Category Archives: Movies

I like movies.

Piracy, What A Glamorous Lifestyle

Posted on June 17, 2013 by | Leave a comment

Pirates_of_the_Caribbean_movieI just watched the first Pirates of the Caribbean again for the millionth time in as many weeks, and at the end of the movie I got to a point that I hate. It’s probably my least favorite part, my least favorite line actually, in any of the four movies. It’s been my least favorite line for a long time now and up until now I hadn’t realized why. But then it hit me. Here’s the scene.

Will decides he’s going to risk his life to save Jack’s and Elizabeth steps in and also says she’s with them. Will and Elizabeth announce their love for one another and Jack falls into the ocean. Norrington gives his blessing to Will and says they’ll give Jack a one day head start. And then as he’s walking away, Elizabeth’s dad says to her, “*something something blah blah* He’s a blacksmith.”

And then she says in a romantic, loving way the line that pisses me off, “No. (She pauses here long enough that anybody watching the movie can figure out what’s coming next.) He’s a pirate.” And then they kiss as the music builds and her dad walks away, probably completely pissed off that he can’t do anything about it and his daughter’s a whore.

Here’s why I hate the line. For one, it’s predictable and cheesy. Two, she says it as if it’s a wonderful thing, as if being a pirate is a glamorous life (I guess it is depending on who you ask) and three, no the fuck he isn’t. Neither is she.

Neither one of them are pirates. She’s the Governor’s daughter, born into wealth and the fancier things in life. He’s the son of a pirate, but that means literally nothing. He didn’t grow up as a pirate. In fact, he knows so much about his pirate background and heritage that in the movie he wants to fight Jack for saying his dad was a pirate because *gasp* he didn’t fucking know.

In the movie they say a few times how Barbosa needs Will’s blood and Will mentions how he needs “pirates blood.” No, he doesn’t need “pirate’s” blood, he needs your blood. Whether you’re a pirate or not doesn’t mean shit.

Speaking of that, just because his dad was a pirate doesn’t mean Will’s a pirate. That means nothing. You’re not born into it. My dad was a garbage man, that doesn’t mean I’m one by blood.

So here we have two kids, basically, in their young 20′s who have one crazy adventure with pirates and they decide that they’re going to be pirates. No, they decide that they ARE pirates. What have they pillaged? What have they raped? Who have they killed? Sure they kill a few people in the movies, but they’re all pirates and they’re fighting for their life, for their survival, for their protection. At no point did they sail to a port, get off the boat, kill a bunch of innocent people, rape their families and then steal their money. Hell, they barely drink. Elizabeth drinks rum in the first movie, then burns it and says it is a vile drink. No REAL pirate would do that shit.

These two idiots give up a wonderful life to be pirates when they’re not even good at that. Sure they can swing a sword, but so can the royal navy. Why don’t they join them and not have their lives threatened by the gallows just for being what they are? Because they’re young and dumb.

Even though I love the movie series, I still think it’s rather ridiculous that Disney would make a series of movies showcasing just how wonderful it is to be a pirate. And the movies are for kids, so at least we’re teaching kids that being a pirate is okay. That it is glamorous, that it is funny and fun all the time, and that all pirates are likable people. Because why the fuck not?

Anyway, I probably would have never come up with this shit had that one line not been in the movie. And had that one line not been in the movie I would have had no complaints about it. But it’s just so out of place and bad. Why would they do that? Oh, maybe because of this…

A fun bit of trivia for you. The following scene after that shitfest is where the crew of the Black Pearl throws out a rope to Jack Sparrow in the ocean and they pull him aboard, tell him the ship is his, he looks at his “broken” compass and he says the final line of the movie (which is almost equally as cheesy). The music playing in the background there is called… “He’s A Pirate.” So not only does Elizabeth Swann deliver the worst line in all of the movies, but she also throws out a nod to what’s coming next.

Gag me.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Bitching, Movies

Tagged , , , , , ,

Movie Review: Return To Sleepaway Camp

Posted on June 14, 2013 by | Leave a comment

Sleepaway Camp is my all time favorite horror movie franchise. I saw the first movie when I was a kid, because family movie night was almost always horror movies. Seriously. That explains a lot, actually.

Anyway, Sleepaway Camp was one of the first horror movies I ever got to see, and I loved it. It was also the reason I never wanted to go to summer camp. Not because of Jason, but because of Angela.

This is the reason I never left the house in the summer. My parents only have themselves to blame.

