Delivery Tales: Ordering Pizza For Delivery

I always thought getting pizza delivered to you was a simple procedure. And really, it is. But over the years that I’ve been delivering pizza, I’ve noticed that some people just don’t get it. And if you can’t get this, I can only imagine what the rest of your worthless life is like.

Here’s a handy go-to guide to help you order pizza for delivery. If you stray from this, you’re either a fucking idiot, a fucking asshole, or both. Neither isn’t an option.

Here’s the quick list.

1. Call the pizza place or order online if they offer it.
2. Give them your info. Name, phone number, address.
3. Give them your order.
4. Wait. If it’s at night, turn on your porch light.
5. Pay the driver, tip the driver.
6. Enjoy your food.

That’s pretty fucking easy, right? Apparently not.

Continue reading


Have You Given A Fuck Lately?


Movie Review: Orphan

Recently I found out one of my favorite Stephen King novels, “Cell,” is going to be made into a movie starring John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson. They once starred together in another Stephen King adaptation of “1408.” I also saw a young actress playing the part of “Alice” and wondered who she was. The actress is Isabelle Fuhrman, and I had not seen her in anything, except for “The Hunger Games” as “Clove” although I fell asleep right after it started. But I noticed on her profile on IMDB that she was in a movie called (SURPRISE) “Orphan” and it looked good enough that I thought I’d give it a watch.



You should know by now I’m all about spoilers, so expect them.

First of all, this movie reminded me quickly of “The Good Son” with Macaulay Culkin and Elijah Wood. Except “Orphan” was good.

Seriously, I was 13 when I went to the theater to see “The Good Son” and when Macaulay said to Elijah, “Don’t fuck with me.” I wanted to walk out. The only way Macaulay could have ever been scary is if he promised to straighten himself out and continue his career by first revitalizing the “Home Alone” franchise. No fucking thanks. There’s a reason Elijah still has a great career and Macaulay doesn’t, and drugs ain’t it. Well okay, drugs is one of the bigger reasons.

BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, you little shit? Elijah should have climbed back up that rope and beat the fuck out of him. On to something better.

She's a pretty good little psychopath.

She’s a pretty good little psychopath.

“Orphan” is about a rich married couple who has two children. They would have had three, but the last one died before it was born. So now they want to adopt. They go to the orphanage to pick out a new child and CCH Pounder helps them to find one. CCH, for those of you who don’t know, is an amazing actress who was in one of my all time favorite movies, “Demon Knight.”

At one point while the main characters were walking around their very nice, most likely very expensive house, my wife asked me why it is these movies always show people living in the posh estates and not in a trailer or something. I told her I appreciated seeing rich people having bad shit happen to them. It makes me feel like we’re not that different, they and I.

The parents discover little Esther painting some really good stuff. They talk to her, decide they like her and take her home. And then, naturally, shit hits the fan. She starts destroying the family from the inside. Slowly, methodical, devious. And then she starts killing people, like CCH Pounder, whom she bludgeons to death with a hammer. It’s actually a pretty nasty scene, too. She doesn’t just hit her a couple of times, she really goes to town on her. It was so bad my wife said she couldn’t watch any more. Then again, my wife sort of is a pussy.

With that said, here’s the scene.

Then she does more bad stuff but the mom had caught on to her, only the family wasn’t believing her. The son knew and the daughter knew, but both were too scared of Esther to say anything, even though the mom made it clear she knew something was wrong. The dad, on the other hand, was a fucking douche and it’s a good damn thing he was murdered violently. It looked like he suffered through a lot of pain as well, which is good.

With that said, here’s the scene.

Some bad moves on the parts of the characters in the movie, which one should expect when watching a horror movie. Those moments when you’re all “What the fuck are you doing, dumbass?! Don’t go in there! GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT! Fuck I hope you die.” And then you applaud when they die. Yeah, quite a few moments in there. Otherwise, pretty good movie. Not nearly enough deaths, but that’s something I’ll just never really be happy with, so I’m used to it. But at least the deaths we get out of this movie are pretty awesome.

