Snopes online, just who the hell CAN you trust?

Well, with all of that out of the way, I decided to look up an old internet favorite of mine, Tourette’s Guy. If you’ve never seen Tourette’s Guy, oh man. The shit cracks me up to no end.

There’s constant debate going on as to whether it’s all an act or if he’s really fucked up. I think he’s really fucked up, but not in the ways they claim he is. But still though, hysterical.

I did a search for Tourette’s Guy and found a page on the Snopes forum talking about whether it was legit or an act. I read through the posts and discovered it hadn’t been updated in quite a few years, so I thought I’d create an account there and add the new info to that particular post.

That’s it. That’s all I wanted to share with Snopes. I even debated with myself about creating an account for just that alone. My bad judgment got the better of me and I signed up. For one post to their forum. That’s it. That was on February 28th.

I got an email saying I had to click a link to validate my account so that I could be a member of their online community. I expected, and did it. Suddenly I was signed in to their forum and… I can’t post. No, because I have to wait until someone from the staff checks out my account to see if I’m real or some spam bot or whatever, and then sends me another email telling me my account is completely signed up and I can post stuff.

Since I really didn’t want to join the site that bad to begin with, and I only wanted to join to make ONE FUCKING POST, I decided that this was already more than I needed and instantly regretted my decision to join. I had to take more steps to join the forum than the posts I planned on posting on the forum.

I waited, and waited, and fucking waited. I waited until March 3rd when I sent them this email, saying basically what I just said, sans cussing.

Hi, I attempted to join the forum and I’ve been waiting on activation from Snopes in order to be able to post. I didn’t realize the process was going to take so long. I’m actually not someone who would post a lot in the forum, I only had one bit of info I wanted to share and that would have probably been it for me there. So since it’s taking so long to activate my account for basically nothing, don’t bother activating my account. Thanks anyway, and keep up the great work. I do love your site.

I mean really, I wasn’t mad. I’m still not mad. It’s just the principle, ya know? I already said how just the steps involved already wasn’t worth that one post I wanted to make. Those steps all happened on February 28th. I was done at that point. Completely disinterested.

But I get it, it’s my fault. I didn’t listen to myself, that good angel on my right shoulder telling me it wasn’t worth signing up, so don’t fucking do it. But I did it. So now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions.

To add a mark to the events, they didn’t respond to me until 10:32 PM, March 5th, when they told me my account was now activated and I can now post in their forum. It was all happy about it too.

Account approved at!

Their auto-reply is more happy about it than I am. Seriously, why have a contact us link and email address if nobody is going to read the emails sent to them? Now I have an account. So what am I going to do? I’m going to go and post that info and delete my account, which no doubt will be harder to do than just clicking a link. This is why I try not to sign up for shit.

I took a minute to go make that post. After I typed it all out I got a message that a moderator has to approve my post before it will show up. Holy shit. Now I know deleting my account is going to take for-fucking-ever.

Even later still, I went back to check to see if my only post had been posted and it had, and I had a response. So I decided to respond to that response. I figured that since I already had a moderator approve my first post that I should be good to go. NO! It turns out a moderator has to approve EVERY FUCKING POST YOU MAKE. So yeah, I’m done with Snopes. Hell, I was done with them just after signing up.

Delivery Tales: Bring Out The Dicks

This week my store is doing a pizza giveaway to bring in more customers and to get our name out to the masses. This is good on many levels, because we’ll get more business from it, we already have, and we’ll make more money from said business. Plus, 5000 customers are getting a free large pizza with whatever they want on it. The other day a guy used his free pizza coupon to get a large with every topping we had on it. That’s 24 toppings. The pizza weighed just under what I weigh, and it was a few inches thick. I’m sure one slice was a meal. Had he not used the coupon it would have cost $42, and we’re a relatively inexpensive company.

Naturally there are some side effects to this. While we gather a bunch of awesome new customers, we also deal with a lot of new assholes. This week I’ve had my share already, and it’s not a good week for me to begin with, so my buttons are being pushed. Last Friday I had to drop $1500 of money I don’t have to fix my car only to find out my brakes needed replaced, which I had done today for $800. That’s even more money I don’t have, and I still have about $1000 worth of work that needs to get done. So this week has sucked completely, yet I’m trying to keep my head up. The fact that I’m a team player and excellent at customer service is starting to not be enough to keep my asshole side from coming out and either telling these dick stains off or beating the fuck out of them. If ever there needed to be a real Miraculous Man, now would be the time.

With these free pizzas, customers can either pick up the pizza or have it delivered. Those who choose to have it delivered have to pay a delivery fee of $2. I was on the phone with one guy earlier this week and after he placed his order, for just the free large, I told him his total would be just $2 for delivery. He waited a brief moment and then said with a huff, “Fine.” Never mind that it says on the coupon that a delivery fee may apply. He obviously didn’t read that.

As luck would have it I had to take that delivery. I handed him the pizza and he handed me a five dollar bill… and wanted his three dollars back. I guess $2 is too much for a large pizza with whatever he wanted on it delivered hot and fresh directly to him.

I had one guy pay his $2 fee in a handful of change. Another driver had a customer pay in pennies, unrolled. Obviously a tip was not included.

Continue reading

Work At McDonald’s! Get Paid To Be An Asshole!

I love the internet and blogs. If it weren’t for them I’d be stuck calling businesses who pissed me off and yelling at management until I got free stuff snail mailed to me, like coupons and what not. I used to do that shit all the time back in the day, before I was able to get online. And most of the times I wouldn’t even let them send me shit. I’m not one of those people. All I want is for them to hire competent employees. Is that too much to ask? If you’re getting paid, do the fucking job. I don’t care how terrible the job is. If you’re accepting money for it, do the fucking job.

And let me tell you, customer service isn’t hard to get. Seriously. I fucking hate customer service because customers are idiots most of the time, but I’m fucking excellent at customer service. Because it’s not hard. And it pisses me off that I am considering how much I hate customers. It’s the best job for me and it blows.

Regardless, companies who hire morons need to hear about it. I was once an integral part in the closing of a Taco Bell, because I called not only their store, but their main HQ to complain about their shit. All of it. No matter how little or big. It got to be a game for me. Wanna fuck with my shit? I’m paying you for your service. If you cannot give me the service you were hired to give, uh, fuck you.

