Category Archives: Hot Chicks List

Here’s a selection of women on my Hot-Chicks-I’d-Totally-Bang-Hard list.

Wow: Natalie Martinez

Some of my more astute readers, or those of you who actually follow things now probably already know who Natalie Martinez is. I didn’t, until I watched the first episode of CBS’s “Under The Dome,” the hit TV show based off of Stephen King’s awesome fucking novel of the same name. Natalie plays one of the cops on the show in the fictional town of Chester’s Mill and when I first saw her on the show, even in full cop gear, I thought “Wow, she’s pretty hot. I’d like to see more of her.”

Natalie and some unimportant dude. CBS - Under The Dome

Natalie and some unimportant dude. CBS – Under The Dome

So I looked her up and found more of her and discovered that she’s been around for a while and has been in a lot of stuff over the years, such as music videos for popular artists of today and she’s also been photographed a lot wearing next to nothing, which was a nice find for me. I got what I wanted, more of her. So I thought I’d share. Needless to say she’s now on the hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard-list. Enjoy.

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Finally, she was in a movie this year called Broken City with some other actors and she had a nice sex scene where she was topless. There’s a clip of it online somewhere if you want to see it and not watch the entire movie (cough, cough). I haven’t actually seen the movie, but I might.

Mmm, Danielle Fishel

My (almost) life-long desire has finally been realized. While she’s not completely naked (or in my possession) it still counts. My dream woman, Danielle Fishel has posed scantily clad for the men’s magazine Maxim.

And she’s on the cover. What a glorious cover it is.

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Now I know what you’re thinking. If you’re like me you’re only thinking one thing and that’s how much you’d like to jump into that picture with her and do nasty things to her. I’ve only thought that about her since I first saw her on Boy Meets World as “Topanga” which Urban Dictionary says means “beautiful or spectacular” among other things.

Without further ado, here are the rest of the pictures I could find that are worth looking at, which is all of them. You can click any of them for larger images, which of course why the hell wouldn’t you do that? The last picture is my favorite. Mmmm… Topanga… Sorry Megyn Price, you’ve been bumped off the top of my hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard-list and been replaced by Danielle. I’m sure you understand.

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Put Another On The List

Since creating this here blog I’ve occasionally said that a woman is on the hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard list. I’ve also posted 101 posts, this being 101, meaning the last and 100th post was nothing more than cooking instructions from a Mac n Cheese box. I’ve accomplished so much.

Well today, I’ve decided to add another chick to that list and this one is not really surprising, just unknown for so long. And you might think it’s disgusting.

Tonight my wife and I watched the 1991 hit Peter Pan film Hook. In that movie I noticed someone that is surprisingly hot. You are now instantly thinking about the movie and wondering who I could mean.

I’ve got to be talking about Julia Roberts, right? As Tinkerbell? Damn she looked good, right? Hell yeah bitch!

Who doesn’t love a tall leggy woman in a very short skirt with pointy ears and wings?

But no, that’s not who I mean. Could I be talking about Caroline Goodall who played the mom, Moira?

Yes, sexy for sure, nice accent. But no, I’m not talking about her. Well then it couldn’t be Maggie Smith, the lady who played Grandma Wendy?

No, it’s not her, but she is Professor McGonagall from the Harry Potter flicks. Don’t laugh and think she’s automatically out of the running. Maybe I should show you another picture of her.

Yeah, do-able.

No, I’m not talking about her or the list of younger girls who played the various ages of her, which were all do-able as well. I’m not even talking about Laurel Cronin who played the housekeeper.

Now you might be getting a little suspicious. There’s only one left really, and that’s Maggie, the daughter who sang that tune in the movie that was up for an Academy Award. And then, you’d be right.

That’s right, I’m ultra sick, right? PERV! Ew, that’s disgusting!

Yeah, here’s a picture of her now.

Take 2.

That’s Amanda Scott, the girl who played Maggie. She’s looking mighty fine now, isn’t she? Only, there’s very little known about her since Hook was one of two movies she ever did, with the second movie coming out in 1995. Hook came out in 1991.

She attended college and was in a house or some shit, which if you look up info on her that’s all you’re going to get anywhere you go.

