Category Archives: Movies

I like movies. My reviews will probably contain spoilers. Consider yourself warned.

Hot Tub Time Machine 2

If you’re a fan, you should know by now that the sequel is coming out on February 20th, 2015. Just six days from now. I’m stoked. I watched the trailer just a little while ago, and got so pumped I had to go watch the original again. When I did, I started noticing things I hadn’t noticed before. These things may have already been noticed by you or someone, I’m sure they were. But if not, then maybe I’m pointing something out that others didn’t know. Either way.

First, if you haven’t seen it, check out the trailer for the sequel.

And then I watched the first and immediately realized something. When Adam and Nick go to visit Lou in the hospital, Lou tells them again that he didn’t try to kill himself. But if he had, he’d be excellent at it. “Shotgun to the dick!”

In the trailer for the sequel he gets shot in the dick by a shotgun. Looks like he’s probably the one who did it. To himself.
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Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

As always, I’m on the breaking edge of movie reviews, but like, a year behind.

I finally got around to watching this movie, and the quick review is, I loved it. But that’s not why you’re here, is it? You want the long, drawn out, bull shit, filler review. I know, I know. Here it is.

90% of the ooze is steroids.

90% of the ooze is steroids.


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There Will Be A Tetris Movie

No, this isn’t a joke. I mean, it IS a joke, I’m fucking laughing. But there will seriously be a Tetris movie in the near future. A live action one at that. And by “live action” I mean “99% CGI.”

“Brands are the new stars of Hollywood,” Threshold Entertainment’s Larry Kasanoff says. “We have a story behind ‘Tetris’ which makes it a much more imaginative thing.”

First, brands are the new stars of Hollywood? Sure, if you consider all of the cheap, shameless advertising products get in every film nowadays. Reboots are the new stars, you asshat. In other words, movies from 30 years ago are the new stars.

Second, there better be a story behind the movie, because the game you’re adapting the movie from HAS NO FUCKING STORY. None. There’s no story in place at all. You drop blocks and make solid lines. That’s it. If I ever thought Hollywood had run out of ideas, I was completely wrong, because NOW they’ve fucking run out of ideas.

I’m a writer and I can’t possibly fathom any story that would make sense with Tetris involved unless it was The Wizard 2, or Tetris isn’t the main character or story. There’s no way this is going to be good. I can imagine a movie about something having nothing to do with Tetris or video games in general, and one person walks by an open door and someone is in that room playing the game.
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Ghostbusters, Super Troopers, And More

Well, movie fans, it looks like reboots, at least for the time being, are here for the long haul. Sequels are also being brought in to stave off the reboots of certain films, at least for the time being.

To start, here are some movies reported to be happening that I have thoughts about.

1990s Flatliners is apparently going to get a reboot. Because of course it is. The original, starring Kiefer Sutherland, Julia Roberts and Kevin Bacon was an amazingly good movie. It’s still one of my Kiefer favorites, and it’s a creepy ass movie. If you haven’t seen it, check it out before the reboot comes out. I’m on the fence about whether I want to see the new one or not. The original was so awesome.

flatliners-movie-poster

Disney’s Flight Of The Navigator is also apparently going to be a reboot. An awesome movie from way back in 1986, it starred Joey Cramer, Paul Reubens, Cliff De Young, and a young Sarah Jessica Parker. Again, the original is amazing stuff, but this is a reboot I’ll definitely check out. I’ll always love the original, but a new one could be fun, if nothing else.

Naturally there’s an entire list of reboots and sequels happening that I really don’t want to talk about, because naturally I’m only bringing up those I care about. You can see more by doing a Google search or checking out this site. Now, for updates on the stuff I’ve mentioned before.
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Movie Review: Alien Abduction

Someone or something abducted a great movie, and left us with:

Despite the movie being mediocre at best, it has gained itself a 4 star rating on Netflix. I even gave it that. I had to. I wanted to be extremely generous and give it a 3, but my wife loved it, so I averaged it out and gave it a 4. I can only assume everyone who voted on the movie on Netflix had the same issue.

My only problem with it and movies like it is how they start the movie by saying something to the effect of “This is real stuff.” And then within a minute of terrible “acting,” anything just slightly smarter than a rock can tell that it’s NOT real footage.

You can hate me all you want for this statement, but The Blair Witch Project did a better job at being authentic and portraying real people in a real situation than any found footage movie since. We can also thank those fuckers for starting this found footage epidemic.

Some of them I like. The V/H/S movies were pretty fucking awesome. I actually don’t mind The Blair Witch Project too much. Hell, The Last Broadcast is great, until the end. But now, movies like Alien Abduction are starting to really piss me off.

On IMDB it says about the movie, “…in this thriller based on the real-life Brown Mountain Lights phenomenon in North Carolina.” Okay, I can get behind that. I actually liked the movie to a degree, and if it didn’t try to play me as a fool from the beginning, I would be writing a better review. But at the beginning of the movie it says, “The following is actual leaked footage from the US AIRFORCE…”
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