Category Archives: Drunken Rants

My drunken rants are awesome.

Just Sayin’

While speaking with Leah in the comments section of my Monkees piece, and then speaking with Keith Brogdon on Facebook (Keith was the drummer for one of my favorite bands Bare Jr.) I’ve come to the realization that I love Traffic. They jam and that’s okay by my standards.

I also realized that I’m drunk. This happened after I drank some cherry infused vodka and then some beer.

That brings me up to an interesting thing. I ran out of weed a few days ago and we don’t have the money to get any more. So I’m doing without, mostly also because I need to get a job and those bastards drug test. Earlier on my way to get the beer I stepped outside and apparently just before I did that a skunk had been hanging around and sprayed something. So it smelled like weed outside. God hates me.

But I have (had) pizza Pringles, so everything’s okay. For now.

Also, I’ve been pitching articles to Cracked to see if I can get published over there. If so I’ll do it under another of my pen names, Alan Marsden. So keep a look out there for my article, because they just accepted one of the four I’ve pitched. It’s currently in the Editorial phase right now, which means it very well can still not be picked, but I’m one step closer than I was just moments ago.

When they accepted my pitch for Editorial, they made a drunk man very happy. And with that, I’m just sayin.

Drunken Rant: NASCAR Sucks

I’m so sick and tired of NASCAR. And I shouldn’t be. It never bothered me before, but within the last, maybe five to seven years, it’s gotten really big and I’m just done with it.

I never have been a fan of it, but before this recent surge in popularity I didn’t care that it was around. It was like when ice skating is on TV. When ice skating is on and I pass by it, I might stop for a few moments to check out how hot the chick is skating, and then I turn it to something with a little more explosions and death, like The Price Is Right.

The same goes for NASCAR. I’d pass by it and stop for a few moments to see if a wreck happened, since I was in the market for explosions and death. Then none would happen and I’d realize the rest of NASCAR pretty much sucks, so I’d change the channel to go find that painting guy on PBS and watch him make a hillside.

The worst part about NASCAR is, it’s on every Sunday. Sunday has been and always will be a football day. Not a fucking car driving day. When I turn on the TV during football season and expect to see a football game going on and instead I see a bunch of cars driving around in a circle a few hundred times, it makes me want to perform a root canal on myself.

First of all, I love how it’s considered a sport. And you know what? I’ll give it that. They have a points system, the guys who drive the cars are good at what they do and have to endure some crazy heat sitting in those cars for so long. And they can’t even pull over to piss if they have to go. For hours.

But at the same time, they’re driving cars. The difference between real sports and NASCAR is just that. I don’t play football, so I watch those athletes who do play it and I enjoy what they do. But in NASCAR, they’re driving cars. I drive my car. Therefore, I’m a NASCAR athlete.

Sure I don’t drive at hundreds of miles an hour around circles for hours on end, but I have better things to do. Plus, why would I want to watch a bunch of other people drive when I hate driving?

I used to love driving, until I had to do it around others. Dealing with other drivers sucks. Now, I hate it, and if I hate to do it, why would I want to watch it happening? I might as well grab a lawn chair, head down to my local major intersection, have a seat and just watch people drive. Same thing. I’m sure to see an accident, and with any luck I’ll see someone get hurt.

In football, if someone does something good, it can be amazing. A 70 yard touchdown pass with seconds left to win the game can be pretty amazing. In NASCAR, the only thing worth seeing are the wrecks. And the wrecks are when things go wrong. In football, things going wrong aren’t so much worth seeing usually, it’s when things go right that they’re fun to watch.

It’s like that in every sport but NASCAR. Why is that? Because NASCAR offers nothing else, other than cars driving in a circle for hours on end, and wrecks.

Personally, if I want to watch wrecks I’ll go to YouTube and watch wrecks. It won’t take hours for me to do it, and I’ll have 100% satisfaction.

I tell you, NASCAR is the worst thing to happen to Sunday’s since football season ended. Now, if they would just go back to their roots and start flying down country roads with trunks full of moon shine, I’d be all for it. But until then, get the fuck off of my TV. I have no desire to watch cars drive in a circle for hours. If I really wanted to see that, I’d rent a helicopter and fly over I-275 for a few. I’d be guaranteed to see more hillbillies having accidents that way.

You Know It’s Bad When…

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you look in the fridge, see you have 8 beers left, and are pissed because you only have 8 beers left.

I mean, I’m drunk now, so obviously 8 beers was enough. I’m actually drinking the eighth as I write this.

Was this a party night? Were there guests over? Was a sports game on?

No.

This is a typical night for me when I have beer. That’s a big “WHEN” because sometimes I go for a period of time without it. That period sucks, but it makes those tiny periods when I do have beer that much more enjoyable.