So now that I am online, I don’t have to call. No, I just come onto my blog here and bitch away. I find it’s much more soothing. Plus, I get to warn the tens of people who read this where not to go should they find themselves in the area. With that said, here we go.

I swear to whatever holy being you believe in that McDonald’s goes out of their way to hire the worst humans on the planet. Over the years I’ve had their employees, at many different locations, do something to piss me off for really no reason at all other than they’re idiots who value their own lives so little that they have to make everyone else suffer.

I thought I was used to it. I know what to expect at McDonald’s. Nothing good, and a lot of it. A place where their food containers give more of a shit about my experience than the mouth breathing employees they pay to work at their stores.

Recently my wife and I had an issue with one McDonald’s in particular that unfortunately we go to from time to time. We stopped in and ordered a couple of double cheeseburgers. That’s like, some of the simplest things they could make, right? How do you fuck up easy stuff? Leave it to them.

One of my wife’s double cheeseburgers had no meat on it. Someone made it and somehow forgot to put the main fucking ingredient on it. Her second burger had a long hair in it. I guess to make up for the lack of meat in the first one.

She called to complain and was told we should go see the manager when she got off of work and we would be given a free breakfast. More product. Fuck giving our money back, right? We were told to see the manager, Connie, and she would hook us up.

When we got there we asked to see the manager, Connie. It turned out to be an older woman who I’ve dealt with many times, and she’s always a delight to deal with, in the way an Imperial Siege Tank driving slowly back and forth through your ass would be.

Don't tense up. That'll only make it worse.

Don’t tense up. That’ll only make it worse.

Connie helped us, and as per usual it was reluctantly and seemed to be an absolute bother.

Well, this morning I stopped in to get breakfast. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but I knew what I was getting into. And hooray for me, she was working. Let me start at the beginning.

I pulled up to the drive-through speaker and placed my order. When I was done I then remembered I wanted a couple of cups of ranch for dipping whatever I had into it. You know, it helps the food go down. So I tacked that onto the order and I saw on the drive-through screen where the girl taking my order had put it on the order, although it only said ranch dipping sauce and the price showed 0.00. I knew that wasn’t right, because they’re 25 cents a piece. I pulled around and paid at the first window, then I pulled up to the second window and discovered Connie there. Yay.

This is a woman who, one night, apologized for the long delay in getting my order to me. Fourteen minutes, actually. She said it was because she had to make fresh fries. Apparently growing the potato was the first step. I would have taken old fries.

After just a moment she finally opens the window with my bag in her hand, hands it to me rather quickly and then starts to close the window before I can even think to say anything. I finally caught her and asked her for some ketchup. Her body language showed me she had a gun to her head all night and my request for ketchup had just helped her decide to pull the trigger. Oh man, I’m sure she wished death upon my unborn children.

When she turned to get the ketchup I searched my bags contents for the ranch and found none. When she opened the window again to hand me the ketchup I then said how I’d like two cups of ranch. She looked away from me and said “I’m going to have to charge you for them.”

No shit. NO FUCKING SHIT. Thank you for telling me, I was unaware that I had to pay for product from a business. Especially one hellbent on making all the money.

I responded with, “Yeah, that’s fine, but I had ordered it and I saw it on the screen back there…” and before I was done saying that she cut me off and said, “Yes, but she didn’t charge you for it.”

Oh? So you saw it on the order. You know I ordered it. You must know I wanted it just by that fact alone. Yet when you handed me the bag you were intent on closing that window and going about your business without saying anything to me about the ranch. You were going to let me leave and go to my destination only to discover what I ordered wasn’t in the bag. Instead of saying, “Hey, I know you wanted ranch but she didn’t charge you for it. If you’d still like the ranch it will cost 25 cents per cup.” She could have even said, “I didn’t put your ranch in there because she didn’t charge you. Would you still like it? It will only be 50 cents.”

The entire problem here isn’t that I didn’t pay for it, it’s that HER EMPLOYEE didn’t charge me for it. She put it on the order. My job at that point was done. Her employee fucked up, not me.

“Yes, but she didn’t charge you for it.”

I responded with, “I understand that but I still want the ranch, that’s why I ordered it. I’ll pay for it.” Holy shit, she emptied the clip. She turned around and got the ranch and when she came back to the window she opened it and handed me the ranch without looking at me. I gave her a dollar bill and sped off. Thank god we went through all of that shit. Now their location won’t close and they can pay their utility bills. And since I paid double for the ranch, maybe they’ll be able to put some away for a rainy day.

I know some people say how you don’t know everybody’s story. You don’t know what made them that way. Maybe they had a horrible life. Maybe they just had a horrible day. Well, I fucking hope so. Let’s not forget she’s apparently a manager. And I don’t care how horrible your life is, don’t take it out on those not responsible for it. I didn’t make your life suck so much that you had to work at a McDonald’s in your old age. Don’t take it out on me.

McDonald’s, I had it with your shit many years ago. I truly don’t want to eat at your stores any more than your employees want to do their jobs or give decent customer service. But you know what? Unfortunately I’ll keep eating at your stores, so unfortunately you’ll have to attempt decent customer service. Lucky for me you have a store on every corner, so I can just pick and choose until I find which ones I’ll suffer at the least.

PS – When your Brentwood, OH location burned down I laughed. And dammit all, you rebuilt that fucker.

PPS – Come to think of it, pretty much every fast food place on that road sucks. Waffle House is your best bet. Seriously.

I Saved Money On This Blog Post

My wife and I were on our way home when she mentioned she wanted to stop at Walgreens for some stuff. We were about to be near a CVS before the Walgreens so I said something about stopping there instead. She said no, because she doesn’t like CVS and prefers Walgreens. I’m the same way. In my head I thought about why I liked Walgreens over CVS. For one, they don’t have a shoppers card. That’s a huge bonus for me. I can’t stand those fucking things.

We stopped and did our shopping. We reached the register and the cashier asked us if we had their shoppers card. I literally said, “Son. Of. A. Bitch.”