I give this movie 4 of 5 stars. Or 8 of 10, if you need that kind of rating.

Work At McDonald’s! Get Paid To Be An Asshole!

I love the internet and blogs. If it weren’t for them I’d be stuck calling businesses who pissed me off and yelling at management until I got free stuff snail mailed to me, like coupons and what not. I used to do that shit all the time back in the day, before I was able to get online. And most of the times I wouldn’t even let them send me shit. I’m not one of those people. All I want is for them to hire competent employees. Is that too much to ask? If you’re getting paid, do the fucking job. I don’t care how terrible the job is. If you’re accepting money for it, do the fucking job.

And let me tell you, customer service isn’t hard to get. Seriously. I fucking hate customer service because customers are idiots most of the time, but I’m fucking excellent at customer service. Because it’s not hard. And it pisses me off that I am considering how much I hate customers. It’s the best job for me and it blows.

Regardless, companies who hire morons need to hear about it. I was once an integral part in the closing of a Taco Bell, because I called not only their store, but their main HQ to complain about their shit. All of it. No matter how little or big. It got to be a game for me. Wanna fuck with my shit? I’m paying you for your service. If you cannot give me the service you were hired to give, uh, fuck you.

So now that I am online, I don’t have to call. No, I just come onto my blog here and bitch away. I find it’s much more soothing. Plus, I get to warn the tens of people who read this where not to go should they find themselves in the area. With that said, here we go.

I swear to whatever holy being you believe in that McDonald’s goes out of their way to hire the worst humans on the planet. Over the years I’ve had their employees, at many different locations, do something to piss me off for really no reason at all other than they’re idiots who value their own lives so little that they have to make everyone else suffer.

I thought I was used to it. I know what to expect at McDonald’s. Nothing good, and a lot of it. A place where their food containers give more of a shit about my experience than the mouth breathing employees they pay to work at their stores.

Recently my wife and I had an issue with one McDonald’s in particular that unfortunately we go to from time to time. We stopped in and ordered a couple of double cheeseburgers. That’s like, some of the simplest things they could make, right? How do you fuck up easy stuff? Leave it to them.

One of my wife’s double cheeseburgers had no meat on it. Someone made it and somehow forgot to put the main fucking ingredient on it. Her second burger had a long hair in it. I guess to make up for the lack of meat in the first one.

She called to complain and was told we should go see the manager when she got off of work and we would be given a free breakfast. More product. Fuck giving our money back, right? We were told to see the manager, Connie, and she would hook us up.

When we got there we asked to see the manager, Connie. It turned out to be an older woman who I’ve dealt with many times, and she’s always a delight to deal with, in the way an Imperial Siege Tank driving slowly back and forth through your ass would be.

Don't tense up. That'll only make it worse.

Don’t tense up. That’ll only make it worse.

Connie helped us, and as per usual it was reluctantly and seemed to be an absolute bother.

Well, this morning I stopped in to get breakfast. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but I knew what I was getting into. And hooray for me, she was working. Let me start at the beginning.

I pulled up to the drive-through speaker and placed my order. When I was done I then remembered I wanted a couple of cups of ranch for dipping whatever I had into it. You know, it helps the food go down. So I tacked that onto the order and I saw on the drive-through screen where the girl taking my order had put it on the order, although it only said ranch dipping sauce and the price showed 0.00. I knew that wasn’t right, because they’re 25 cents a piece. I pulled around and paid at the first window, then I pulled up to the second window and discovered Connie there. Yay.

This is a woman who, one night, apologized for the long delay in getting my order to me. Fourteen minutes, actually. She said it was because she had to make fresh fries. Apparently growing the potato was the first step. I would have taken old fries.

After just a moment she finally opens the window with my bag in her hand, hands it to me rather quickly and then starts to close the window before I can even think to say anything. I finally caught her and asked her for some ketchup. Her body language showed me she had a gun to her head all night and my request for ketchup had just helped her decide to pull the trigger. Oh man, I’m sure she wished death upon my unborn children.

