Category Archives: Movies

I like movies. My reviews will probably contain spoilers. Consider yourself warned.

Movie Review: Alien Abduction

Someone or something abducted a great movie, and left us with:

Despite the movie being mediocre at best, it has gained itself a 4 star rating on Netflix. I even gave it that. I had to. I wanted to be extremely generous and give it a 3, but my wife loved it, so I averaged it out and gave it a 4. I can only assume everyone who voted on the movie on Netflix had the same issue.

My only problem with it and movies like it is how they start the movie by saying something to the effect of “This is real stuff.” And then within a minute of terrible “acting,” anything just slightly smarter than a rock can tell that it’s NOT real footage.

You can hate me all you want for this statement, but The Blair Witch Project did a better job at being authentic and portraying real people in a real situation than any found footage movie since. We can also thank those fuckers for starting this found footage epidemic.

Some of them I like. The V/H/S movies were pretty fucking awesome. I actually don’t mind The Blair Witch Project too much. Hell, The Last Broadcast is great, until the end. But now, movies like Alien Abduction are starting to really piss me off.

On IMDB it says about the movie, “…in this thriller based on the real-life Brown Mountain Lights phenomenon in North Carolina.” Okay, I can get behind that. I actually liked the movie to a degree, and if it didn’t try to play me as a fool from the beginning, I would be writing a better review. But at the beginning of the movie it says, “The following is actual leaked footage from the US AIRFORCE…”
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Movie Review: Turbo

Last night my wife wanted to watch the Dreamworks movie, Turbo, so I thought I’d review it. Sure, it came out last year, but I recently wrote a review of Pretty Woman, so at least I’m getting closer to NOW with this review.

turbo-movie-poster

The movie is about a snail who wishes he could drive a race car. He’s in love with the best race car guy alive at the time, who happens to be French and named “Guy.”

I get that this movie is a cartoon and fiction. But let’s take a look at some things that don’t make much sense.

First of all, he’s a snail. But he operates a TV AND drinks out of a can of soda with a straw. How did he do all that? The straw was two straws stuck together so that they’d reach into the can of soda and down to his mouth. How did he do any of that? He’s a fucking snail.

Second, after he gets juiced, literally, he then takes on all the characteristics of a car. He has lights, an alarm, a stereo. None of that makes sense and it’s unnecessary. It’s only for laughs, of which they got none from me cause I was too busy trying to figure out how the hell any of that would have happened.
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Daily Prompt: Missing Sequels

If you could create a sequel to one favorite (standalone) movie, which would it be? How would it build on the original?

I’ve thought, for a very long time, about my favorite movie and how I would have loved for a sequel to come out for it. But, I’ve always wondered, what exactly the sequel would entail. Because at the end of the original, it’s over. Sure there’s a story after it, but it’s not movie worthy, and my favorite movie was a great movie. Its sequel would have to be great for it to work, or it wouldn’t, which is why I’m glad they never made one. BUT, if they could have…

flashback-poster

I still really don’t know what the sequel would be about, and I still think about it every now and then. Especially after I watch the movie and the two main characters ride off in their respective sunsets. What happens then? Where are they going? What are they going to do? Personally, I’d love to see their stories following Flashback, but they wouldn’t be movie worthy.

If you haven’t seen Flashback, which I strongly suggest you do, there will be spoilers to it here.
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Super Men In Black

On and on I go with the upcoming sequels I’m actually looking forward to. I’ve already been over Pirates of the Caribbean 5, Despicable Me 3, Zombieland 2 and Army Of Darkness 2.

In this edition I’m going to go with Super Troopers 2 and Men In Black 4.

Recently, Broken Lizard, the dudes who brought us Super Troopers and other stellar films (despite what a bunch of douchebag idiots say) mentioned that they’re working on Super Troopers 2 and Weedfest. Well, there’s very little about Weedfest currently, but there’s plenty to see about Super Troopers 2. Hopefully that will be out soon. Either way, I’m just excited for another BL movie. Their stuff is awesome.

I’m sure the douchebag idiots will bitch and cry like they always do. “It’s not exactly like Super Troopers, so I HATE IT!” That’s why everyone hated Club Dread. Had it come out before Super Troopers, everyone would have loved it. But everyone wanted Super Troopers 2, and when they didn’t get it they hated it. They obviously don’t get it.
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Movie Review: Guardians Of The Galaxy

For the first time in just about 8 years, I got to see a movie in the theater. I bet you can’t guess which one I went to see!

Lucky guess. It's like you read the title to this blog or something.

Lucky guess. It’s like you read the title to this blog or something.

We went to an AMC theater to see this, which was nice. Here are the reviews I read about this particular location, before we went there.

“There can sometimes be MOUNDS of popcorn stuck under the seats.”
“The AMC (at least at this one’s) customer service is horrendous.” 2 reviewers
“I can buy a week’s worth of their popcorn kernels for that price.”

Oh man, I couldn’t wait to go. For starters, what do you care what’s under your seat? Are you sitting there on the floor? Second, our customer service was just fine. Third, shut the fuck up. When has going to the movies ever been cheap? Never in my life. Unless you go to the dollar cinema. So shut it, or start bringing a purse with you and filling it with your own goods, like everybody else.

Tickets for 2: $21
One large popcorn and one large drink: $13.75
Dumping my bag of popcorn on the floor under my seat to really piss off the next person who goes there: Priceless
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