Category Archives: Movies

I like movies. My reviews will probably contain spoilers. Consider yourself warned.

There Will Be A Tetris Movie

No, this isn’t a joke. I mean, it IS a joke, I’m fucking laughing. But there will seriously be a Tetris movie in the near future. A live action one at that. And by “live action” I mean “99% CGI.”

“Brands are the new stars of Hollywood,” Threshold Entertainment’s Larry Kasanoff says. “We have a story behind ‘Tetris’ which makes it a much more imaginative thing.”

First, brands are the new stars of Hollywood? Sure, if you consider all of the cheap, shameless advertising products get in every film nowadays. Reboots are the new stars, you asshat. In other words, movies from 30 years ago are the new stars.

Second, there better be a story behind the movie, because the game you’re adapting the movie from HAS NO FUCKING STORY. None. There’s no story in place at all. You drop blocks and make solid lines. That’s it. If I ever thought Hollywood had run out of ideas, I was completely wrong, because NOW they’ve fucking run out of ideas.

I’m a writer and I can’t possibly fathom any story that would make sense with Tetris involved unless it was The Wizard 2, or Tetris isn’t the main character or story. There’s no way this is going to be good. I can imagine a movie about something having nothing to do with Tetris or video games in general, and one person walks by an open door and someone is in that room playing the game.
Continue reading

Ghostbusters, Super Troopers, And More

Well, movie fans, it looks like reboots, at least for the time being, are here for the long haul. Sequels are also being brought in to stave off the reboots of certain films, at least for the time being.

To start, here are some movies reported to be happening that I have thoughts about.

1990s Flatliners is apparently going to get a reboot. Because of course it is. The original, starring Kiefer Sutherland, Julia Roberts and Kevin Bacon was an amazingly good movie. It’s still one of my Kiefer favorites, and it’s a creepy ass movie. If you haven’t seen it, check it out before the reboot comes out. I’m on the fence about whether I want to see the new one or not. The original was so awesome.

flatliners-movie-poster

Disney’s Flight Of The Navigator is also apparently going to be a reboot. An awesome movie from way back in 1986, it starred Joey Cramer, Paul Reubens, Cliff De Young, and a young Sarah Jessica Parker. Again, the original is amazing stuff, but this is a reboot I’ll definitely check out. I’ll always love the original, but a new one could be fun, if nothing else.

Naturally there’s an entire list of reboots and sequels happening that I really don’t want to talk about, because naturally I’m only bringing up those I care about. You can see more by doing a Google search or checking out this site. Now, for updates on the stuff I’ve mentioned before.
Continue reading

Movie Review: Alien Abduction

Someone or something abducted a great movie, and left us with:

Despite the movie being mediocre at best, it has gained itself a 4 star rating on Netflix. I even gave it that. I had to. I wanted to be extremely generous and give it a 3, but my wife loved it, so I averaged it out and gave it a 4. I can only assume everyone who voted on the movie on Netflix had the same issue.

My only problem with it and movies like it is how they start the movie by saying something to the effect of “This is real stuff.” And then within a minute of terrible “acting,” anything just slightly smarter than a rock can tell that it’s NOT real footage.

You can hate me all you want for this statement, but The Blair Witch Project did a better job at being authentic and portraying real people in a real situation than any found footage movie since. We can also thank those fuckers for starting this found footage epidemic.

Some of them I like. The V/H/S movies were pretty fucking awesome. I actually don’t mind The Blair Witch Project too much. Hell, The Last Broadcast is great, until the end. But now, movies like Alien Abduction are starting to really piss me off.

On IMDB it says about the movie, “…in this thriller based on the real-life Brown Mountain Lights phenomenon in North Carolina.” Okay, I can get behind that. I actually liked the movie to a degree, and if it didn’t try to play me as a fool from the beginning, I would be writing a better review. But at the beginning of the movie it says, “The following is actual leaked footage from the US AIRFORCE…”
Continue reading

Movie Review: Turbo

Last night my wife wanted to watch the Dreamworks movie, Turbo, so I thought I’d review it. Sure, it came out last year, but I recently wrote a review of Pretty Woman, so at least I’m getting closer to NOW with this review.

turbo-movie-poster

The movie is about a snail who wishes he could drive a race car. He’s in love with the best race car guy alive at the time, who happens to be French and named “Guy.”

I get that this movie is a cartoon and fiction. But let’s take a look at some things that don’t make much sense.

First of all, he’s a snail. But he operates a TV AND drinks out of a can of soda with a straw. How did he do all that? The straw was two straws stuck together so that they’d reach into the can of soda and down to his mouth. How did he do any of that? He’s a fucking snail.

Second, after he gets juiced, literally, he then takes on all the characteristics of a car. He has lights, an alarm, a stereo. None of that makes sense and it’s unnecessary. It’s only for laughs, of which they got none from me cause I was too busy trying to figure out how the hell any of that would have happened.
Continue reading

Daily Prompt: Missing Sequels

If you could create a sequel to one favorite (standalone) movie, which would it be? How would it build on the original?

I’ve thought, for a very long time, about my favorite movie and how I would have loved for a sequel to come out for it. But, I’ve always wondered, what exactly the sequel would entail. Because at the end of the original, it’s over. Sure there’s a story after it, but it’s not movie worthy, and my favorite movie was a great movie. Its sequel would have to be great for it to work, or it wouldn’t, which is why I’m glad they never made one. BUT, if they could have…

flashback-poster

I still really don’t know what the sequel would be about, and I still think about it every now and then. Especially after I watch the movie and the two main characters ride off in their respective sunsets. What happens then? Where are they going? What are they going to do? Personally, I’d love to see their stories following Flashback, but they wouldn’t be movie worthy.

If you haven’t seen Flashback, which I strongly suggest you do, there will be spoilers to it here.
Continue reading