I was at Walmart the other night (there was my first problem) when I happened to go by the magazine aisle. As I passed by it I only glanced at the things it offered. Typically I don’t do magazines. Not because I don’t like them, but because they’re usually too god damned expensive.
Last night though, something caught my eye, so I picked it up to have a look and this is what I found.
My initial reaction was “WHAT THE FUCK?!” As I calmed down a bit right after security got done telling me to calm down a bit, I took it all in. Gods of ROCK? As in ROCK N ROLL? Keith Richards is spinning in his grave right now. Oh sorry, he’s on the cover. WHAT THE FUCK?!
I’ll give you that, Keith deserves to be listed as one of the gods of rock. After all, he’s older than God. But the fact that he’s on the cover of GQ is really what gets me with this particular cover, not that I have ever read or even looked at an issue of GQ in my life. Actually the time it took me to get a picture of this cover was the longest I’ve ever looked at one.
Really? Eminem and Lil Everyday Rapper? Gods of ROCK? I really wanted to buy the magazine just so I could find out why the fuck GQ, or anybody for that matter, considers the music either of those men put out as rock. Now, don’t get me wrong, what they do is respectable and they both have made their mark in the music business. I have nothing but respect for both. But Gods of Rock they are not.
Since when did we start lumping everybody into the Rock category? I started getting a feeling for that a few years ago when I heard Madonna was going to be inducted into the Rock Hall of Fame. What sucked even more was the fact that she was being inducted and legit Rock bands weren’t.
Back in the 90’s we created sub-categories of rock to better categorize the music that was coming out, such as Grunge or Alternative. There’s Classic Rock, Heavy Metal or Metal, Death Metal, Rush, Hard Rock, Blues Rock… the list goes on and on. We, or somebody, created extra categories so that bands could be better described, so that all rock wasn’t looked at or listed as the same.
But now we’re just throwing everybody into the giant, top tier main category of Rock. Why? What’s the point? Rap is not Rock. It’s just not. I’m not saying that because I’m a bigger fan of Rock than I am of Rap. It’s just not. Rap has worked its way into the mainstream over years and years of being looked at as horrible by a majority of the people in the world, mostly because it talked about things a majority of the people of the world didn’t want to hear. Rap, or Hip Hop, was a way for black folks to tell the rest of us what the world was doing to them, to let out their anger, to publicize the wrong doings they were being subjected to. The music had to struggle for a long time just to be accepted, let alone to be mainstream. So now it’s being labeled as Rock. I think the fans and the artists should be pissed.
Its like saying, “your music is great, but we’re going to put you under the category of Rock so that its more appealing to a bigger amount of people.” Wouldn’t that piss you off? I’m pissed for them.
This clearly shows why GQ shouldn’t be your first choice for music advice. I didn’t even look to see who the others were, for fear that I’d only get more pissed off. Chances are good that Angus Young isn’t in that list, because obviously GQ has no clue.
Since I was in the area I noticed another magazine and thought I’d take a snap shot of it as well. Brace yourself.
I’m really not sure what magazine this is, but I think it’s a Time Life, although I’m probably wrong and really I hope I am. I used to have respect for Time Life.
Now the fans of Amy Whorehouse can rejoice, there’s a commemorative issue, all about her life, for them, her fans, to remember her by. All three of them can shout with glee.
What the fuck has she done to deserve having an entire issue of a magazine dedicated to her? I’m not much of a fan of radio, but are any of her songs being played on the radio? Not Satellite, that doesn’t count, they play everything. And not after her death, but before it, were there any stations playing her music before she died? I really don’t know because I don’t listen to the radio, but for some reason I doubt it.
The reason I doubt it is, even though I don’t listen to the radio, I would still recognize an artists name if I heard it because typically, those artists on the radio are spoken about often enough that I would pick it up just from hearing it a few times. All of us are that way, really. But her name? I had never heard of her until she was so smashed at one of her own concerts that she pissed off her own fans by forgetting the words to her own songs and fucking everything up and then cussing her fans out for booing her and then walking off the stage before the show had really even gotten started and denying her fans, who had actually paid money to see her, a refund or even a decent apology. That’s when I had first heard about her. Apparently she had been around before that.
