Category Archives: Movies

I like movies. My reviews will probably contain spoilers. Consider yourself warned.

Movie Review: Jurassic World

What movie do you think of when I lay it out like this…

Rich dude opens a theme park on an island to showcase cloned dinosaurs to the world. Experts say things will go horribly wrong, rich dude says whatevs, and then things go horribly wrong. Dinosaurs escape their fences and start eating people. Two kids are in the hands of a guy who is saving the entire park from the dinosaurs. In the end there’s an epic battle between Raptors and a Rex and the park is shut down.

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Jurassic Park? Sure, and its current sequel, Jurassic World, which has broken worldwide records for money made. The two movies are basically the same damn story which has people calling this a reboot when it is clearly a sequel. Despite that, a lot of people are also calling it a crappy movie, which it was.

I really didn’t care for it at all.
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Movie Review: The Cobbler (Spoilers)

No, it isn't about pies.

No, it isn’t about pies.

Up until a week ago I had no idea this movie existed, but I saw it listed on Netflix, so I gave it a watch today. It stars Adam Sandler and Steve Buscemi. Have I ever mentioned how much I love Steve Buscemi?

Both of them make this movie great. I think it would work by itself with other actors, but because it was them, especially with their background and chemistry with one another, they made it that much better.

Supporting them, amongst many others who all did great jobs in the movie, were Method Man, the beautiful Dascha Polanco (Orange Is The New Black), Adam’s nephew Jared Sandler, and legend Dustin Hoffman.

I think Method Man should be commended for his acting in this movie. Not only did he have to play an ultra ghetto street shark who made his money illegitimately, he also had to play the complete opposite. To explain:
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Movie Review: San Andreas

Today my wife and I had plans to go see Jurassic World with some others, but those others flaked on us so we decided to go see it by ourselves. So we went to a new theater we’ve never been to before and saw San Andreas.

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The theater we went to is an XScape, which turned out to be pretty awesome. Not only can you buy White Castles there (they’re most likely the frozen kind) but you can get as much butter as you want on your popcorn, for free. They even let you dispense it yourself. They have butter stations next to the fountain pop stations, which they also let you get yourself, too.

In the theaters themselves they have reclining seats and tons of leg room. The seats were ultra nice.

Oh, so the movie was good, too. It stars The Rock as he defeats Triple H for yet another title. Then he goes out and saves a bunch of people from dying when the San Andreas fault decides to ruin everybody’s shit.


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Hot Tub Time Machine 2

If you’re a fan, you should know by now that the sequel is coming out on February 20th, 2015. Just six days from now. I’m stoked. I watched the trailer just a little while ago, and got so pumped I had to go watch the original again. When I did, I started noticing things I hadn’t noticed before. These things may have already been noticed by you or someone, I’m sure they were. But if not, then maybe I’m pointing something out that others didn’t know. Either way.

First, if you haven’t seen it, check out the trailer for the sequel.

And then I watched the first and immediately realized something. When Adam and Nick go to visit Lou in the hospital, Lou tells them again that he didn’t try to kill himself. But if he had, he’d be excellent at it. “Shotgun to the dick!”

In the trailer for the sequel he gets shot in the dick by a shotgun. Looks like he’s probably the one who did it. To himself.
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Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

As always, I’m on the breaking edge of movie reviews, but like, a year behind.

I finally got around to watching this movie, and the quick review is, I loved it. But that’s not why you’re here, is it? You want the long, drawn out, bull shit, filler review. I know, I know. Here it is.

90% of the ooze is steroids.

90% of the ooze is steroids.


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