When she turned to get the ketchup I searched my bags contents for the ranch and found none. When she opened the window again to hand me the ketchup I then said how I’d like two cups of ranch. She looked away from me and said “I’m going to have to charge you for them.”

No shit. NO FUCKING SHIT. Thank you for telling me, I was unaware that I had to pay for product from a business. Especially one hellbent on making all the money.

I responded with, “Yeah, that’s fine, but I had ordered it and I saw it on the screen back there…” and before I was done saying that she cut me off and said, “Yes, but she didn’t charge you for it.”

Oh? So you saw it on the order. You know I ordered it. You must know I wanted it just by that fact alone. Yet when you handed me the bag you were intent on closing that window and going about your business without saying anything to me about the ranch. You were going to let me leave and go to my destination only to discover what I ordered wasn’t in the bag. Instead of saying, “Hey, I know you wanted ranch but she didn’t charge you for it. If you’d still like the ranch it will cost 25 cents per cup.” She could have even said, “I didn’t put your ranch in there because she didn’t charge you. Would you still like it? It will only be 50 cents.”

The entire problem here isn’t that I didn’t pay for it, it’s that HER EMPLOYEE didn’t charge me for it. She put it on the order. My job at that point was done. Her employee fucked up, not me.

“Yes, but she didn’t charge you for it.”

I responded with, “I understand that but I still want the ranch, that’s why I ordered it. I’ll pay for it.” Holy shit, she emptied the clip. She turned around and got the ranch and when she came back to the window she opened it and handed me the ranch without looking at me. I gave her a dollar bill and sped off. Thank god we went through all of that shit. Now their location won’t close and they can pay their utility bills. And since I paid double for the ranch, maybe they’ll be able to put some away for a rainy day.

I know some people say how you don’t know everybody’s story. You don’t know what made them that way. Maybe they had a horrible life. Maybe they just had a horrible day. Well, I fucking hope so. Let’s not forget she’s apparently a manager. And I don’t care how horrible your life is, don’t take it out on those not responsible for it. I didn’t make your life suck so much that you had to work at a McDonald’s in your old age. Don’t take it out on me.

McDonald’s, I had it with your shit many years ago. I truly don’t want to eat at your stores any more than your employees want to do their jobs or give decent customer service. But you know what? Unfortunately I’ll keep eating at your stores, so unfortunately you’ll have to attempt decent customer service. Lucky for me you have a store on every corner, so I can just pick and choose until I find which ones I’ll suffer at the least.

PS – When your Brentwood, OH location burned down I laughed. And dammit all, you rebuilt that fucker.

PPS – Come to think of it, pretty much every fast food place on that road sucks. Waffle House is your best bet. Seriously.

I Saved Money On This Blog Post

My wife and I were on our way home when she mentioned she wanted to stop at Walgreens for some stuff. We were about to be near a CVS before the Walgreens so I said something about stopping there instead. She said no, because she doesn’t like CVS and prefers Walgreens. I’m the same way. In my head I thought about why I liked Walgreens over CVS. For one, they don’t have a shoppers card. That’s a huge bonus for me. I can’t stand those fucking things.

We stopped and did our shopping. We reached the register and the cashier asked us if we had their shoppers card. I literally said, “Son. Of. A. Bitch.”

All the stores have them now. All of them. And their purpose is simple. When you get one you give them all of your info. Your name, address, phone number, email address. They store your info in a huge database with all of the other info from all of the other shoppers. The stores then discount certain products for card holders specifically, so that when you shop you have to use the card. When you use the card, the store sees just what it is you came to them for. So now they not only know what you like to buy, but how much you buy it and where you bought it. So whatever money they lost on giving you a little savings pays for itself by all of the data they collected from you, which will help them to market their products to not just you, but everybody else who bought that item and used their savings card.

I don’t know why some pussy would post a video of Bill Burr censored, but whatever. He says “fuck” a lot, and why not? He’s talking about stuff that pisses him off. It’s hard to convey anger when you don’t cuss. And not cussing p!$$#s me the f#&k off.