No matter, she’s on the list. And I’m sure she’d be proud to know that. After all, this should be the biggest thing her career has ever gotten her.

This Month In Magazines

I was at Walmart the other night (there was my first problem) when I happened to go by the magazine aisle. As I passed by it I only glanced at the things it offered. Typically I don’t do magazines. Not because I don’t like them, but because they’re usually too god damned expensive.

Last night though, something caught my eye, so I picked it up to have a look and this is what I found.

My initial reaction was “WHAT THE FUCK?!” As I calmed down a bit right after security got done telling me to calm down a bit, I took it all in. Gods of ROCK? As in ROCK N ROLL? Keith Richards is spinning in his grave right now. Oh sorry, he’s on the cover. WHAT THE FUCK?!

I’ll give you that, Keith deserves to be listed as one of the gods of rock. After all, he’s older than God. But the fact that he’s on the cover of GQ is really what gets me with this particular cover, not that I have ever read or even looked at an issue of GQ in my life. Actually the time it took me to get a picture of this cover was the longest I’ve ever looked at one.

Really? Eminem and Lil Everyday Rapper? Gods of ROCK? I really wanted to buy the magazine just so I could find out why the fuck GQ, or anybody for that matter, considers the music either of those men put out as rock. Now, don’t get me wrong, what they do is respectable and they both have made their mark in the music business. I have nothing but respect for both. But Gods of Rock they are not.

Since when did we start lumping everybody into the Rock category? I started getting a feeling for that a few years ago when I heard Madonna was going to be inducted into the Rock Hall of Fame. What sucked even more was the fact that she was being inducted and legit Rock bands weren’t.

Back in the 90′s we created sub-categories of rock to better categorize the music that was coming out, such as Grunge or Alternative. There’s Classic Rock, Heavy Metal or Metal, Death Metal, Rush, Hard Rock, Blues Rock… the list goes on and on. We, or somebody, created extra categories so that bands could be better described, so that all rock wasn’t looked at or listed as the same.

But now we’re just throwing everybody into the giant, top tier main category of Rock. Why? What’s the point? Rap is not Rock. It’s just not. I’m not saying that because I’m a bigger fan of Rock than I am of Rap. It’s just not. Rap has worked its way into the mainstream over years and years of being looked at as horrible by a majority of the people in the world, mostly because it talked about things a majority of the people of the world didn’t want to hear. Rap, or Hip Hop, was a way for black folks to tell the rest of us what the world was doing to them, to let out their anger, to publicize the wrong doings they were being subjected to. The music had to struggle for a long time just to be accepted, let alone to be mainstream. So now it’s being labeled as Rock. I think the fans and the artists should be pissed.

Its like saying, “your music is great, but we’re going to put you under the category of Rock so that its more appealing to a bigger amount of people.” Wouldn’t that piss you off? I’m pissed for them.

This clearly shows why GQ shouldn’t be your first choice for music advice. I didn’t even look to see who the others were, for fear that I’d only get more pissed off. Chances are good that Angus Young isn’t in that list, because obviously GQ has no clue.

Since I was in the area I noticed another magazine and thought I’d take a snap shot of it as well. Brace yourself.

I’m really not sure what magazine this is, but I think it’s a Time Life, although I’m probably wrong and really I hope I am. I used to have respect for Time Life.

Now the fans of Amy Whorehouse can rejoice, there’s a commemorative issue, all about her life, for them, her fans, to remember her by. All three of them can shout with glee.

What the fuck has she done to deserve having an entire issue of a magazine dedicated to her? I’m not much of a fan of radio, but are any of her songs being played on the radio? Not Satellite, that doesn’t count, they play everything. And not after her death, but before it, were there any stations playing her music before she died? I really don’t know because I don’t listen to the radio, but for some reason I doubt it.

The reason I doubt it is, even though I don’t listen to the radio, I would still recognize an artists name if I heard it because typically, those artists on the radio are spoken about often enough that I would pick it up just from hearing it a few times. All of us are that way, really. But her name? I had never heard of her until she was so smashed at one of her own concerts that she pissed off her own fans by forgetting the words to her own songs and fucking everything up and then cussing her fans out for booing her and then walking off the stage before the show had really even gotten started and denying her fans, who had actually paid money to see her, a refund or even a decent apology. That’s when I had first heard about her. Apparently she had been around before that.