This is the reason I never left the house in the summer. My parents only have themselves to blame.

The first three movies are classics. For those of you who don’t know, the first was made by Robert Hiltzik. The twist ending it had was made of epic. And then nothing happened with any sequels until a few years later when Michael A. Simpson got permission to do some sequels and he put out parts 2 and 3. He even used some of Hiltzik’s original ideas for sequels in his movies.

And then, many many years later we finally get a new sequel written and directed by the original, the creator, Robert Hiltzik. Except he doesn’t recognize parts 2 and 3 as actual Sleepaway Camp movies (even though his ideas were used in those movies), so in his new release “Return To Sleepaway Camp” he shows what happened following the first movie instead of what happened following the third movie. Make sense?

Quite frankly, it pissed me off. I’m a huge fan of the ENTIRE series and think of parts 2 and 3 as successors to the first film. A continuation of the story. “Return” isn’t a continuation of that, and that’s just wrong.

But being a fan of the series and FINALLY having a new Sleepaway movie to watch, I was absolutely fucking stoked to get my copy in the mail and watch it. And then…

Well, it was just so bad that I don’t feel like bitching about it. I just watched The Cinema Snob‘s take on it, and he nails it. Watch this, if nothing else, for the hilarity of The Cinema Snob. And even though he’s funny, everything he says about this movie sucking is true.

Watch his review on his site! (I tried putting the video here but for some reason it wouldn’t appear or play. Fix that Mr. Snob.)

The only thing I would have added is, the soundtrack to the movie sucked. It was too loud in most parts, didn’t fit the movie at all, and was just poorly done all the way around. It was like someone took the background music from another movie and threw it into this one and then cranked up the volume so that everyone knew it was there at all times.

With that said, there’s rumor of two more movies coming out in the franchise, one from Robert Hiltzik which will continue with his time line of events, and one from Michael A. Simpson continuing from his time line of events. That would make this movie franchise TWO movie franchises of the same franchise. Uh… awesome?

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Movies

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Theater Applause

Posted on April 29, 2013 by | 3 Comments

Have you ever been to the theater to watch a movie and it was either so good or so bad that the audience reacted together in unison? I realize saying “together in unison” is sort of repeating myself, just play along.

I’m not talking about gasping or laughing. I’m talking about the movie was so good the audience gave it a round of applause or even a standing ovation at the end. Or it was so bad the audience got up and left at the same time before it was over.

Following my last post I had to watch Freddy vs. Jason because it’s been awhile since I last saw it and it reminded me of when I saw it in the theater, which brings up this post. There will probably be spoilers, but if you haven’t seen these movies yet it’s your own fault.

I’ve been to a lot of movies at the theater, none recently, and of all those times I can only remember two where the movies were so good the audience couldn’t help but applaud at the end.

The first was Batman back in 1989. Before Hollywood decided to put out a new superhero movie every other week for the last few years, we actually had to wait between superhero movies. Our wait was finally over when Michael Keaton slapped on a black rubber suit and showed us all just what a good fucking movie Batman could put out.

Those were the good ol’ days. Keaton as Batman worked, because he was a good Batman. Unlike that Bale fellow who sounded like he had laryngitis as Batman, Keaton dominated the role and made that movie his bitch. Let’s also not forget the stellar performance of the Joker by the legendary Jack mother fucking Nicholson. At least he didn’t kill himself after making the movie. All I’m saying is, if I had to be in a movie with Christian Bale ruining Batman that much, I would’ve killed myself too.

The movie was moving along awesomely, because it was an awesome fucking movie. I don’t recall blinking for 90 minutes because I didn’t want to miss even a nanosecond of it. And then it happened. One of the coolest things ever happens at 1:25 in the video.

When Batman soars up to the moon and uses the Batwing as a make-shift logo, the audience erupted in applause and cheer as if we were all on the street watching Batman take on the Joker first hand and we were giving Batman our approval. The air was electric. I had goosebumps running all over my body. It was awesome.

That electricity continued through the rest of the movie and when it was over, everyone jumped to their feet and applauded the movie. That was one of the coolest moments I’ve ever been apart of, at least as far as watching movies in a theater goes.

The second time it happened was back in 2003 on the first day of showing Freddy vs. Jason. I left work early and caught the very first show. I wasn’t alone, the audience was packed. To this day it was the most people I’ve ever seen at that particular theater for any movie. I’ve been to that place, a Showcase Cinemas, many times and even on Friday and Saturday nights for opening weekend blockbusters the place was always dead. But not on this day at 1 PM in the afternoon on a Friday.

