Tag Archives: brain surgery

Top 10 Things I Would Rather Do: IMVU

In a new segment here I like to call “Top 10 Things I Would Rather Do”, I’m going to talk about those top ten things that I would much rather spend my time doing, than join and participate on IMVU.

IMVU, or Instant Messaging Virtual Reality, is a website that people can go onto and see the people they are talking to, rather, avatars representing and controlled by the people. My wife loves the site and so do a lot of people, and good for them. It’s something THEY enjoy. But I know I wouldn’t. I don’t pressure her into doing things that only I enjoy, like being single, or having sex.

From Wikipedia:

IMVU, Inc. is an online social entertainment destination where members use 3D avatars to meet new people, chat, create and play game with their friends. IMVU has over 50 million registered users, 10 million unique visitors per month and three million monthly active users.

My wife is apart of this IMVU. Recently she got me to join an RPG forum that she has been apart of for a couple years now and today she made the comment yet again, “now all I need to do is get you to join IMVU and life would be perfect.” I told her then and there that I was going to make it official, since all of my “no”s have gone unnoticed by her, and write it down. It’s not enough that I live with her. I see her all the time and we talk all the time about everything. Why would I need to sit next to her on a second computer that we don’t have and talk to her there?

Here are the top ten things I’d rather do than join IMVU.

10. Donkey Blow Job – I would rather have my dick sucked by a donkey, than join IMVU. I know what you were probably thinking, and no, that’s not what I meant. Donkeys have those giant teeth, straight from a horses mouth, and those are teeth you don’t fuck with. I’ve been toothed before while receiving fellatio. It sucked, no pun intended. But it would have rocked next to getting head from a donkey. Fuck that.

9. Donkey Blow Job, Mach 2 – Okay, so I did mean it that way, too. I would rather GIVE a donkey a blow job than join IMVU. I know you’ve seen a donkey dick. They’re huge. The first time I saw one I was at the zoo when I was probably five years old, and I was in this underground tunnel system thing they had designed for kids to run and play in. This tunnel system came equipped with these giant half-dome bubbles that stuck up and out everywhere, and in one spot of the tunnels it had a bubble that popped out facing this donkey in his own little area, surrounded by people. And he was ready to go, neighing and making all kinds of ruckus, with a giant roll-of-bologna sized boner, that was mere inches from touching the ground. It scarred me for life. But I would wrap my lips around that and get a bunch of drunk Mexicans to stand around and watch and bet on me, and I would take that shit all the way, before I would ever join IMVU.

8. Brain Surgery – I would rather have blind-as-a-bat Ray Charles, during one of his heroin detoxes, perform brain surgery on me, than join IMVU. I would even get him drunk and then walk him up to my head and spin him around three times first. And I would have a smile on my face the entire time, so long as what he cuts into doesn’t control my face to contort uncontrollably.

7. Rush Concert – I hate the band Rush. And for the same reason I’ve heard over the years from others who also hate the band. Geddy Lee sucks. The band themselves rock and I love to hear them play, but when he starts singing I just want to kick newborn kittens as hard as I can, while they’re mewing and before they can open their eyes. Fuck Rush. Until the day they become an only instrumental band, I will never listen to them or admit to liking them.

BUT, I will buy all of their albums and listen to them until I know every song word for word, and I would go to their concert with a fully loaded bazooka, sit front and center, and I will headbang and jam out and smile and totally enjoy myself at one of their concerts, singing along with every song as loud and proud as I could, for the entire show, and not blow the place up with me in it even though the temptation would be too great… just NOT greater than the will to not join IMVU.

6. Fight Mike Tyson – I don’t give a fuck what kind of nutjob Tyson is, he’s still an ultra badass. Actually, since he IS an ultra badass, I know for sure that he DID do all of what he was accused of doing, because a badass WOULD do those things. And he should have manned up to it and been proud of what he did. “I’m Mike Tyson motherfucker, and I’ll smack a bitch if I damn well see fit.” Had he said that at the trials, everything would’ve been forgiven and he would still be the champ today.

I would go up to him, punch him twice in the face, and then have my hands tied up behind my back and myself strapped into a harness so that there was no way I could fall down, and I would let him go to work on me, punching me into a bloody, lifeless pulp, rather than join IMVU.

5. Fuck Amy Winehouse, Now – Amy Whorehouse, one of the 8 wonders of the skank world. This talentless, obnoxious, STD-ridden, talentless, shit stain on society has sold dozens of albums all over the world, and is now dead because of her drug habit ways. She got what she deserved. I’m sure the herpes has already melted through her rubbery pussy and melted a path straight through the waste of wood her coffin was made out of and is now contaminating the surrounding soil so that it shall never be used to grow any form of plant life again for the next 500 years. The Hoover Dam will be done curing before grass grows over her plot.