Also, she committed suicide by living a horrible lifestyle and overdosing on drugs. She may not have wanted to die, but she killed herself by OD’ing on drugs. I just did a search on why exactly she died and this is what I found from a website straight out of Satan’s asshole, HollywoodLife.com:

Amy had long struggled with addiction, and now friends are reporting she was just out for a good time. Meanwhile, her family is struggling with the pain of their loss.

Amy Winehouse‘s July 23 death left the music world reeling, and new reports are coming out that drugs may have been the cause.

Amy, who was 27, was known among her friends as a party animal and addict, and many are saying she simply overdid it while partying on July 22. Allegedly the tipping point was a drug run she made at 10:30 pm that night, The People reports. She proceeded to mix cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and ketamine, and coupled with the alcohol she was drinking, the combination proved fatal.

“Amy seemed determined to have a big one on Friday night,” a friend told the publication. “She was out in Camden [a neighborhood in London] on Friday evening, but seemed determined to carry on the party back at her flat. None of us know who was with her into the early hours of Saturday. But getting out of it was clearly her main priority of the night.”

Meanwhile, as the Daily Mail reports an autopsy will take place within the next 24 hours, Amy’s family has released a touching statement: “Our family has been left bereft by the loss of Amy, a wonderful daughter, sister, niece. She leaves a gaping hole in our lives. We are coming together to remember her and we would appreciate some privacy and space at this terrible time.”

This story is just so sad — we hope Amy is at peace, as she was so obviously tormented during her life.

Since when has dying of overdosing on a ton of illegal drugs been looked at as sad? It’s glamorized now, and some people wonder why there’s a war on drugs. The jackasses who read the trash on this website and any other like it, for one, aren’t the types of people who would be doing drugs, so you’d think, and two, are very impressionable. Just like Heath Ledger, the world goes into mourning and they have candle light vigils, and they get together outside of the jackass’s home and place flowers on the ground and cry and cry and cry. Shut the fuck up. These idiots killed themselves from doing TOO MANY ILLEGAL DRUGS. Their awesome lifestyle of having a ton of money and talent and fame brought on by you, their fans, wasn’t enough for them (or Amy Winehouse who apparently had some fans). So they turned to illegal drugs they bought off of somebody that you wouldn’t give a fuck less if they died, just so they could enjoy their life for once. And you’re mourning them?

So this bitch Amy did enough in her life to warrant an entire fucking magazine dedication? If she did, I would have heard about her previous to her fucked up concert debacle. I just would have. That’s the way things go.

After that magazine I had had enough and left the magazine aisle. As I was standing in the checkout lane, which I wound up not going all the way through, I discovered another magazine.

I’m not entirely sure who the chick is, although she’s already made her way to the list of hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard list. Surprisingly though, that’s not what originally caught my attention. It’s the giant cover story posted next to her.

Guys Top Sex Secrets. Now, I understand this topic has been going on a long time in the world of women’s magazines. They think they know men’s secrets. Obviously they don’t because this continues to be a story for them.

We don’t have any fucking sex secrets. Dress up like a nurse or a maid and give us head. That’s it. If women sucked us off on a regular basis which means more than once every quarter of the year, we’d really have nothing to complain about. I know I wouldn’t. More than once in my life, a conversation much like this has happened between me and one of my friends.

“Last night my wife (or girlfriend) and I got into a huge fight. She called my mother a whore and punched my dog in the nuts and then said I had a tiny dick and then she fucked my dad. Then she broke my Beatles collection and lit my car on fire. But then she sucked my dick, so everything is cool.”

We don’t have secrets, and if the cunts who write these ignorant pieces of literary rubbish bothered to ask a guy, or for that matter actually dated real men and PLEASED them in any way, they’d know this. But publishing this crap is a sure fire way to continue to get readers who still have no idea how to please a man and never will, which is why they continue to publish these magazines with these dumbass secrets that don’t exist.