Everyone and their mom showed up. Because like I said in the last piece, everyone had been wanting a Freddy vs. Jason since the dawning of time. And then it happened.

The two titans clashed and everyone was on the edge of their seats, watching with the utmost interest in what was going to happen. Who was going to win? More importantly, who was going to lose?

I’m a Freddy man. I have nothing but respect for Jason, I mean, he’s a total badass. But Freddy is the shit.

We watched and watched until finally the two juggernauts brought each other down blow by blow. And finally there had to be an end to the movie and this is what we got… the answer to our question. Who survived?

As soon as Jason emerged from the water carrying Freddy’s head, half of the place erupted with applause, obviously fans of Jason, while the other half, myself included, booed. That was total bullshit! Say it isn’t so! Freddy slain at the hands of the massive Jason?!

And then it happened, Freddy winks and laughs. The booing half of the audience erupted with cheers and the entire theater jumped up for a standing O. I get chills just thinking about it. Hell, I just rewatched the movie and then, while watching this clip I got chills again.

That’s what a good movie will do for you. Have there been any recently that have caused that sort of emotion from the audience? Have you experienced this in a theater?

→ 3 Comments

Posted in Awesome, Movies

Tagged , , , ,

Movie Franchises

Posted on April 29, 2013 by | 11 Comments

We’re currently in a time when there is almost nothing coming out of Hollywood that hasn’t come out in recent years, regurgitated as someone else’s vision as a “remake”, threatening us with a lack of ideas and a horrible outlook on the future of Hollywood movies.

I say “Hollywood movies” because there are a ton of indy films coming out, for better or worse, that show us that the idea of a unique movie isn’t necessarily dead. But Hollywood is Hollywood, for better or worse, yet sadly in recent years it lays more on the “worse” side of things.

Proof can be found everywhere, from the fact that there are a huge amount of remakes in the works for the coming future such as what this list points out (Dirty Dancing remake? Cause that needs to happen.) and that list only scratches the surface. There’s also the recent Amazing Spider-Man which came out just a couple of years after another Spider-Man franchise ended.

Another way we can tell that Hollywood is running out of ideas is by taking a look at certain movie franchises. This is where someone buys the rights to a movie’s name, and then low-budgets their way through countless sequels that tend to completely ruin the vision started by the original creators.

I found a great website that lists a bunch (not all, for some reason) of movie franchises and what they’ve done as far as box-office totals.

Children Of The Corn

Stephen King has created a monster, only this time it was unknowingly. He wrote the book that inspired the first movie, a tale of kids in a corn field who kill for the God they follow.

This is the first time I’ve seen the trailer and now I’m wondering why I ever watched the movie in the first place. The movie is actually better than the trailer would suggest. Plus there’s a totally awesome sex scene in it where two kids (as far as the movie goes they’re supposed to be under the age of 18) bone sexily… in front of all of the rest of the kids as part of a ritual.

The franchise spun out of control and spawned eight sequels. At some point you’d think that people would just stop going to that fucking corn field. The good news is, there hasn’t been one to come out since 2011. The bad news is, that probably doesn’t mean shit. After all, there was an eight year span between parts seven and eight, with eight apparently being a reboot to the franchise, as if it were needed. Sadly, this franchise shows us that even after a ton of sequels, a remake to the original can still happen. Even Hollywood can’t let a remake go.

Other franchises with sequels that spawned remakes of the original when it wasn’t really needed… Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Evil Dead. Sure there are others, I just refuse to go looking for them. Although I will say this… the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake was a pretty damn good movie and I’m going to give Evil Dead a chance. If Bruce Campbell can give it his blessing (which was probably just good PR on his part) then I can give it a chance.

Police Academy

police-academy

Remember the Police Academy movies? Back in the 80s they were the shit. I, for one, am a fan of the first… oh, FIVE of them. But they didn’t stop there. They went on to put out two more movies, the last which was a direct to video movie and did very poorly, as one might imagine. After all, just how long are these cadets in the academy anyway?

The first movie did an amazing $81 million, while each sequel slowly did worse with the last one only making a whopping $126,247. The good news is, the last one came out in 1994, ten years after the first. It’s been almost 10 years since then, but the bad news is it will most likely be a remake in the near future, after Hollywood has completely remade every movie made up to that point and has no other options other than a Police Academy reboot (or put out a completely unique movie, HA!).