All the stores have them now. All of them. And their purpose is simple. When you get one you give them all of your info. Your name, address, phone number, email address. They store your info in a huge database with all of the other info from all of the other shoppers. The stores then discount certain products for card holders specifically, so that when you shop you have to use the card. When you use the card, the store sees just what it is you came to them for. So now they not only know what you like to buy, but how much you buy it and where you bought it. So whatever money they lost on giving you a little savings pays for itself by all of the data they collected from you, which will help them to market their products to not just you, but everybody else who bought that item and used their savings card.

I don’t know why some pussy would post a video of Bill Burr censored, but whatever. He says “fuck” a lot, and why not? He’s talking about stuff that pisses him off. It’s hard to convey anger when you don’t cuss. And not cussing p!$$#s me the f#&k off.

Before the savings card came out you would sometimes get asked for a phone number. Some stores still do that, or ask for your zip code. They’re basically trying to figure out where all of their shoppers come from. If they get enough people from one area, they might open a store there. That’s fine and good. My problem is exclusively with the savings card.

If everybody has one, that makes the card pretty much pointless on a savings level, doesn’t it? You’d think the general population would have figured this out by now, but since the general population is a bunch of fucking sheep I can see why we as a people still allow this shit to go on.

Ever since the current depression started stores obviously started losing business. They had to figure out a way to continue getting customers and making money, so they started having sales. Restaurants started putting more on their dollar menus, or creating dollar menus if they didn’t have one before. Some pizza places around here created half orders of things so that you could get what you used to love, but for less.

Grocery stores decided to give you a little plastic card that would help you save more money from their “already low everyday low prices.” Well if their prices are so fucking low already, why would they want to help you save even more to the point of anger?

True story. I stopped in a grocery store just a couple of years ago to pick something up for my boss at the time. This is when I worked in a butcher shop and we were making something that called for celery, yet we were out. So I went to the store. This particular store isn’t one I shop at ever, since there isn’t one near me. Even if there was I wouldn’t shop at it because they suck. It had been something but changed to a Main Street Market, and when I made this particular visit it was right after the change over.

When I went to the register with my celery the lady at the register asked me if I had their shoppers card. I said no. She asked me if I wanted one. I said no. She rolled her eyes, huffed, and walked away. She went to the customer service desk, dug around, found the managers card, brought it back to her register and scanned it for me. She had an attitude the rest of the time I was there, which wasn’t long. That was the last time I ever shopped there out of lack of necessity. So for one, getting a shoppers card for there would have been pointless on my behalf, and two, fuck her. What is she, the owner of the corporation? What is she doing running a register in Fairfield, OH on Patterson? They can’t be THAT short staffed. Otherwise and more likely, if she’s just a cashier, why the fuck did she care that much? Why did it ruin her day?

And what is the big deal if I saved that extra money? The store wanted to not make money that badly? They can’t possibly want to make less money. And by her using the managers card, it told her nothing about me or my shopping habits, even though my shopping habits at that point, and to this day, was one bag of celery. But it was that fucking important that a savings card be scanned. It was that important that I spend less money. It ruined her day, and I’m glad it did. Fuck her.

Also, fuck every major chain store. Fuck them. Walmart doesn’t have a savings card because they’ve overrun the world with their stores and their products, so they don’t need to have one. Everyone else though can suck a fat one. I’m so fucking sick of this shit.

Everything is on sale, all the time. You know what? I want to pay regular price again. If everything is on sale all the time, then those are the regular prices, thus making everything not on sale. Are you understanding what I’m saying? If everything is on sale all the time, then there’s no reason to have a regular price anymore. And if there’s no need for a regular price and the only price is the sale price, then the sale price turns into the regular price, thus making everything not on sale, just cheaper than it used to be.

I’m so sick of bargains and sales and savings cards. I want to shop at a mom and pop store and pay regular price. Not just to support them and their business, but because I feel dirty now. I feel cheap.

I went to a UDF last summer when they introduced their new savings card. UDF, for those of you who don’t live in Cincinnati (up until recently I thought they were a national chain, but I was wrong) UDF stands for United Dairy Farmers and they specialize in, ahem, dairy. Milk and ice cream specifically. They’re a hot spot for ice cream related products. I like them. They have a peanut butter milk shake that I’d slaughter babies for. But now they sell gas at most locations (and have for a while) and even more, they now have a savings card.

When they started advertising their card they said, “Never pay full price for gas again!” Thanks, but I haven’t for a long time. Because you’re late to the party, other gas stations already do this. I shop at Kroger and use my savings card. When I get enough points, I use my card at their gas station to save money at the pump. Or I can use it at another gas station company to save money at the pump. Or I can shop at another grocery store and use their savings card to earn points to save money at yet another gas station.

Are the oil companies aware of this shit?

Are the oil companies aware of this shit?

But it was when I saw that, their advertisement saying I should never pay full price for gas again, that pissed me off. Why? What’s so wrong with paying full price? We used to do it all the time not that fucking long ago. And it was no big deal. Because, as you’re well aware, when you want something you have to pay for it. There’s no shame in that. That’s how things have worked for many many years.

If a store really truly wants you to save money by shopping with them, they’ll lower their prices, no savings card needed. Even then they still didn’t lose money. If they dropped the price of cereal by ten cents a box, somewhere across the store they’d raise the price of malted milk balls by ten cents a box. They still made their money. But hopefully by you coming in to save money on the cereal, you did the rest of your shopping there thus giving them your full business.

Nobody takes less money for something on purpose, unless you go to some vendor and haggle the price down. If you go to buy a new car and talk them down in price, they might come down a little, but only because the price they SHOULD be selling the car for is what they’ll finally give you, not because they’re nice and decided to make less money on it.

Do you get it? They’re not here to help us out, they’re here to swindle the shit out of us. And they’re doing it under the guise of giving us more savings. Ever wonder why your favorite store continues to grow and build new locations if they’re making less money? Oh, they’re making their money. You might be spending less, but you’re losing something else by continuously falling for their shit. Your soul and your dignity. But I’m sure you parted with those years ago.

As for me, fuck them all. I can’t do it. The worst part about the Walgreens experience was, my wife decided to take the fucking card and then when she had to give the information, she gave MY information. Now my name and phone number are associated with the card. Awesome. And we didn’t even save money on our purchase today. Isn’t that just a swift kick in the balls?