Before the savings card came out you would sometimes get asked for a phone number. Some stores still do that, or ask for your zip code. They’re basically trying to figure out where all of their shoppers come from. If they get enough people from one area, they might open a store there. That’s fine and good. My problem is exclusively with the savings card.

If everybody has one, that makes the card pretty much pointless on a savings level, doesn’t it? You’d think the general population would have figured this out by now, but since the general population is a bunch of fucking sheep I can see why we as a people still allow this shit to go on.

Ever since the current depression started stores obviously started losing business. They had to figure out a way to continue getting customers and making money, so they started having sales. Restaurants started putting more on their dollar menus, or creating dollar menus if they didn’t have one before. Some pizza places around here created half orders of things so that you could get what you used to love, but for less.

Grocery stores decided to give you a little plastic card that would help you save more money from their “already low everyday low prices.” Well if their prices are so fucking low already, why would they want to help you save even more to the point of anger?

True story. I stopped in a grocery store just a couple of years ago to pick something up for my boss at the time. This is when I worked in a butcher shop and we were making something that called for celery, yet we were out. So I went to the store. This particular store isn’t one I shop at ever, since there isn’t one near me. Even if there was I wouldn’t shop at it because they suck. It had been something but changed to a Main Street Market, and when I made this particular visit it was right after the change over.

When I went to the register with my celery the lady at the register asked me if I had their shoppers card. I said no. She asked me if I wanted one. I said no. She rolled her eyes, huffed, and walked away. She went to the customer service desk, dug around, found the managers card, brought it back to her register and scanned it for me. She had an attitude the rest of the time I was there, which wasn’t long. That was the last time I ever shopped there out of lack of necessity. So for one, getting a shoppers card for there would have been pointless on my behalf, and two, fuck her. What is she, the owner of the corporation? What is she doing running a register in Fairfield, OH on Patterson? They can’t be THAT short staffed. Otherwise and more likely, if she’s just a cashier, why the fuck did she care that much? Why did it ruin her day?

And what is the big deal if I saved that extra money? The store wanted to not make money that badly? They can’t possibly want to make less money. And by her using the managers card, it told her nothing about me or my shopping habits, even though my shopping habits at that point, and to this day, was one bag of celery. But it was that fucking important that a savings card be scanned. It was that important that I spend less money. It ruined her day, and I’m glad it did. Fuck her.

Also, fuck every major chain store. Fuck them. Walmart doesn’t have a savings card because they’ve overrun the world with their stores and their products, so they don’t need to have one. Everyone else though can suck a fat one. I’m so fucking sick of this shit.

Everything is on sale, all the time. You know what? I want to pay regular price again. If everything is on sale all the time, then those are the regular prices, thus making everything not on sale. Are you understanding what I’m saying? If everything is on sale all the time, then there’s no reason to have a regular price anymore. And if there’s no need for a regular price and the only price is the sale price, then the sale price turns into the regular price, thus making everything not on sale, just cheaper than it used to be.

I’m so sick of bargains and sales and savings cards. I want to shop at a mom and pop store and pay regular price. Not just to support them and their business, but because I feel dirty now. I feel cheap.

I went to a UDF last summer when they introduced their new savings card. UDF, for those of you who don’t live in Cincinnati (up until recently I thought they were a national chain, but I was wrong) UDF stands for United Dairy Farmers and they specialize in, ahem, dairy. Milk and ice cream specifically. They’re a hot spot for ice cream related products. I like them. They have a peanut butter milk shake that I’d slaughter babies for. But now they sell gas at most locations (and have for a while) and even more, they now have a savings card.

When they started advertising their card they said, “Never pay full price for gas again!” Thanks, but I haven’t for a long time. Because you’re late to the party, other gas stations already do this. I shop at Kroger and use my savings card. When I get enough points, I use my card at their gas station to save money at the pump. Or I can use it at another gas station company to save money at the pump. Or I can shop at another grocery store and use their savings card to earn points to save money at yet another gas station.