Friday The 13th/Nightmare On Elm Street

Freddy_vs._Jason_movieNow, I’m a huge fan of both franchises, even though I’m a much bigger fan of Freddy Krueger. For those not in the know (you should be beaten), Freddy comes to us from the Elm Street franchise.

Freddy has been the main protagonist/antagonist depending on how you look at him (he’s totally the good guy in my book) for an awesome nine movies while Jason has slashed his way through twelve. The best part about horror movies for me is the inevitable sequel titled something to show it’s the absolute end of the franchise, before having a ton of sequels follow it. Such as Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice (7 movies followed), Friday the 13th part 4: The Final Chapter (8 movies followed), Nightmare On Elm Street 6 titled “Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare” (3 movies followed).

I should also point out that it’s not “Nightmare On Elm Street”, it’s actually “A Nightmare On Elm Street”. Just wanted to throw that out there before someone inevitably corrects me. Moving on…

These two giants are such huge characters that fans had been screaming for a mash up of the two for years. I had just turned a teen when me and my friends were talking about it back in 1993 and there were probably talks about it before then. We finally got our wish, Freddy vs. Jason came out in 2003 and lived up to the hype. It was an amazing movie. So amazing, in fact, that it was the highest grossing movie of either series.

Both have been rebooted (and I refuse to watch either) which goes to show that both will live on. The problem is, while Jason can really be played by anybody since he wears a mask and doesn’t speak, Freddy on the other hand has personality. Robert Englund, who IS Freddy Krueger, wasn’t in the reboot as Freddy. I don’t give a flying fuck if the new guy did a good job or not. Rob IS Fred, period.

Planet Of The Apes

planet-of-the-apesSure you’ve heard of the Planet of the Apes movies, right? They’ve been around since the 60s. They are classic Hollywood. What you might not know, which I didn’t either so don’t feel bad, is that they’ve put out seven movies. And this is proof that it doesn’t matter how new or old a movie is, Hollywood will remake it.

Planet of the Apes came out in 1968 and spawned four sequels. They must have really had nothing to make back then, because the four sequels came out in 1970, 71, 72 and 73. By 1973 the fans didn’t give much of a shit, because each of those sequels also declined in box office totals with each movie, but still for 1973 pulling in almost $9 million wasn’t too shabby.

Everyone forgot about them (except when Mel Brooks made fun of them in Spaceballs) until 2001 when a reboot happened. Everyone rejoiced, but only enough that the franchise was left alone after that. UNTIL 2011 when another movie was put out. So you see, Hollywood has ways to make you think a franchise is finally resting in piece before ruining that dream. It’s never over when Hollywood is in control.

James Bond

bond

I saved the best for last. And by “best” I mean “Bond, James Bond”. I’m not really into James Bond, and I’ll tell you why. I watched “Live And Let Die” once. Once. Typically in a movie the soundtrack is filled with different sounds and songs. Not in this movie. Apparently they had worked out an agreement with Paul McCartney and Wings that the only sound you heard in the movie other than the actors talking would be that song or pieces of it. By the time the movie was over I was so fucking sick of hearing it that I swore I’d never watch James Bond movies again, and I haven’t. Guns N Roses helped to ruin the song as well.

I also have a theory that people continue to put out James Bond movies because of the name alone. Otherwise a spy movie would still be an excellent spy movie because spies do awesome shit with awesome toys. The movie I-Spy was an awesome movie, yet it could have very easily been labeled another Bond film if they wanted to, just because it had spies in it. And it probably would have made more money than it did just by having the Bond name on it.

The fact of the matter is, James Bond is the reigning champ when it comes to a franchise. James Bond has put out an incredible 24 (twenty fucking four) movies since 1963. No other franchise comes close. Friday the 13th is in second place with 12 movies.

Does that sound ridiculous to you? It does to me. To me it sounds like Hollywood has no ideas. This whole list helps to prove that. Sure it’s nice to see your favorite characters having new adventures, but when your favorite character can be played by anyfuckingbody, what’s the point? In those 24 movies, there have been NINE different James Bond’s. If the Batman franchise continues (and it will) they’ll probably come close to that themselves, if not surpass it. Currently there have been five different actors to play Batman in movies, never mind the TV versions.

Despite what Hollywood tells us, more and more of us fans are starting to speak up at the ridiculousness of all of these reboots and sequels. When is enough going to be enough? I’d love to see a movie trailer on TV and think “That looks like a good, original movie!” But I know that won’t happen anytime soon, so I’m not holding my breath.