I have more shoppers discount savings cards in my wallet than I have money. Kroger, Subway, Speedway, UDF, Walgreens, CVS… When will it end? Will we ever pay full price again? I’m kind of sick of saving money.

Beefy Ecards: Y U NO WORK FACEBOOK?!?!

I just saw my Facebook Movie, this thing Facebook slapped together for everybody because they’ve been around for 10 years and it’s big news.

Facebook Turns 10
Tuesday, February 4th, 2014

Facebook, the popular social networking site, turns ten years old today.

“It’s big news.” – Myspace

Here’s the one they made for me.


Ingrown Toenail Laser Surgery

Since I’m all about helping others, I thought I’d write this to maybe help you decide on a procedure for your ingrown toenail, should you have one and need to have it removed.

Roughly 10 years ago I noticed I had an ingrown toenail problem on both of my big toes. The one on my left foot hurt more than the one on my right, so I figured I’d have it taken care of first. At that time I had insurance through my job and I had a family doctor, so naturally I went to him with the issue first.

He offered laser surgery. He explained that he would cut out the part of the nail giving me the problem and then he’d take a laser and burn the area affected by the ingrown part of the nail so that the nail would never grow back there again. That sounded fucking awesome to me, since I never wanted to deal with that pain again. So I signed up and he went to work.

I took my shoe and sock off and laid down on the table. He told me I should probably take my belt off and bite into it because it was going to hurt. I told him I wasn’t a pussy and didn’t need all that. He laughed and said I had never experienced pain before this and went ahead with the procedure.

He injected my toe with Novocaine and waited for it to set in. Then he started to cut nail. I felt every bit of it and informed him of it, so he shot me up again. This time the needle hit a nerve or something and it hurt a lot. I actually wound up feeling that shot for a few weeks until it finally healed itself. Nothing could be done about that, it just happened, but know that it could happen to you as well. However, the Novocaine worked this time around and as he was cutting the nail I didn’t feel anything.

I’m not sure if it was the removal of the nail or the laser part that hurt the most, but there was significant pain. I can only imagine how it would have hurt if I had no Novocaine at all. Turns out, I’m a pussy. That shit hurt. But I got through it, he wrapped it up and wrote me a prescription for Vicodin. He then told me to go to the pharmacy and fill the prescription before going home, as the Novocaine would wear off in 15 minutes or so and I’d start to feel the pain.

I went to the pharmacy and put in the prescription. As I sat there waiting for it to be filled, the Novocaine started wearing off and the pain came in a tidal wave of horror. I made it home and took my first Vicodin. By the way, he prescribed me 6 pills. I quickly found out that Vicodin doesn’t work for me. A buddy of mine happened to stop by that day to keep me company, since I couldn’t walk after the pain set in, and in the hour or two he was there he saw me pop every Vicodin with no comfort from the pain at all. I wound up taking several Advil on top of the Vicodin and eventually I got a little bit of relief from the pain, but not much. Later, alcohol and weed helped me to not care that I hurt, but nothing killed the pain. There’s tip number 2 for you: be prepared for a shit-ton of pain.

After a week or so the pain finally went away completely, and I was able to live life without pain in my toe for the first time in a long time. No ingrown nail, just smooth sailing. Before I could get the one done on my right big toe, I lost that job and my insurance and to this day still have the ingrown nail. Which is fine with me, because had I known then what I know now, I would have never had the laser procedure done at all. Here’s why.

Over time the nail on my left big toe has warped. You see, the laser burned the area where the ingrown part grew so that it couldn’t grow there anymore. That, however, didn’t keep the nail from growing. Without being able to grow where it normally, and naturally did, it continued to grow just to the side of the burned area. Over the last 10 years it grew warped and now it isn’t just warped but it hurts. Worse than the ingrown nail did. A lot worse.

My toe throbs now all the time. Just the pressure of having a sock over that nail is enough to keep me in pain until the sock is removed. Wearing shoes sucks. Standing sucks. Having this toe sucks. I never realized just how much I kick things accidentally while walking until recently. You see, only in the last 6 months or so has it actually started hurting.

I attribute the pain to the nail growing more in a dome shape than the natural flat way and squeezing the sensitive area of skin underneath it to the point of pain. There’s no discoloration of the toe but the nail is now yellow, so to look at it, it doesn’t look like it hurts or is even misshapen unless you give it a quick side-by-side comparison to the nail on my right toe…


Because it’s growing up into a folded dome shape, it also makes it extremely hard to trim, so when it grows out from the toe as nails do, it rubs more on the inside of my shoes and bumps harder against stuff when I’m walking. I’m always in pain and I don’t know what can be done for it, especially since I no longer have insurance, or a doctor, or even money. I’m pretty much left with the pain and a fucked up toenail.


The above picture is looking straight at the nail, obviously. It’s solid, as it has grown together, making it near impossible to trim.

The nail on my right foot’s big toe is ingrown and hurts, but nowhere near the pain of the left nail, so I hardly notice it. And I don’t care that it hurts, because now I know to just deal with the pain and not get laser surgery on it, too.

UPDATE: Before I posted this I trimmed up the messed up nail a lot and discovered that the ingrown side is no longer ingrown, as I’ve said, but it has pushed the nail toward the other side and now it is ingrown on that side. When I trimmed the nail I clipped off the ingrown part myself and after the initial pain went away, my toe has been basically painless. The nail is still yellow and growing goofy, but it doesn’t hurt anymore, which is fucking amazing at this point. Still though, be warned. This procedure could screw up and do to you what it did to me.

Crazy Bitch

I started delivering pizza for the company I work for back in July of 2013. As of right now roughly five and a half months ago. When I first started working there I also started going into the Speedway gas station near the shop, mostly because I work third and it’s one of the few places open around there, and also because that’s typically the only brand of gas I’ll buy anyway. So when I first started going in there, I noticed this woman who works there. When I got back to the shop I mentioned how she was really attractive. She’s short, nice body, long straight red hair and she’s pretty. My boss told me he had been talking to her and they were supposed to date.

A little while later I find out they had gone on a date and that was that. Everything went fine and they may or may not see each other again. That was basically what my boss told me. And nothing more was said.

