Tag Archives: conan the barbarian

Movie Review: Mutant Chronicles

Posted on March 28, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Oh dear God how did this come to be? I have witnessed yet another movie that was worse than the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

The worst movie I’ve ever seen was Night Train To Terror. I own it. I had to. I wanted in my collection the worst movie ever made.

And now I’ve seen two movies that were worse than that, and Mutant Chronicles is one of the two. I can’t remember the other, but it was the same type of movie, a SyFy channel movie, only I lasted longer in the other movie than this one before shutting it off prematurely.

To sum up the movie, I’ll begin with one of the single worst opening monologues of all time, word for word.

At the end of the Ice Age the machine came. It came from outside. It came from space. It came with one purpose, to change man into mutant.

Yeah, and I’m pretty sure Ron Perlman is reading that. And it’s SO HORRIBLE, which fits, because the movie is just as horrible.

And it has fucking Hellboy in it! How can anything with Hellboy be bad? I just don’t get it.

"I'll never be in a bad chump-change movie again!"

"DAMMIT!"

This kind of shit is being turned into movies and I’m still unpublished.

By the first commercial break fifteen minutes into the movie, I was wondering if the movie was ever going to get started, and then I realized I had bypassed watching it to write this.

There was only one good thing I got to see in the twenty five minutes I actually watched of the movie, and it was their over abundance of blood. People dying were doing so with a splash. Blood at every turn.

How bad was this movie? It fucked even that up. I love that much blood, but it has to be somewhat realistic. If someone gets his head chopped off and fifty gallons of blood spews out of his neck hole, SURE that’s not going to really happen, BUT people can bleed profusely out of their neck holes. So it’s somewhat realistic.

In this movie, the mutants have giant spear-like arms with no hands, just a sharp ass spear, and they’re stabbing guys through the bodies with them. Mostly around the neck and head area. One guy gets cut twice, like as if with a knife, just-a-flesh-wound-cut, on his face. Apparently it’s not only bad enough to kill him, but he immediately vomits a gallon of blood in between getting slashed and dying. And then a guy gets stabbed through the head and brain with one of these arm spears and he, too, vomits a gallon of blood.

I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that would never happen. Ever. Thanks for the blood, but it’s unrealistic in EVERY way. I need for it to only be unrealistic in one or two ways.

And then I heard Mr. Ron “Hellboy” Perlman (I’ll never forget you were Hellboy Ron! NEVER!) speaking some more horrible lines about “THERE’S ALWAYS HOPE!” and trying his damnedest to act his way through the horrible script, but he couldn’t do it. I’m glad he kind of picked it back up in Conan (at least he wasn’t too bad in it) but damn, can’t we get a third Hellboy? I guess I’ll just have to wait for the fall for Sons of Anarchy. At least I know I can count on that.

Oh shit, I almost forgot. I give this movie NOTHING out of 10 stars because I couldn’t even finish it.

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Movie Review: Conan The Barbarian (Spoilers)

Posted on December 10, 2011 by | 1 Comment

Growing up I was subjected to the Conan films featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger. I say subjected, but I did enjoy them all. My dad was a huge fan of the movies since he was a huge fan of the books. I loved watching Arnold destroy his enemies and make love to millions of women. At least it seemed like he slept with that many.

Even with Arnold’s zany accent, he still dominated in the movies. The action was great, the story was great and the death toll was tremendous.

I saw a preview for this new version and was excited. With today’s technology, the movie should be a huge film, and one I couldn’t wait to see.

I even approved of Jason Momoa playing Conan, even though I didn’t know a thing about him. He fit the bill, he’s buff and he has a constant look of “I will fuck your shit up” on his face.

I finally got to see this movie and again I had high hopes. I’m down for any Conan movie. Here’s how it compares with the original.

The stories are basically the same, although they’re only the same so much as Conan is on a mission to kill a guy who killed one of his parents. In the original, the main bad guy (James Earl Jones) kills Conan’s mom right in front of him and then enslaves Conan to work for him until he’s much older and stronger and he gets free and goes on his mission.

In this new version, the main bad guy (Stephen Lang) kills Conan’s father (ultra badass Ron Perlman) right in front of Conan. He doesn’t enslave him though, and Conan immediately goes off in search of the man. Years pass before he finds him. That’s about where the similarities end.

In the original, there is a ton of violence and blood. In the remake, there is also a ton of violence and blood, and thankfully for the remake the blood doesn’t look like pink water like it did in the original. That would be about the only thing this movie has over the original.

Conan doesn’t fuck all the time in this one, which is fine, it got to be a little much in the first, but one of Conan’s traits is, he’s a lover. This movie doesn’t really highlight that, but they do make mention of it at one point.

There’s no real connection between him and the main hottie of the movie (Rachel Nichols), the woman who the main bad guy is after and the one who Conan is trying to protect, although they do spend their time together (in what I believe is the only sex scene) and that’s pretty much it.

After Conan saves the woman and kills the main bad guy, he drops her off at her place and says he might see her again one day and the movie ends.

In the original, it is told that Conan becomes King and rules greatly. In the remake, they basically set up for a sequel, but I doubt one will be made.

The movie was good in every area, but there was something missing. I’m not sure what it was, but it was not there. Really, the movie had everything you’d want in a good action movie, but for some reason it just didn’t come across as awesome by the time it was over.

Check it out if you like good action and lots of death. The movie has plenty of that. And if you can figure out what it was lacking, let me know, cause I’d love to know.

I give this movie 3 1/2 stars out of 5.

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