Are the oil companies aware of this shit?

Are the oil companies aware of this shit?

But it was when I saw that, their advertisement saying I should never pay full price for gas again, that pissed me off. Why? What’s so wrong with paying full price? We used to do it all the time not that fucking long ago. And it was no big deal. Because, as you’re well aware, when you want something you have to pay for it. There’s no shame in that. That’s how things have worked for many many years.

If a store really truly wants you to save money by shopping with them, they’ll lower their prices, no savings card needed. Even then they still didn’t lose money. If they dropped the price of cereal by ten cents a box, somewhere across the store they’d raise the price of malted milk balls by ten cents a box. They still made their money. But hopefully by you coming in to save money on the cereal, you did the rest of your shopping there thus giving them your full business.

Nobody takes less money for something on purpose, unless you go to some vendor and haggle the price down. If you go to buy a new car and talk them down in price, they might come down a little, but only because the price they SHOULD be selling the car for is what they’ll finally give you, not because they’re nice and decided to make less money on it.

Do you get it? They’re not here to help us out, they’re here to swindle the shit out of us. And they’re doing it under the guise of giving us more savings. Ever wonder why your favorite store continues to grow and build new locations if they’re making less money? Oh, they’re making their money. You might be spending less, but you’re losing something else by continuously falling for their shit. Your soul and your dignity. But I’m sure you parted with those years ago.

As for me, fuck them all. I can’t do it. The worst part about the Walgreens experience was, my wife decided to take the fucking card and then when she had to give the information, she gave MY information. Now my name and phone number are associated with the card. Awesome. And we didn’t even save money on our purchase today. Isn’t that just a swift kick in the balls?

I have more shoppers discount savings cards in my wallet than I have money. Kroger, Subway, Speedway, UDF, Walgreens, CVS… When will it end? Will we ever pay full price again? I’m kind of sick of saving money.

Daily Prompt: Good Fences?

Who are your neighbors? Are you friends with them, barely say hi, or avoid them altogether? Tell us a story — real or invented — about the people on the other side of your wall (or street, or farm, or… you get the point). (I’m really late in posting this, but whatever.)

This is all true.

I live in what could be considered a ghetto. It’s not too terrible, but it’s not paradise. I like it though, my street is nice and is the last good street in the neighborhood. On one side of me is an older man who has lived there his entire life. His parents built the house, he was born there, he grew up there, he now owns it. He has lived there by himself for at least my entire life. I’m 34. He’s my moms age, 59, and to be honest he looked 59 when I was a kid. I thought he was almost 80 now.

He loves birds and rabbits. Every other animal can go to hell. He kills neighborhood cats because they kill his rabbits and birds. Once he offered me a squirrel pie. He wasn’t joking, and I regret not trying it.

He’s never been married that I know of, never had any kids. His only family that I know of only comes to visit him on the holidays, sometimes. One year they came around Christmas time and only visited for a half hour. They came from halfway across the United States for that visit.

He likes to talk to the mailman, as long as it’s the regular guy. Every day the mail is delivered, he’s out there at 4 o’clock talking to the mailman. Rain or shine.

I like that he lives there. He’s nice, hardly ever bothers me, he keeps an eye on the neighbors next to him and fills me in on any suspicious activity. There hasn’t been for a while. Not since the drug lords moved out.

The drug lords had lived there for quite some time. They were fun. One time my neighbor found a used condom in his yard, next to their driveway. He later found out the woman there was prostituting herself out (the next people to move in there, the woman in that relationship was also doing the same).

My neighbor used to tell me how he’d watch this big car back into the driveway late at night. Some people would come out of the house and put big black garbage bags full of something in the trunk of the car. They’d leave. A few minutes later they’d come back with an empty trunk and do it again.

When they got busted finally, it came out they were the third largest weed dealer in Cincinnati…


… and they had a meth lab in their basement.

