Tag Archives: comedy

Scared The Shit Out Of Him

Tonight my wife and I went to her cousin’s place for dinner, and we took our little Redd dog. After hanging out for a while, he kept bothering me and bothering me, so I decided to take him outside. I grabbed his leash, which we almost never use cause he never runs off, put it on him, and we headed outside.

The cousin lives in an apartment building, and the people who live there and around there are a special kind of nasty. My wife and I have seen used condoms on the sidewalk near the front door to the building, and a mentally handicapped (not retarded, just mental) woman sits out on the main steps, begging people for cigarettes and playing with her beef curtains for everyone to see in broad daylight. Including all the kids that live around there.

Redd and I got outside and he began sniffing around in the grass alongside the building. We worked our way up to the back of the building where the tiny parking lot is when I looked down and saw a dirty, used up men’s disposable shaving razor lying in the grass.

I bent over to pick it up, cursing the dirty fucks who live there (because again, kids) and I felt the leash tighten in my hand. I looked up to see Redd stretching forward to sniff at a cat who was not only his size, but had his back arched up and didn’t look too happy.

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The Rainbow White House

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Beefy Ecards: Racism

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Customer Service Tales: The Mexican And The Hundred

I recently quit my pizza job, so there will be no more Delivery Tales from me. Instead, I’ll offer up interesting stories, if any, from my days of working customer service. My new job is doing that very thing at a gas station.

Tonight was only my second night on the register, and was also the beginning of my second week on the job. I only had to ring up a couple of customers, and this story is about one of them. A younger Mexican guy buying gas and beer.

He came up to the counter, set the beer down, and began looking through his wallet. He then mumbled something that I couldn’t quite understand. I tapped the 12 pack with my hand and asked for his ID. He gave me something that looked like an ID, but I had no idea what it was.

I didn’t understand anything on it other than his birthday, and since it said he was of age I accepted it, even though the card looked like he made it himself out of construction paper. He then said again what it was he had mumbled, and I just barely understood him.

Him: mumble
Me: You need twenty on seven?
Him: mumble
Me: Forty?
Him: mumble
Me: Thirty?

That was it. So I rang it all up and told him the total, which was just over forty bucks. He handed me a hundred dollar bill, one of those new ones that would be pretty hard to fake. I looked around for a marker to make sure it was real, even though I had no doubt it was, and couldn’t find one.

So he pulled one out of his pocket and let me use it.

This man, who was dressed like he just got done working some sort of construction job outside, pulled out a money checking marker from his pocket. He just happened to travel around with one at all times. Who the fuck does that? I delivered pizza and didn’t do that.

I marked the bill and the mark, like the marker, was black. The last time I used one of those markers it turned black if the bill was a fake, but was normally brown.

I studied the marker and it said it was a bill checking marker, so I accepted the results it had given me.

To recap, a Mexican came in with an ID that looked fake and terribly made, handed me a brand new $100 bill, and gave me his own money checking marker to check the money he had just given me. How legit is that? And I used his marker to check his money like it wasn’t completely pointless to do so.

I went to hand him back the marker and he told me to keep it.

He had his own money checking marker. Obviously he had a need to have one if he’s carrying one around with him at all times. But he told me to keep it, which means he doesn’t just have one, he’s got more at home. That’s pretty serious shit there. Who the hell needs that many money checking markers? Bankers maybe. Maybe he’s a banker. That sounds legit.

After he left I thought about it and realized I had done something terribly stupid. But I’m new, so whatever. I had been using my trainer’s register, so it was logged in under her name. Our policy is that we have to put all 50’s and 100’s in the safe as soon as we get them, so after I realized what I had done, I gave her the bill and told her to drop it, and she did without a second thought.

They’re pretty laid back at my job, so I’m sure nothing will happen because of that transaction. But if I get deported, cause that would happen, you’ll know why.

Little Redd Pun Dog – PMS

Little Redd Pun Dog!

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