These magazines will never publish the truth about our sex secrets, which I just revealed, because they know if they do, they’ll never be able to have another issue like this again, which I figure comes out once every four issues. These magazines suck, all the way around, so don’t buy them. Now, if they had naked pictures of that beautiful woman on the cover, I’d buy it, but they don’t, so fuck ‘em.

Just as I thought it couldn’t get worse, I happened to see this one.

Gastric Bypass without surgery? This intrigues me, but not enough to buy the magazine. How could that be accomplished, I wondered. My wife and I discussed it while waiting in line at the register, which we left shortly after without purchasing what we had spent an hour picking up, because there was only one checkout lane open and there were a ton of people in line in front of us waiting to buy a ton of shit.

So what happens? Do they make you swallow a handful of rubber bands and hope that one of them accidentally slips around your stomach and does the trick? Or do they make you eat a box of staples and then punch you in the stomach until one of them sticks and fixes you for good?

OR, do they tell you to get off of your fat lazy ass and eat right and work out? I’m guessing no, which is yet another reason why paying the outlandish prices for these magazines is a complete waste of money and reading them is a complete waste of time. Do yourself a favor and pick up a Hustler and a box of tissues. Now that’s money well spent.

Movie Review: The Slaughter (Spoilers)

Lately I’ve been looking up on a new favorite actress of mine. Mostly because she’s hot. She’s on the hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard list.

I first saw her in the zombie flick Zombie Strippers where she played a hardcore army chick who kicks ass.

Then, to keep you from all of the bullshit detail, I found another movie that she was in on Netflix called The Slaughter.

The movie starts with a bunch of hot chicks chanting about this demon chick Ctulha. Then they get naked and offer a very gratuitous amount of boobs. Nice boobs. Then they all begin stabbing something, they never show you what, and they get all covered in blood. Cool.

Then the demon Ctulha rises from the ground and she’s all kinds of hot but she looks like she got smacked in the face with an ugly stick, of dynamite. Then she looks at the leader of the group and…

The leader of the group wakes up in bed. It was a nightmare, apparently. She goes to check on her daughter, who is still asleep. Then she goes downstairs and talks to her husband on the phone. She has a hot accent. She sees blood dripping from the ceiling and runs upstairs to find her daughter has been mutilated by an ax. Awesome.

She gets so terrified she runs down the hall and gets tripped up by ghostly hands that are reaching up from the floor. This throws her over the balcony where she falls from the second floor to the first, getting impaled on a coat rack. It was ironic for me because she totally ran into the coat rack when she first went downstairs and it scared her. So instead of just walking around it she moved it aside. I thought then that it was probably going to come into play later and SURPRISE! It did.

Fast forward 40 years and a bunch of college aged kids are heading there to clean it up so some rich asshole dude can sell it. Then they all get murdered. It’s pretty awesome.

Laura Bach, although I’m not sure what her real name is, is credited in this movie as Laura Stein. Could be Laura Steinbach, which would make sense, but I don’t know. However, in this movie she plays Heather and she’s a whore. Makes sense to me. All girls named Heather are whores. Folks, if you want to assure your daughter grows up to be a whore, name her Heather. I’m positive on this.

Anyway, this Heather chick is hot because she’s Laura Bach. Here’s a view of her after she’s dead and possessed by Ctulha.

By the end of the movie you get to view Ctulha not dead and ugly, but living and hot. She’s played by the gorgeous Adriana Esquivel, who now joins Rogue and Laura Bach on the hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard list.

One of the characters in the movie is a stoner who is well written and acted. He’s funny as hell and his death is very sick and well done.

There’s also this pussy asshole dude who’s death is cheesy, but very imaginative and gross. Plus, he gets to nail Laura Bach in the movie in a sex scene that is, at the very most, decent, but could have been better. Apparently Laura Bach doesn’t do nude scenes. In this movie, you do get a ton of side boob shots, but no full on shots, and you do get a couple of good ass shots. Still, it’s cool to see some skin on this babe.

When it comes down to the final two living folks, they have a pretty decent banter that is pretty comical. It goes a little something like this.