The fact of the matter is, as long as people keep going to the theater and watching these atrocities, the more Hollywood is going to keep doing this shit. If these reboots stop making them money, they might get the picture.

Get it? “Get the picture”? Never mind.

So people, stop going to see this shit. If you want something unique and original, stand up to Hollywood. Don’t give them the pleasure of ruining the classics for your money. They don’t care about the classics, nor do they care about the not-so-classics. They just want to make money, period. It’s not art to them, it’s money.

So take a stand and do what’s right. Or at the very least wait until it’s out on video before watching it.

→ 11 Comments

Posted in Bitching, Movies

Tagged , , , , ,

Movie Review: Friday The 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan

Posted on March 2, 2013 by | 2 Comments

Friday the 13th Part 8- Jason Takes Manhattan may just be one of the most perfect, most underrated films of all time. The film was directed by Rob Hedden, who has written such masterpieces as The Condemned and Knight Rider 2000. And with those kind of credentials, we already know we are in for heaven in the form of cinema.

FUCK The Grapes Of Wrath. THIS is cinema.

FUCK The Grapes Of Wrath. THIS is cinema.

We start off with a New York City montage, because this is the late 80s, and you DON’T have a full movie in the 80s WITHOUT a string of shots showing how filthy and disgusting New York is. We then go back to Crystal Lake, where of course, a couple is about to fuck on a boat. We have a woman with a sexy ass and a man with even sexier eyes who have to stop making out because the boy has to drop anchor from a boat that is already totally motionless. Then, and I in no way saw this coming at ALL, the anchor somehow tears a power line, which just happens to land on Jason who is wrapped in chains at the bottom of the lake. Then, in a STUNNING example of beautiful writing, the electricity from the cut wire is powerful enough to not only reanimate Jason Voorhees, but it is also enough to break the chains, thus freeing our undead hero.

Continue reading →

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Movies, The Cinema Sadist

Tagged , , , , , ,

I Am The Cinema Sadist

Posted on February 25, 2013 by | 2 Comments

EDITOR NOTE: Ladies and gents, allow me to introduce a good friend of mine who’ll hopefully be blogging on here for a while before fame and fortune take him away to his own blog somewhere far from here. Until then, please welcome in The Cinema Sadist! He’ll be entertaining us with his movie reviews!

Clearly, the average film viewer does not spend too much time thinking. They look at some films with questionable content as “bad” or “unwatchable”. THANKFULLY, I am now here to do that thinking FOR you. In my following writings, I will review films that the masses have written off as films you should miss, for these are my FAVORITE films. Just the idea of watching one of these “bad” movies has me very excited…mmm hmm…VERY excited INDEED. So, if you are like me (and who does not wish to be like ME) and you jerk yourself off to the final scene in the sewer at the end of Friday The 13th Part 8- Jason Takes Manhattan, come by in a few days…in fact, that’s exactly the movie I believe I will start off with. Good day, and remember that Robert Pattinson isn’t a BAD actor…he’s simply just misunderstood.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Movies, The Cinema Sadist

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Movie Review: Pretty Woman

Posted on January 26, 2013 by | 1 Comment
Do they mean Gere or Roberts?

Do they mean Gere or Roberts?

You: “Hey Beefy, didn’t Pretty Woman come out in 1990?”
Me: “Why yes, yes it did.”
You: “Then why in the fuck are you reviewing it now?”
Me: “Because I just now watched it for the first time. Get off my junk.”

First let me start by saying “FUCK YOU, YOU IGNORANT BASTARDS” to IMDB, or the Internet Movie Database for short. I’m not going to describe the site to you if you don’t know what it is, click the link and all will be learned to you.

I wanted that picture above of the Pretty Woman movie poster (or VHS cover, whatever) for this piece and IMDB has it implemented on their site that right clicking on your mouse doesn’t work so that you can’t steal their shit. Every now and then I forget that and I go to their site trying to get an image for something. And every time I can’t get the image from their site, I go to Google Images and LOOKATTHAT! I get it from there, from IMDB. Thank you Google Image Search. Fuck you IMDB.

So I’m watching this movie for the first time and I realized something. Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are very fine actors. Although I did notice something about Gere that I had never noticed before. He looks like someone else.

david-duchovny richard-gere

I see it. And if you don’t, you’ll totally be looking for it the next time you see either man. Although I don’t really see it so much when I watch Duchovny, but definitely when I watch Gere. It’s there. For example…

Richard Duchovny, or David Gere?