I went into work a couple nights later and was told by several employees that on one of the nights I wasn’t there, she came into the store and stood at the front counter, just staring at my boss. He’d ask her if she needed anything and she’d say no. So he would go back to work and she would just stand there staring. For almost an hour. Apparently at some point she asked him to return her belt and he said he never had her belt and knew nothing about a belt.

Suddenly they look around and she’s gone from the lobby, but she’s now in her car parked right in front of the store, and she’s staring at him from her car. For something like three hours.

And then she’s gone. Nobody saw her leave, but her car was still there and it stayed there over night. The next day it was just gone and nobody saw who came to get it.

A few days later I stopped in to that Speedway and saw this older man there and he asked me if my boss still worked at the shop because he hadn’t seen him in a while. This guy apparently wasn’t aware that my boss is the owner of the store. So he begins to tell me the stuff that she told him, and of course he’s buying into it because he’s obviously going to take her side, and he’s only getting her side of the story anyway.

He tells me that they had gone out to eat at some sports bar restaurant type place nearby and were having dinner and some drinks together. She got up to go to the bathroom and when she came back she caught him masturbating under the table and filming it with his cell phone.

I just stared at the man telling me this. Seriously? He heard her tell him this and he bought it all? Lapped it right up, just like a loyal dog.

He then asks me if I had seen the video. I asked him if he meant the video on the phone of my boss masturbating. I said no, there was no video that anybody at the store had heard of, and the man got a sly grin on his face. I then mentioned how at that point I had only been there a month and I really didn’t know anybody there that well, but I seriously doubted that happened. His sly grin grew. I then told him what I had heard, about her standing in the lobby and then sitting in her car for hours on end. He asked me if I witnessed it. I said I had not, but several employees had, and there is footage of it because we have about eight cameras in the store that record 24/7 and at least two of them caught her pulling her crazy shit. His grin faded.

The next night at work I told everybody what happened and we laughed and had a good time. My boss said they had gone to the place, had dinner and some drinks, and then they went home and that was it. That was the date. I bought it a little more than her story.

All of this happened near the end of August, 2013.

Towards the end of September I went in and heard directly from her that she was pregnant with my boss’s baby. She said that she was going to work less at Speedway and pick up more hours at her other job as a waitress, because they were more flexible with her hours, and she would need them to be for all of the new mother/doctor stuff she’d be doing in the near future. I congratulated her, just playing along, and went on my way.

I told my boss and the other employees this and we all laughed. We all wondered how it happened since they never had sex. Maybe, it was suggested, while masturbating at the table, when he came it shot across the underside of the table and right up into her and she got pregnant that way.

A few days later I was at another station up the road a couple miles from the crazy store. I spoke with a manager there and he knew exactly who I was talking about. He told me that apparently she was telling others that she was pregnant, but that the father could be one of three men and that she was going to have a test done to figure out who it was.

And then I saw her once or twice the following week, and then she was gone. It seemed a whole new crew came in, because I no longer saw the old man there either. They both disappeared at the same time. I had all but forgotten about her when just this very last night I went in and there she was. Just as thin and attractive and psycho as she was before.

Me: Hey, a familiar face! Welcome back stranger!
Her: Thanks! I was on maternity leave.

I froze in my tracks and just stared at her. My mind quickly raced as I tried to figure out just when it had last been that I saw her. Had it been nine months already? There’s no fucking way. I had only been working at that pizza place since July and that sure wasn’t nine fucking months ago…

Her: YAY! I’m skinny again!

It really sank in then. It HADN’T been nine months and she not only gestated, but gave birth AND lost the weight. In what… three months?!

Unbelievable. What a crazy fucking bitch. I had also heard at some point during all of that, that she was apparently the mother of six children already. Regardless if that number is true, I’m sure she has at least one or two kids. She talks about them all the time.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt and saying she’s given birth at least once in her life, even though she’s obviously got a few screws lose, even she should know that it takes nine months to have a baby. Maybe eight. Maybe ten. But to have a living baby in just…

Woah… did she get an abortion?

I also heard she has had quite a few of those over the years as well. Damn.

What a crazy fucking bitch of a bitch. That’s ok, now that I know she’s back I know I can stop going there again. No problem. And I suggest all of you do, too. Just stop going to that location. Who knows… you might walk by her and get her pregnant. It’s cool though, she’ll just go kill it a couple months later. She’s got an open tab at the clinic, she’ll be fine.

Wendy’s Is A Pile Of Shit

I know fast food isn’t good for anybody. It is what it is, cheap(ish) food fast(ish). I’ve had problems with every kind of fast food place, especially around here, from Burger King to McDonald’s to Taco Bell. Well, let’s add another to the list. Wendy’s (as if you couldn’t tell from the name of this blog) is a heaping pile of flaming shit.

We have one location very near our house, at 8240 Vine Street in Hartwell, Cincinnati, OH. Like, I could walk there in five minutes. If there wasn’t a grocery store at the end of my street, I could see the Wendy’s from my porch. My wife and I spend a lot of money there, because they’re right there and open late. Since we both work third shift, they’re one of few places open where we can grab a quick bite to eat before work. We could go to White Castle or Taco Bell or McDonald’s, but fuck those places. Well, fuck Wendy’s, too.

I don’t know where we’re going to get food from now, if anywhere. Maybe this is a sign that we should stop eating fast food all together and start packing our own food.

Here’s what happened. For starters, this particular Wendy’s has a history of sucking. I’ve been going to it my entire life. Before my wife and I lived in this house my grandmother did, so if I was going to visit her with my mom, sometimes we’d stop at that Wendy’s and grab some sandwiches for our visit. I can remember when I was a kid my mom would be complaining that they screwed something up. And now they do it so much it’s almost like they’re required to by the company to meet monthly quotas. I literally think their managers get weekly bonuses for fucking peoples orders up.

My wife likes to order their Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, except she likes to add tomatoes and pickles to the sandwiches. Never mind the tomatoes for a minute, which is a recent addition to the sandwiches, since we’ve been going there and she’s been getting the JBC, she’s been adding pickles. She loves Wendy’s pickles, so she has them add extra pickles. The first time we asked for extra pickles the lady taking our order said, “They don’t come with pickles.” My exact response was, “So add pickles, and then put extra on them.” Is it that fucking hard to figure out? Holy shit.