The couple who moved in after them in which the lady was a prostitute… they’d steal from their neighbors on the other side of them, which was 3 houses down from me. A nice, very old white couple who have lived there for centuries. The old man still gets out every day in nice weather and makes stuff out of wood. He wheels his power tools and table saws out into the driveway and makes stuff to sell. They grow tomatoes in their back yard and sell them too. The prostitute lady would sneak over there and steal tomatoes.

I don’t know much about the neighbors farther down that way, other than the guy in the first house on our street, but I’ll get to him. On the other side of me is a nicer lady, also older but probably also my moms age. She lives there alone, but she does have kids. At least one daughter that I know of. She’s just the most recent neighbor in a long line of neighbors who have lived in that house since I was a kid.

The first was an older lady my grandmother really liked. She lived there for a long time and eventually died. The next neighbor was a gay man. We don’t know if he was gay, I don’t think he was, but my grandmother was convinced. She said to me once when it was just me and her talking, and of course she had to whisper it as if he would hear us, that she noticed he had a guy friend come over to visit and he would always stay the night. We’re talking about the neighbor, a single guy living in a house. Yeah, guys never have buddies come over for a night of drinking and watching the game and the buddy ends up passing out there and leaving in the morning. That NEVER happens.

Then again the neighbor guy would come over to borrow a cup of sugar and then later come back with a pie he baked himself. So maybe he was gay. My grandmother wondered once what his sheets looked like. I don’t know why, but that always made me laugh. Other than the gay thing which is no deal to me one way or the other, he was a nice guy and never bothered us negatively.

After him was a lady who was a pain to live next to. She was always up in our business. I had to buy a new car once cause my previous one was totaled. While it was parked outside she walked out and around my car checking it out. She had kids who were my age but were almost never home. The daughter was whoring herself out and often came home in the car of some other dude and she was always trashed on something.

On the other side of that house and on up I’m not really sure about the people who live on the street. They all keep to themselves like the rest of us, which is nice.

On the opposite side of the street is a field, which is really nice for the view and the quiet. I’ve been hearing for many years how Section 8 housing was going to be moving in there, but it hasn’t happened yet and I hope it never does. Never mind the Section 8, I don’t want ANYBODY moving in the field. It’s awesome to have across the street and it’s a great place to walk the dogs.

The very end of our street dead ends into woods, but before that, just after the field is the backside of a hospital. If that wasn’t there we’d have almost no traffic on our road, but because of the hospital we always have traffic, although it is light, of employees going to the hospital or going home. The front of the hospital sits on a main road, so most people use that to go to it.

At the beginning of our street is a grocery store. There’s an entrance to it on our street, which makes it real nice when I have to go shopping. I don’t have to leave my street to do it, and the store is only 2 blocks away from my house, if that. They also have a gas station there, so that’s doubly nice.

Now for the guy in the first house on the street. He’s a registered sex offender. I found that out one day when I got a post card in the mail telling me one had moved in to my area. It also had a website for me to go to, so that I could see where the guy was moving in at. That guy was moving into a house two streets behind me. While I was on that site I discovered the guy at the end of my street. I also discovered a street near here that has an entire sex offender community. Apparently they all go to live in this particular area once they’re registered. I stay off of that street now. It was a shit hole to begin with.

Across the street from the grocery store is one of the worst Wendy’s ever. Just up from them is one of the worst car dealerships in the city, often called the “Lemon King Of Cincinnati.” Even farther down the road is another car dealership (that road is littered with used car lots, more so than any other road in the city) that has a giant Indian sign. In Cincinnati it’s famous. Many years ago when that sign was originally put up, the car dealership who it belonged to used to advertise that they were located “On Paddock and Vine at the big Indian sign!” Now, locals who have lived here for at least the last 20 years know of that saying, but not many actually remember the name of the original dealership. But, the Indian sign is famous here, more so than the dealership.

It's big.

It’s big.