Richard Duchovny, or David Gere?

It didn’t take me too long to do that, as I didn’t want to spend too much time on it. I photoshopped Gere’s mouth and eye onto Duchovny’s face. Basically all you have to do is add Gere’s mouth to Duchovny’s face and you get Richard Gere. See it now?

Anyway, I just spent a whole lot of time on something that wasn’t that important. All I know is, I’m not gay but I’d sleep with both of those men. Even at their ages they look tremendous. I hope I can look half that good when I’m half their age. Wait…

So anyway, Julia Roberts is sexy in her own right but she’s not for me. She’s too thin. While she does have some nice legs, I will give her that, she is an extremely beautiful woman with a very pretty smile. Her smile always seems genuine, which isn’t an easy thing to pull off. You either got it or you don’t. She has it.

However, I noticed at the end of the film there was another actress in the movie and I hadn’t even realized it, because she gets very little screen time and she’s basically an unimportant part of the movie. Her name is Amy Yasbeck. And boy oh boy, is she fucking hot.

I'll take a slice of that any day.

I’ll take a slice of that any day.

She’s fucking gorgeous. Top to bottom, she’s not only pretty but she’s got a great body. I’m sure you’ve seen this part of Robin Hood: Men In Tights. I have it burned into my memory.

All of this. Yes.

All of this. Yes.

Tell me that isn’t an amazing picture. You can’t. Because it’s beautiful beyond reason. Is she? Yes, she is on my hot-chicks-who-I’d-totally-bang-hard-list. She’s very near the top. As a matter of fact, if Megyn Price wasn’t ever born, Amy would be the top. True enough.

Amy is from my hometown of Cincinnati, and she was married to amazing funny dude John Ritter, before he died. I’d love to have sex with Amy just so my junk would touch a place that also touched Ritter’s junk. That would rule. Again, not gay.

Now I have to say that if I were Richard Gere, I would’ve totally went after Amy over Julia. But he’s a suave mother fucker, he’s not going to go after a married woman. In the movie (to refresh your memory) Gere’s lawyer is played by Jason “George Costanza” Alexander who happens to be married to Amy Yasbeck. Amy, as I said, has a very brief part. However, Jason’s character goes after Julia’s character to fuck her because as we all know she’s a prostitute. Jason’s character’s dumb ass is FUCKING MARRIED TO AMY FUCKING YASBECK! And he’s trying to score with another woman? The writers and the casting people of that movie were completely off. They should have been fired.

In any case, I enjoyed the movie although I felt entirely way too old when certain things came up, like cell phones were as big as suitcases, and the music was pulled directly off of every 80′s movie ever made. Oh, and as a prostitute she only wanted $300 to stay with him the entire night. Yeah, he’s in a fucking penthouse suite, it must obviously be 1990 if she only wants $300 for an entire night. Horrible prostitute, right? Nope, it was the times.

I’d give this movie 8 of 10 stars because I did enjoy it and it had phenomenal actors in it sans Jason Alexander (who actually did very well in the movie playing a dumbass). Also you get to see Julia’s tits. Small though they may be, it’s still nice to see them. I’d pay good money to see Amy’s. Like $300 for an entire night’s worth. Until then, I leave you again with this.

All of this. Yes.

This is the stuff of wet dreams.

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Movies

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Movie Review: V/H/S

Posted on January 11, 2013 by | 2 Comments

VHS-Movie-Poster-2012A friend of mine (and one of my TWO hair stylists) told me to check this out, so I have. And let me first say that while it started out slow, it turned out to be rather interesting.

This is one of them run-of-the-mill “Blair Witch” type movies, completely shot in POV style and the audience is supposed to think it’s real. Of course nowadays with all of our “Paranormal Activities” and the like, we’re a wiser bunch. But still, there’s something about these types of movies that a lot of people like to watch, that’s why they continue to come out. I’m one of them, personally, although my favorite to this day is “The Last Broadcast.”

This story is set back when VHS tapes dominated the mainstream and when camcorders mostly used them to record. It’s about a set of petty thieves who are hired by someone to retrieve a VHS tape, but they’re not told what’s on it. They’re only told that they’ll know it when they find it.

They get to this old house where only an older man lives and they break in. They soon discover the old man is dead, and he has a shit load of tapes. They begin searching for the right one.