Ever since then we’ve had issues getting a thing as simple as pickles added to the JBC. For a time we’d ask for them on the side, and that worked well for a while. We’d actually get them.

Recently I looked at the back of a receipt and found that if I went to their website and submitted feedback I could get $2 off a large sandwich on my next visit, so that’s what I did. They have a new sandwich out now, the Bacon Portabella Melt, which I can’t lie, is very fucking tasty.

This is not an ad. Wendy's does not sponsor me or my opinion.

This is not an ad. Wendy’s does not sponsor me or my opinion.

No, I won’t lie about the sandwich, which is what Wendy’s does. The mushrooms they use are not Portabella mushrooms. Side note, those mushrooms are typically spelled “Portobello,” but who gives a shit? Anyway, the mushrooms they use are regular fuck off mushrooms that can be purchased in a can at your local grocery store for less than a dollar.

This small can typically costs 75 cents or less.

This small can typically costs 75 cents or less.

I buy those mushrooms all the time. They’re good for cheapy mushrooms. And they taste exactly like those mushrooms on that Wendy’s sandwich. For those of you who don’t eat mushrooms or have never had Portobello mushrooms, Portobello mushrooms have a very distinct taste. They’re delicious, and they taste nothing like those regular mushrooms in a can. And the mushrooms on the burger at Wendy’s taste nothing like Portobello, nor do they share the size of Portobello mushrooms. You can see in the picture above that is the case. One Portobello mushroom is typically bigger than that entire can of mushrooms from Kroger.

Anyway, I decided I’d do the survey and get $2 off one of those sandwiches, because those sandwiches are awesome. I told Wendy’s everything I just said, about how we eat there upwards of three to four times a week and how we have issues getting our orders right. I got my $2 off code to write on the back of the receipt and I was happy. I had voiced my opinion directly to them (via their website that is probably run by some Asians in Spain) and I could sleep better.

Here’s a quick rundown of recent problems at this particular location, never mind the pickle problem.

- I once got the sandwich minus bacon because I am not a huge fan of bacon. Fuck the internet and memes, bacon is not the greatest thing ever. I returned home to find only about three of those little mushroom pieces on my burger. At least it didn’t have bacon on it.
-Another time I ordered a double of that sandwich, with no bacon. I got home to find I had a single. I took it back to them to correct. They gave me a double, with bacon. (Both fuck ups here were done by a manager.)
-I took my $2 off coupon to them and got the sandwich in a combo. They wouldn’t accept the coupon because it’s only good on a sandwich, not a combo. Make sense? Of course it fucking doesn’t, because they ring up the sandwich and the combo separately.

Tonight we asked for 2 JBC with tomato and pickle added. The screen immediately showed:


This isn’t the first time that has happened. I said to the man with a heavy sigh that we wanted everything on the sandwich, we were just ADDING (said with extreme emphasis) tomato and pickle. He said, “Oh, ok.”

We got the order and discovered the sandwiches had only tomato and pickle. We then drove up to where my wife works and there’s a Wendy’s there at 5490 Beach Blvd, Mason, OH, right across the street from that shitty ass Burger King I linked to above. We stopped in to get her a drink and some packets of mayo for her burgers. The small drink came up on the screen as costing $1.48. With tax it was $1.60 or something. When we got to the window the girl said the total was $1.90. I handed her $2 and she gave me back fifteen cents. True story.

When I got home I went to Wendy’s website and sent another message directly to their Mexican Asians. This is exactly what I sent them.

I wrote to you recently and told you how this particular location almost never gets our orders right. I told you how my wife and I spend a lot of our money there. Well, we’re done. We’ll find somewhere else to go. I’m so sick of the bare minimum competency held by the employees there. My wife gets the same thing there, every time. Two Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, and we add tomato and pickles.

When we first started ordering pickles on the burgers, she wanted extra pickles on them because she loves your pickles. The first time I told them I wanted extra pickles on the burgers the lady said, “They don’t come with pickles.” Is it that hard to figure out that I’d like to ADD pickles to the sandwiches so that there are extra pickles on them? We’d pay for them if there was a charge, just get it right.

Then we had to start asking for the pickles on the side just to make sure we got them. Just because we said we wanted to add pickles to the burgers didn’t always mean we’d get pickles on them.

This fiasco happened almost every time we ordered this order, which was three to four times a week. And then we started getting a new problem. I’d order the sandwiches, say I wanted tomato and pickles ADDED, and they’d put on the order which we could see on the screen at the drive through “ONLY.” I’ve told them time and time again that we didn’t just want those two things on the burgers, we wanted everything that came on the burgers including the tomatoes and pickles. Sometimes they’d get it right, most of the time they wouldn’t. Tonight was one of the times when they didn’t get it right. When I saw the “ONLY” I once again said that we wanted everything else on the burgers too. The guy said, “Oh, okay.” We got our order and SURPRISE! Just tomatoes and pickles on the burgers.

It can’t be rocket science to work there and to do a halfway decent job, but apparently you’ve gone above and beyond to find the dumbest of the dumb to represent your company. Congratulations, your employees are idiots.

We’ll spend our money somewhere else. We don’t have throw away money, we work hard for what we got, which isn’t much. What little money we have we like to spend on food we enjoy from places who value our money and our patronage. Obviously you don’t give much of a shit about either one of those from us, so we’ll move on to some place that does.

Lastly, giving people extra large drinks instead of the normal sizes that everyone else does would be nice if you didn’t fill each cup entirely with ice before the drink is added. One of your extra large “large” drinks yields about as much to drink as everybody else’s mediums. Thanks for making me pay for a cup full of ice that has nothing to chill after three drinks.

Dave is undoubtedly rolling around in his grave right now.

Fuck Wendy’s. I’m so done with them and their shit. My wife’s drink was so full of ice she barely got her straw in it. Seriously. She doesn’t drink a lot, which is why she ordered a small, but I’m sure even she’ll be thirsty after that drink.

How hard is it? I know fast food is what it is, but that doesn’t mean we, as consumers, shouldn’t expect them to get our orders right. I know I should know better, and I do. I completely expect to get something fucked up at a fast food place, any of them. But we should hold them to the same standards we hold everything else to. We’re paying them 100% of the money for 100% of the product we order, nothing less. And we should get nothing less.

Fuck you Wendy’s, I’m done with you.