Right near there used to be a big Jim Beam plant. I don’t know what they made there, but it often smelled greatly of mash around the building. I-75 drives up right past that building, so if you were traveling on it, you’d smell it. Just across from there is a big company who makes flavors for stuff, and it often smells like whatever flavor they’re making. My wife hates it. I think it smells good. And of course way down the road from us is P&G, and sometimes it smells like cake mix driving by there. Now THAT smells good.

But before all of that, just past the Lemon King, is the Hamilton County Fairgrounds. Driving past there when they’re having a fair is impossible, so I avoid it. Other than that there really isn’t much going on around here. Except that night my buddy and I got shot at just across the street from the Lemon King. Eh, it happens.

Delivery Tales: Dirty Dancing And Russians

It was a long and slow Saturday night. Things weren’t happening at all until about 1 AM which is when our late nights start, if they’re going to. Coupled with yet another snow storm, business picked up from nothing to full onslaught in a matter of minutes. Everything was going well until my first incident of the night.

There’s this guy who orders all the time. He lives in a nicer apartment complex and it seems that either me or our one female driver, Angela, gets his orders. We’ve discussed many times whether he was gay or just metrosexual. He’s in his late thirties or more likely his early forties, always dresses nice and is always cleaned up nice. He always smells good and he talks with a gay tone. Angela tells me when she delivers to him at his place, which is a townhouse, that he’ll step outside and shut his door behind him. She’s also delivered to him all over the complex at many different apartments, townhouses and the clubhouse, and he’s always partying. When I deliver to him it has always been to his place and he always invites me in. That’s why I think he’s gay and not just a metrosexual. He’s always nice, ALWAYS drunk or otherwise fucked up and he always tips very well, like $10 minimum.

The last time I was at his place he invited me in and there was a younger guy sitting on his couch and he looked completely out of place. The customer, as always, was dressed up real nice. The younger guy on the couch was thugged out, ball cap on backwards but to the side a bit, big heavy coat on, spoke with a white thug accent. The guy on the couch asked me if I wanted to do any drugs. I declined.

Well tonight I had to call because I had two bits of info on the order. His address and a note saying to go to the clubhouse, which has a different address. A girl answered and I heard music in the background, so I figured it was the clubhouse. She told me it was the townhouse, so that’s where I went.

When I got to the door I heard the music, loud R&B/Hip Hop, and I heard a few people talking loudly and laughing. When I knocked, a guy answered the door, maybe early twenty-something. In the back of the place I could see the regular customer guy talking with another guy and neither bothered to look my way. Behind the guy who answered the door, in the middle of the living room floor, were two early twenty-something girls dancing to the music. A brunette was standing with her legs spread and she was bent over at the waist with her hands on the floor in front of her, ass sticking up, while a blonde was standing behind her, hands on the brunettes hips and griding her ass, as if she were fucking her. They both looked up at me. I smiled at them, kind of laughed and directed my attention to the guy in front of me who seemed to be sober.

I told him the price of the order, $19, and he handed me two twenties and said he needed change. The brunette behind him stood up, never taking her eyes from me, and walked up behind the guy I was dealing with. She wedged herself between him and the door frame and began grinding on him, still not taking her eyes from me. She had a serious look on her face and appeared to be intoxicated on something.

At one point he kind of laughed and told her to get back, but she persisted. As I was trying to find change for a twenty, she then took her finger and began lightly scratching under my chin. I just smiled, but I kept looking through my money to find adequate change.

He finally got her to move, but she went to his other side and again wedged herself between him and the door frame and continued to grind on him. I found a ten and a five dollar bill and handed them to him and began looking for another five. She once again took her finger and lightly scratched under my chin. I smiled again and looked up and she was singing along to the song playing loudly in the background, still focused completely on me.

He handed me back the five I gave to him and I said he had more change coming and he said to keep it. I thanked him and then he told me to have a good night. I said I figured he would probably have a better night than me. He laughed while she moved behind him and wrapped her arms around him, rubbing his chest with both hands, and then pulling him back into the townhouse. Nice. And before anyone asks, yes, she was attractive. So was the blonde.

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