Dana: I think we lost them. Where’s Alexandria?
Iggy: They ate her!
Dana: So we’re the only ones left?
Iggy: It’s just you and me. Two mere mortals against evil unknown fighting the preternatural powers of a hell spawn succubus!
Dana: FUCK HER! Fuck her and the forces of darkness that created her! Fucking she-bitch from hell. Hateful, evil, murderous bitch with no friends and bad skin! We can DO THIS! What do we have?
Iggy: For what?
Dana: Like, weapons to fight off the supernatural forces of darkness.
Iggy: Nothing.
Dana: Something holy?
Iggy: Nope.
Dana: Spells? Incantations?
Iggy: Bupkis.
Dana: Protective amulets?
Iggy: Negatory.
Dana: There’s gotta be some type of magic charm to command the evil.
Iggy: I don’t know, man.
Dana: THERE’S ALWAYS A MAGIC CHARM TO COMMAND THE EVIL!
Iggy: That just sounds gay.
Dana: There’s gotta be something. ANYTHING.
Iggy: We got nothing, man. NOTHING.
Dana: And that is the best weapon we have.
Iggy: Wait wait wait, nothing is something?
Dana: A big something.
Iggy: Then we don’t have nothing.
Dana: No.
Iggy: We have something.
Dana: Nothing.
Iggy: I’m confused.

This conversation goes on and is enjoyable all the way through. A lot of parts of this movie are that way, but then again there are some really badly written parts. There’s also some bad editing and directing, but much like the writing, there are also moments of brilliance in it.

On Netflix this movie has 2 1/2 stars and I felt overall it should have had, the way it is, at the very least 3 1/2 stars. It could have pulled in 4 or more if a little more TLC had gone into the editing and writing. But with the way it is, it’s a really good B-movie with some really good special effects both standard and CGI.

I recommend this movie for anybody who has a love for low budget horror flicks that are done very well. It has a decent creepiness factor as well as decent special effects and death scenes. Check it out.

50th Post Extravaganza!

For my 50th post I felt that I should go big. Go the extra mile, so to speak. I thought for a while on this and finally came up with the perfect celebration. I won’t do anything here, I’ll do something for you, the people, who continuously read the shit on this blog. And for that, I thank you.

With that said, I’d like to begin with the extravaganza. And the only thing that would work for you, my reader, is something totally unique. One of a kind. Nothing else like this, anywhere. And I’m offering it to you.

Unfortunately, it won’t be cheap. This is something you’ll have to pay for. But holy shit, it is so totally worth it. Can you guess what it is? Do you have any ideas on what it could be? I’ll give you a hint.

I thought of it when I was checking out this really cool site I found just the other day. I have a link to it on the right, Dude! I Want That…, and it’s a site that has totally awesome shit. It was while on this site I found a chick who is now at the top of the hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard list. The costume catapults her over the top.

Anyway, it was while I was on this site that I happened to come across this, the most totally badass thing ever. Click the picture for more.

Holy shit, right? It’s the world’s only street legal turbine powered Batmobile in existence, and it can be yours for the low low price of $620,000! Watch the video on that page of it going down the road. I warn you now, it’s an inducer of major chub. Much like Rogue.

Now you’ve got to be thinking that my gift to you is, I’ll be buying this for one of my loyal readers. Sorry, but no. While that would totally kick ass, if I’m buying it, it’s for me. But no, I want to offer you something even better. How could anything be better than a real life street legal turbine powered Batmobile that would guarantee you more popularity in your city and tri-state area than the Pope or Hulk Hogan? Oh, only one thing can get better than that. And it is what I’m offering you. Feast your eyes on this.

That’s right folks, it’s Wonder Woman’s Invisible Plane! Isn’t she a beaut? I couldn’t believe I found her in a barn in DC. Just sitting there, all alone. Dust all over her top. I towed it back to Ohio and now she’s for sale. And cheap too! This one of a kind Invisible Plane can be yours for just $2,467,000!

You can’t get this anywhere else, this is one of a kind. Now, the kicker is, this offer is for you only! A plane like this is really priceless, but if a monetary value had to be placed it would easily be well over double that.

So what do you say? Really, you don’t have to say anything, loyal reader. It is I who should be speaking, and I do so by saying thank you for your support and readership. Thanks for coming back. And for not pressing charges.

After you buy this I’m going out and picking up the Batmobile. If your check clears.