Teach tape they watch shows them fucked up footage of some crazy shit, with each tape getting worse than the previous one. A lot of people are murdered in some fucked up ways, and others are just tortured.

Through most of the movie I was enjoying it in parts, not entirely thrilled with the whole thing, because really, if you don’t know that there’s really no main actor in it and no real story in it, then you’ll be lost through most of it. If you choose to watch this movie, which I suggest you do if you like horror and want to see something a little different and out there, know that it’s basically a collection of stories done by different directors and writers and the petty-thieves story is used to tie them all together. Go into this movie expecting nothing more than a bunch of fucked up short stories that are not really related to one another other than by the fact that they’re all fucked up.

I thoroughly enjoyed it and am glad I sat through the whole thing. By the end of the movie was happy I watched it. It’s good to see this kind of stuff being made and I hope there’s more of it in the future.

I give this movie 9 of 10 stars.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Movies

Tagged , , , , , ,

Dumb And Dumber 2

Posted on November 8, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Ladies and gentlemen, the long wait for a sequel to one of the funniest movies of all time is finally going to happen! And I for one couldn’t be happier!

I’m sorry, let me rephrase that last bit. Ladies and gentlemen, the long wait for a sequel to one of the funniest movies of all time WAS going to happen, but then Jim Carrey pulled the plug on it. And I for one, well, I’m not sure.

The movie, which would have been an actual sequel and not a prequel (Dumb And Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, 9/10 stars from me, by the way) was set to be called “Dumb And Dumber To“. I dig the name, because typically people who didn’t learn a thing in school still use “to” when meaning “too”. Unless they meant to spell out “two” in the name but got that wrong, then I’m wrong in assuming. Either way, it’s not happening now anyway.

For starters, this pissed me off because Jim Carrey refused to do sequels to his movies. Note: “TO HIS MOVIES”, otherwise Batman Forever wouldn’t have happened for him. The only reason he did Ace Ventura 2 was because he was contractually obligated.

So what does this mean? It means that at some point, Dumb And Dumber To was going to happen, meaning that he was fine with it, meaning that he went back on his own word. Why is that? Age getting to him? Lack of decent jobs that live up to the caliber of his earlier work getting to him? Or was he just jumping on the bandwagon of all the older classics having new sequels and he wanted to be a part of it for some unknown reason? No matter which one it was, it makes him look weak and pathetic.

And then, in a moment of what was most likely self-doubt, he said he no longer wanted to do Dumb And Dumber To, only he blamed it on lack of a studio interest. This makes him look even weaker and more pathetic.

“Why won’t someone write a decent script for Ace Ventura 3?! PLEASE! I need SOMETHING!”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Jim Carrey fan and would LOVE to see Dumb And Dumber To. Even if it makes him look like a bitch for going back on his own word. I’d love to see an Ace Ventura 3. But I don’t need them. I don’t think they need to happen. But still, to have another awesome funny movie from one of this generations most funny men? That would be cool to see.

Still though, I’m pissed. I’m pissed at him for going back on his word and looking like a douche, and I’m mad at him for going back on his going back to keep the movie from happening. Jim, make up your fucking mind and just do SOMETHING worthwhile.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Bitching, Movies

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 5

Posted on November 5, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Now that I think about it, this would have been a great Halloween article, but as usual I’m late. Anyway, this contains some spoilers just like most of my shit does, so keep that in mind.

Now, if you’ve been following my movie reviews and my outlook on the Wrong Turn series, you’ll know that I have high hopes for this fifth film. So far, the movies have gotten better with each new addition, and the fourth movie was by far the best of the group.

I’m not sure if this is Wrong Turn 5 or Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines because the advertisements for the movie show “Bloodlines” but the beginning of the movie only says “Wrong Turn 5″, so I just went with what the movie told me. Although now that I look it up I find that it was supposed to be called Wrong Turn 5: Bloodbath, but they decided to go with “Bloodlines”, which they didn’t even use at the beginning of the movie.

This one started off pretty good. A naked chick getting boned by her boyfriend is always a good thing to see, especially at the beginning of the movie. But what’s that? They’re going to get killed right away? No, it’s just their stupid college aged friends scaring them. But they are dressed up to look like the cannibalistic family from the Wrong Turn series. Why is that? We’ll get to that.