Which is why I over over-indulge. You see, I would love to have a nice beer, a good beer, something with body. Like an amber style beer, Amberbock would be a nice choice, as would Killian’s. But I can’t have those because they cost too god damn much. I’ve even started drinking Hudy Amber, a newer beer that is a very good amber style beer, but low on cost, since it’s made by Hudepohl. But even then, I can get a 12 pack of it in bottles for $10. Not TOO bad if I want to treat myself.

I always go, though, with the cheap purchase. Get more for my money. Like a 30 pack of Keystone Light. Can’t go wrong there. Unless I’m trying to watch how much I drink. Because my fridge with 30 cans of beer in it is a welcome sign to drunken bliss.

The only problem with that is, a 30 pack literally only lasts me 3 days. That should average out to 10 a day, but I’m much better than that. Typically I can kill a 12 pack with no problem, and most of the time I want more after I’ve had that.

So you can see why tonight I was a little upset that I only had 8 beers left. The good news for me was, I was slightly tired. So 8 did the trick.

I habitually go to parties where there will be just four of us and the question will be asked; “Do you think two 30 packs will be enough?” The answer is always “no” and we go get another one.

Yes, I can party with just 4 people. If you can’t, you don’t know how to party.

The upside, besides getting drunk for no particular reason? I recycle cans and get paid for doing so. Sure it’s not much, but whatever I get always contributes to another 30 pack. You see? That’s good economics.

Drunken Rants: Swamp People

This is a new rant here on the blog. I’m a drunk, otherwise known as a lush. I’m not an alcoholic though. They go to meetings.

To begin, these rants will only take place while I am drunk. I’m surprised I haven’t had one of these yet. And to celebrate, I’m going to post another Editorial Archive that talks about just how much I drink. Ironically, most every Editorial I wrote happened while I was drunk or otherwise inebriated.

For now, though, my drunken rant. Oh, by the way, Jen said I had to include this. When I first started typing the title to the rant, I typed “Drunken” as “Drunekn” and then as “Drunenk” and I couldn’t figure out why it didn’t look right. Who knew?

On to the rant.

I was just watching that show Swamp People, which is a fucking awesome show. It’s easily addictable. Don’t watch it, unless you want to be hooked on a show where dudes cruise around in the swamp on boats, hunting and killing alligators. It’s awesome. It’s also awesome that a couple of them wear those shitty rubber shoes, Crocs, and they hunt alligators. Anybody else notice that shit?

Crocs - Shitty rubber shoes.

So I’m watching this show and it occurs to me, as I finish my 7th Hudepohl Amber Lager and quickly begin sucking on the 8th, even as awesome as this show is, it could still be awesomer. If only they included the two things every show should have, explosions and zombies.

Zombies belong in every show. Period. Movies? Why are they already not in every movie? Well, Hollywood has been working on that, but whatever. Why does this show not have zombies? That’s the problem with zombies, they’re not very abundant in swamps.

Zombies typically don’t show up on alligator hunts, which I learned while watching Swamp People; yet another reason why you should watch the show. You learn so much. Like, alligators are super pissed, all the time. I already knew that, but they teach you that in case you didn’t know already.

Fuck, I just got the hiccups.

It’s probably a good thing there are no zombies in the swamp, cause dealing with alligators is at the top of shit I don’t want to have to deal with. Add zombies into the mix, and you’re pretty much fucked. Let’s not even THINK of zombie alligators. Fuck that nonsense.

Next is explosions. There aren’t many opportunities for explosions in the swamp, except that apparently swamp gas is very flammable. It’s also the cause of every UFO sighting ever. Apparently.

The only thing I could figure is, the boats the Swamp People drive around in have gas engines, so those could explode. That would be awesome. Talk about fucked. Or maybe if, for instance, they hunted the gators by putting rancid meat on hooks and hung them from trees, only inside the rancid meat is a few dozen sticks of dynamite. Then when the gator swallows it, he realizes he’s fucked because the hook jabs through his stomach lining, but then the 48 sticks of dynamite go off and ruin his world. Damn that would be so sweet.

Now, if you will, consider this. The guys go out hunting gators, and just as they tag one, a horde of exploding zombies run out of the swamp and dominate their asses. Holy shit, I should be in Hollywood giving people ideas for movies and shit. Better yet, I’ll post all of my ideas on this easily accessible blog and let whoever the fuck wants to steal it, steal it. Just like what happened between me and The Simpsons. Whatever.

Everything should have zombies and explosions in it. And Bruce Willis. I mean, if you have him on your movie or show, you’re guaranteed to have explosions. And then zombies? Man, I can hardly contain myself.