TV Show Themes

The mark of a good TV show isn’t just about good writing and good acting (good directing also comes into play somewhere), but having a good theme is just as important. When was the last time there was a popular TV show on with a horrible opening song? Of course opinions can declare anything bad, but those hit shows, no matter when they aired on TV, have or had theme songs that people still recognize today, even if they had never seen the show.

I grew up with shows like Night Court, Sanford & Son, Married… With Children and Roseanne, to name a few. Of course Sanford & Son was just before my time, but to this day I can hum the theme song as if I had just watched an episode.

Roseanne had many versions of their theme song, which all rocked, in my opinion. A groovy blues jam that was never long enough and always finished up with Roseanne laughing her fat mouth off. This all culminated in Blues Traveler recording a version with lyrics for the final season.

Married… With Children had a long opening with an extra verse (Try, try, try to separate them, it’s an illusion…). It was shortened to what just about everyone remembers, and then for the DVD releases they lost the license and couldn’t even use that, so now they have some horrible shitty generic opening that totally kills the show. That’s how much a theme song matters. Of course the song was based off of a real song, so they just used an extra verse for the long version.

Hey, do you know the theme song to Bonanza? I’m sure you do. Would it surprise you to know that it actually had lyrics? Just like Hawaii Five-0 and MASH, they had lyrics to their theme songs too. Seriously, click those links and try not to kill yourself after listening to the MASH tune. No wonder they went with the instrumental version for the show.

The thing about TV show theme songs is, most of them are typically songs that are exactly as long as they are during the shows opening. What you hear is all you get. They’re also made by some theme show making band with no name, in house, specifically for that show. However, other times, they’re full length songs by real bands that just so happen to get picked up for a show, and then they’re cut down to fit the opening of the show and recorded specifically for the opening, so that when you actually hear the full version of the song you’re like, “That just barely sounds like the opening to the show…” and then you’re pissed off because the song doesn’t live up to the TV shows opening version. The thing is, sometimes the real bands or artists recording those songs can be big name acts, such as Blues Traveler, Sammy Davis Jr. (Hawaii Five-0), Frank Sinatra (Married… With Children) and Quincy Jones (Sanford & Son). But other times they’re done by bands who are one hit wonders, those one hits are the theme songs, and the full version of those songs are terrible, making one wonder just what in the hell did some TV exec see in the song to begin with to make them consider it for their show.

Since I’m a fan of TV, there are a ton of TV show theme songs that I love, but there are just a couple I want to touch base on. Otherwise this piece would be novel length and you’d quit reading somewhere after this sentence. You probably will anyway. I did.

Love or hate it, the show Friends was on for a long time, had many fans and was a huge success, despite the fact that they lived in a New York City where only white people lived. Personally, I was a fan of the show only because it made me laugh. I wasn’t a huge fan, or even a follower of the show. I watched it in syndication and can only recall actually watching brand new episodes as they first aired maybe three or four times. I only seemed to catch it by accident, but I never turned it off. There are worse things to watch, after all.

The band who did their opening, The Rembrandts, had a hit with the song. Unfortunately for them it was their only hit (The Rembrandts six fans will argue this). The reason for this is, they weren’t really a good band. I saw them on Leno one night performing the song and it was terrible. Seriously, it sounded very monotone, and as if they were performing it for the first time ever without having rehearsed it first. Way to break free from those TV theme shackles guys.

Another show I really like is the USA Network hit, Psych, and naturally I really like the opening. As it turns out it is done by The Friendly Indians, the band show creator Steve Franks belongs to. Way to promote your shit, you’re doing it right.

The fun thing about this band is, this is their only hit and I doubt it’s getting radio play. While looking for a performance video for this song I found a live acoustic version where the guys fuck up the lyrics to the song, immediately. Amazing, the only hit they have and they can’t even remember the fucking lyrics.

I’m probably the biggest fan of That 70s Show alive, and it’s almost impossible to hate their opening song. Both versions. Well, I’ll just say I love the show theme, but the full song can suck one.

Cheap Trick redid the song made famous by Big Star, and there were name changes and key changes and lyric changes, but overall, I can’t stand the song, no matter what version it is. The theme version is the only one I can get behind. Possibly the worst video for it that I found is the one where Cheap Trick is in the Formans living room playing it with the cast of the show hanging out behind them. Not that I’m a hater of Cheap Trick, there’s just some creepy vibe they’re throwing off in the video. Maybe it’s just the drummer with his pedophile smile.

Lastly, there’s the show Rules Of Engagement, that for the record I’d like to say is one of my favorite shows of all time. I was depressed to learn it was canceled finally after seven seasons and 100 episodes.

Oh, and I’d like to point out that Will Harris for the AV Club said of it:

“Seven seasons is a damned fine run, no matter how you look at it, but it’s a particularly remarkable achievement for Rules Of Engagement, a series about which no one has ever exclaimed, ‘Oh, my God, that is my absolute favorite!’” Apparently he knows what he’s talking about. Idiot.

Their theme song is catchy and I typically sing along to it when I don’t plan to, just because it’s catchy. It’s not a favorite song of mine, it’s not something I would jam out to in my car, but it’s catchy enough. One day I decided to see if there was a full length song and sure enough, there is. And it’s not just bad, but horribly performed in the video.

Senor Happy really looks out of place performing, and by “Senor Happy” I mean “the singer.” He has this look on his face the entire time like he’s afraid to show any form of emotion past “I just had a stroke, my mouth can’t do anything.” He looks as if he realizes his band is only good for the opening 30 seconds to a TV show and that they’ll never be more than that. And then he gets to jumping around and overplaying the song to make up for that shitty look on his face and he oversells it. It would be like having a mosh pit to Barney’s “I Love You.” His presence in this video is a clusterfuck of emotion and none of it makes sense with the song.

The good news is, we’ll probably never see Senor Happy, The Rembrandts or The Friendly Indians on any tour with any real acts, unless they get together with each other and play to sold out bars and restaurants all over the state of Kansas. Despite that, they made some really cool TV theme songs, so I guess they can be proud of that. They better be, they have nothing else going for them.

Being A Server

Guess who just had a shitty server experience? If you guessed me, then you’d be correct. And if you guessed that it was on my birthday, you’d be some kind of psychic or something. Because it totally was.