I would dig her skank ass up and hit it bareback, screaming in pain as my dick melts away and I slowly start to disappear, like Marty’s brother and sister in his picture while on stage at The Enchantment Under The Sea Dance. But just before I disappeared entirely, I’d shout out “FUCK YOU IMVU!!!” and I would hold what’s left of my arms up in the air, like Rocky at the top of the stair case.

4. Garry Shandling – I hate Garry Shandling, more than just about anybody, including Amy Whorehouse. But no, I’m not saying, like Amy Whorehouse, that I would dig up and fuck Garry Shandling. First of all he’s not dead. I know, DAMMIT. Soon enough, soon enough. No, I wouldn’t do that.

Garry Shandling
I'm sorry you had to see this.

What a sorry, sorry little man. He always looks as if he just got stung in the face by a bee and had a bad allergic reaction. When he talks his mouth barely moves, and his face is totally incapable of making any look other than the same stupid one he always has. When he tells jokes, they’re not funny, mostly because he’s not funny, but also because his face never changes. It’s hard to read him. Which is why his acting is also absolutely horrible. He should be shot.

I would go to a live taping of a show that he is the star of. Like if he were to do his talk show over again, I would go and watch that, live. This is actually so bad that I’m not going to say I would even try to enjoy myself, because I wouldn’t. But, I would stay there the entire time, I would applaud when the little applaud sign lights up, I would laugh when the little laugh sign lights up, and I would leave the theater at the end of the show in an orderly fashion. I would probably blow my fucking head off as soon as I left the building, but that’s to be expected.

3. Donkey Show – Back to the donkeys. I would rather be a participant in a donkey show than join IMVU. I’d let a donkey shove that 4-foot tree trunk cock right into my unlubed pooper. And afterwards, I’d thank him for it.

2. Disney Store – I would get a job at the Disney Store. Have you ever been in one? Almost everybody has. They’re horrible. The people working in there have got to be robots. Either that or they’ve been brainwashed by their employer, one of the owners of the world, the Disney Corporation. It wouldn’t surprise me. Nobody, and seriously folks, NOBODY is THAT FUCKING HAPPY ALL THE TIME. It’s not possible. I’ve done the research, I’ve lived a life amongst the general public. I’ve worked FOR them in customer service. There is no fucking way anybody could even get paid enough to be that fucking happy, while dealing with CUSTOMERS. I will never live long enough or see enough proof to agree that the workers at that store aren’t on some kind of drugs that I actually wouldn’t mind getting hold of. I couldn’t be that happy if the doctor up’d my dose of happy drugs by 10.

BUT, I would rather work there for an entire year of full hour shifts and overtime, than join IMVU.

1. Acronyms – I would rather use acronyms all the time in everyday conversation than join IMVU and be subjected to them all the fucking time.

Acronyms used to mean something, like UDF, SCUBA, even IMVU is an acronym. However, since the dawning of the internet, we have had a whole slew of them swarm over us like a locust infestation. LOL, ROFL, TTFN, and on and on and fucking on. Even recently I discovered FTW now means For The Win. No the fuck it doesn’t. It means Fuck The World. Always has, always will. Period.

I once knew a girl who didn’t get a typing job because of this shit. She typed fast enough, when she wasn’t spelling out most of the shit she was typing. But when she had to type things out, it was hunt and peck season. Horrible. The people of today would rather look like fucking idiots than spend the other four seconds it would take to type the whole thing out. I guess they got so much more to do in their lives than type.

Just today I was cruising through all of the newer posts on Facebook when I came across not one, but two people using the acronym “smh”. I had to look it up. Really? Every fucking thing in life now is going to be abbreviated or dropped down to acronyms? Why? What are you in so much of a fucking hurry for? Slow down, enjoy life a little. Fuck man, there are plenty of greater things to worry about in life than the time you’re going to waste typing up, in the scheme of things, some very pointless and meaningless conversations. I mean I don’t know about you, but I can’t have a serious conversation or take someone seriously if they’re talking in modern day gibberish.

I can’t lie, I got caught up in using the standard LOL and variations therein years ago when I first joined the W on the WW. But OMG SRSLY, if you spend hours and hours and even more countless hours on a website like IMVU, then your time isn’t fucking precious enough that you can’t spend a little more of it putting the two e’s and o back in “ppl”.

Forget all of it. I would do it all in a heartbeat, just so long as I didn’t have to do it on Instant Messaging Virtual Reality.