Then we go to the main town where there are a ton of people dressed up like the demented family. A news reporter is doing a report, a.k.a. “filling us in” on the setup of the movie. Basically, there’s a festival that goes on in this town every year on Halloween. It’s billed as being the size of Lollapalooza and it’s called the Mountain Men Festival. Bands come and party while everyone has a good time dressed up like mountain men.

The college crew is there for the festival and they have their costumes made out. There’s only one problem. The acting and the writing are not good. The news reporter doesn’t even sound like a news reporter while she’s giving the report. She just sounds like a dumb bitch. She then goes out for a jog, and appropriately wears an all yellow jump suit. An all yellow clad reporter? April O’Neil much?

She dies pretty good, but then her death is followed up with a bad, bad line. The guy who kills her also chops off her hand, and when the famous murdering family comes back to him he says, “Give me a hand.”

One of the deformed family members picks up her hand and holds it out to him. When that isn’t good enough, he shrugs and tosses it aside.

Now remember, these are cannibals. Throwing her hand aside is wasting food. So far, not impressed.

Back to the camping group (the one with the fucking couple at the beginning) you have your typical cast. They look like a bunch of preppies, but you still have the one stoner guy with all of the goods (pot, shrooms, X) and the guitar-playing/long-haired guy. While the latter is telling the background of the festival they’re participating in he seems like he’s trying too hard to be Adam Goldberg from Dazed and Confused.

Here we’re introduced to a whole new backstory on the crazy hill family. In 1814 the town was founded. In 1817 the hill people were pissed at the miners in the town and there was a blood bath as the hill people killed all the miners. No bodies were found (because the hill people are cannibals). So every year on Halloween they have a huge party dedicated to the mountain men.

The movie makes it sound like this party has been going on for a long time, yet this is the first we’ve ever heard about it, five movies in. Also, at the very beginning of the movie they would have you believe that after the slaughter in 1817 nobody has ever lived in that town since, yet when they show the festival happening, it’s going on in a modern day small mountain town.

Now I discover what I found out last year. The movie is taking place after the last one happened, and isn’t current. So basically, everyone in the last movies should have known about the festival.

Anyway, some shit goes down and a cop meets his end. He should have pulled his gun and fired, but he didn’t. Bad play, bad writing, but his death was fun to watch, so that adds up to something, right?

Horrible name drop, “Officer, I think I made a WRONG TURN”, after the entire power is shut off to the town (yet the bands are still playing at the festival). Also, we’re supposed to believe this is a small town (the set the town is made of LOOKS like a movie set) yet their power station that gets raided and shut down looks completely modern and way too big for a small town like this.

Another problem with the movie is, our college friends and the Sheriff in town are basically the only people in this movie who are murdered. Never mind that there is a crowd there of so many thousands of people, but our hill friends can only find the college kids and the Sheriff to go after. This is sort of nice though, as everyone in the movie gets killed, and I’m always fan of that. But I already knew it would happen this way because this movie isn’t in current time, so naturally everyone has to die. That’s the rule. (If you watch the movies in order of time frame you’d watch them in this order, 4,5,1,2,3.)

Camilla Arfwedson plays the Sheriff. I only point this out because I just watched an excellent porn with a chick in it that looks just like her… Hmmm…

The Sheriff also keeps saying how her night is going to only get worse, or how all of this has happened and it’s only the beginning of the night, implying that because of the festival going on and the huge crowd of people there that she’s in for a busy night. Yet for the most part, her night is relatively light. Also, with a crowd of people that big, wouldn’t there have been more police brought in to handle it? Instead, it’s just her and her few deputies. And she stays at the station the entire film.

I could go on and on pointing out the bad shit in this movie, but I’ll leave it for you to discover.

The second half shows some pretty decent murders and some twisted torturing, but other than that all of the bad shit in this movie (I could seriously write an entire list) made it pretty bad, especially considering how great the last four movies have been.

The special effects in this movie go from sort of bad to really awesome, so it seems that they spared their funds for the big stuff while cutting it for the little stuff.

At first I was going to say the first movie was more enjoyable than this one, but then I finished the movie and decided that this one is more enjoyable than the first. Now that I think back on it, I’ll have to say they tie for the worst in the series.

It does have one really good quality to it and that is, the death scenes are all on par with the grizzly death scenes from the other movies, so at least it has that going for it.

Now I’m hoping for a sixth movie, and I hope it goes back to being awesome like the second through fourth were. If not, then I’ll just give up on the series and continue to enjoy the second through the fourth films.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Movies

Tagged , , ,