My mom took my wife and I out for breakfast this morning for my birthday. I picked a new Bob Evans that opened up near us, only because I hadn’t been to a Bob Evans in a while and thought the change would be nice. I quickly remembered why I haven’t been to one in a while. Their food sucks. It all tastes fake to me.

Anyway, our waitress wasn’t horrible and she didn’t do anything outrageously bad, but she made some mistakes that I thought common sense would have prevented, but apparently not.

I was a waiter at a local pizza place for six months and then at an Applebee’s for six months. And while I learned some great pointers from both, mostly from Applebee’s, I learned most of what I know about being a server just by being served at restaurants. It’s not fucking hard people, so if you fail at being a server, you should end your life now because nothing in life is going to get any easier for you.

Here’s a quick how-to guide for being a server, no matter where you’re working. Do these things and you’ll be just fine.

First of all, you should have some sort of personality. You don’t want to overstay your welcome at the table, but you should have a good banter with your customers. Here’s an exchange I had with our waitress this morning.

Because my wife always takes forever to order, I made a joke about it to the waitress. She asked us if we were ready to order and I said my wife would need a few days before she would be ready. This, of course, pissed my wife off (even though it’s true) but the waitress said without missing a beat, “I’ll come back tomorrow.” And she left the table. Very nice.

You should also know that being an efficient server should be the top of your list. Don’t have excellent banter with your customers only to screw everything else up. That will just make you look like a douche.

Something I see not too very often (which is a shame) is the crouch move. I learned that from a server at Applebee’s and it works. When you get to the table, crouch if you can while talking to your customers. It makes them feel, subconsciously, that they are above you and it keeps them from having to look up at you. You’ll be more on their level and they’ll be more comfortable.

Make sure you get their order right the first time, when they order. When you leave the table there should be no questions or concerns with their order on your part. Get it right, and after they order ALWAYS repeat the entire order back to them and make sure they say that it is right. And don’t speed read through the order, make sure they can hear everything you say. This only saves your ass. Trust me.

Now, the first of two things our waitress fucked up. Always, ALWAYS go back to the table “2 bites or 2 minutes” after you give them their food to make sure everything is okay. This is so that if something is fucked up you can get it corrected right away instead of having your customer sit there with something wrong and not eating while everyone else around them eats. Our waitress gave us our food and we didn’t see her until we were all almost done eating. This lead to the second thing she screwed up.

Your customers should never go without something to drink. Personally, if I had to pick between either only eating or drinking for the rest of my life, I’d pick drinking. I love to drink. I’m always with something to drink, and if I’m not I panic. I love liquids of all kinds. This is what helped to make me a very heavy alcohol drinker back when I drank all the time, because I drink constantly. If I go to a restaurant to eat and I can’t get my refills myself, I expect to never have to wait very long, if at all, for a refill. I can’t eat without something to drink. Had I been the one paying and not my mom, she wouldn’t have gotten such a big tip just because of the drink situation. It’s that important to me. And I always tip well because I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I know what kind of work they do and for what money. But don’t give me a refill, you’re fucking with your own cash flow.

When our waitress finally came to check on us for the first time, I had gone ten minutes or longer without anything to drink. I stopped eating to wait on a refill. When she did come back to us, it was to greet the people who had been sat next to us and she asked if we were doing okay as she walked past us to their table. She didn’t even stop. My mom and wife said they were okay, which took up the amount of time I had to say I needed something. That’s how fast it all happened. That was my window of opportunity. I said I needed a refill, but I had to turn my head while saying it because she was walking past me as I said it, and she had already taken her mind off of us as I was saying it, so she didn’t hear me. After she took their drink orders, she was gone and I didn’t see her again until she brought them their drinks, and even then my mother had to yell to get her attention as she was damn near running away from their table after giving them their drinks. Only then did I get the one refill I got to have during breakfast, which wasn’t enough. Considering Bob Evans has thick glasses that appear to hold more than they actually do. Add the ice, and I got about two solid drinks from each glass before they were empty. Not cool.

Lastly, always offer desert before dropping off the check. This isn’t because people want you to do it, it’s because IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB. Secret Shoppers look for that shit. I almost always got a perfect score on every “Shop” I’ve been through, because for one, I’m not an idiot, and two, I know how to be a good server.

You should always offer at least two of everything, just to be on the safe side. When you first visit a table, offer two appetizers and two drinks. Salad? Cheese sticks? Coke? Water? To have a little fun with it, like I did, offer Iced Tea and then Jack Daniels or something else completely off the wall. They can’t say you didn’t offer two drinks and you typically get a laugh out of them right from the start, which usually helps you have a good experience with them.

Then you want to offer two meals, which is a good time to tell them about specials or your favorite dish without sounding like a traveling salesman. At the end, offer those two deserts or even coffee. Some people like a cup of coffee at the end of a meal.

Now that you’ve had this helpful guide help you make it through another dinner service, here’s another tip. Don’t visit the table too much. I had a waitress once come to the table every other minute. It was ridiculous. People don’t want to flag you down for something, they also don’t want to shoo you away either. If you want to make frequent trips to your tables, don’t say anything. Walk by silently, look over the table and see if they need any dishes removed or any refills. If it looks as if they do, then ask if they’d like to have dishes taken away or drinks refilled. But if they need you, there you are. Let them say they need something without you asking. That keeps you looking like you’re not constantly checking on them and keeps them feeling as if they’re in control. Otherwise, a silent walk by is all that is needed. For extra pointers, if they look like they need a refill, just take them one. Don’t ask.

Oh, and pre-bussing your tables is definitely a must. I just mentioned it, removing dishes. Even if you have bus people working at your particular restaurant, that doesn’t mean the customers want to sit there with a bunch of unneeded dirty dishes taking up all of the table space. This also leads to dishwashers getting dishes done more effectively, bus people doing their jobs quicker and more effectively, and the restaurant running more smoothly.

If you have any questions on how to be a good server, or any questions over what I just wrote, ask. And if I forgot something or you have a suggestion, please say so. Serving food is not a hard job, seriously. It’s a shame servers don’t make more money in this country, but even still, it’s not a hard job to do. Just follow these steps and you’ll be just fine.

Now, go get me a refill.