Also, she committed suicide by living a horrible lifestyle and overdosing on drugs. She may not have wanted to die, but she killed herself by OD’ing on drugs. I just did a search on why exactly she died and this is what I found from a website straight out of Satan’s asshole, HollywoodLife.com:
Amy had long struggled with addiction, and now friends are reporting she was just out for a good time. Meanwhile, her family is struggling with the pain of their loss.
Amy Winehouse‘s July 23 death left the music world reeling, and new reports are coming out that drugs may have been the cause.
Amy, who was 27, was known among her friends as a party animal and addict, and many are saying she simply overdid it while partying on July 22. Allegedly the tipping point was a drug run she made at 10:30 pm that night, The People reports. She proceeded to mix cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and ketamine, and coupled with the alcohol she was drinking, the combination proved fatal.
“Amy seemed determined to have a big one on Friday night,” a friend told the publication. “She was out in Camden [a neighborhood in London] on Friday evening, but seemed determined to carry on the party back at her flat. None of us know who was with her into the early hours of Saturday. But getting out of it was clearly her main priority of the night.”
Meanwhile, as the Daily Mail reports an autopsy will take place within the next 24 hours, Amy’s family has released a touching statement: “Our family has been left bereft by the loss of Amy, a wonderful daughter, sister, niece. She leaves a gaping hole in our lives. We are coming together to remember her and we would appreciate some privacy and space at this terrible time.”
This story is just so sad — we hope Amy is at peace, as she was so obviously tormented during her life.
Since when has dying of overdosing on a ton of illegal drugs been looked at as sad? It’s glamorized now, and some people wonder why there’s a war on drugs. The jackasses who read the trash on this website and any other like it, for one, aren’t the types of people who would be doing drugs, so you’d think, and two, are very impressionable. Just like Heath Ledger, the world goes into mourning and they have candle light vigils, and they get together outside of the jackass’s home and place flowers on the ground and cry and cry and cry. Shut the fuck up. These idiots killed themselves from doing TOO MANY ILLEGAL DRUGS. Their awesome lifestyle of having a ton of money and talent and fame brought on by you, their fans, wasn’t enough for them (or Amy Winehouse who apparently had some fans). So they turned to illegal drugs they bought off of somebody that you wouldn’t give a fuck less if they died, just so they could enjoy their life for once. And you’re mourning them?
So this bitch Amy did enough in her life to warrant an entire fucking magazine dedication? If she did, I would have heard about her previous to her fucked up concert debacle. I just would have. That’s the way things go.
After that magazine I had had enough and left the magazine aisle. As I was standing in the checkout lane, which I wound up not going all the way through, I discovered another magazine.
I’m not entirely sure who the chick is, although she’s already made her way to the list of hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard list. Surprisingly though, that’s not what originally caught my attention. It’s the giant cover story posted next to her.
Guys Top Sex Secrets. Now, I understand this topic has been going on a long time in the world of women’s magazines. They think they know men’s secrets. Obviously they don’t because this continues to be a story for them.
We don’t have any fucking sex secrets. Dress up like a nurse or a maid and give us head. That’s it. If women sucked us off on a regular basis which means more than once every quarter of the year, we’d really have nothing to complain about. I know I wouldn’t. More than once in my life, a conversation much like this has happened between me and one of my friends.
“Last night my wife (or girlfriend) and I got into a huge fight. She called my mother a whore and punched my dog in the nuts and then said I had a tiny dick and then she fucked my dad. Then she broke my Beatles collection and lit my car on fire. But then she sucked my dick, so everything is cool.”
We don’t have secrets, and if the cunts who write these ignorant pieces of literary rubbish bothered to ask a guy, or for that matter actually dated real men and PLEASED them in any way, they’d know this. But publishing this crap is a sure fire way to continue to get readers who still have no idea how to please a man and never will, which is why they continue to publish these magazines with these dumbass secrets that don’t exist.
These magazines will never publish the truth about our sex secrets, which I just revealed, because they know if they do, they’ll never be able to have another issue like this again, which I figure comes out once every four issues. These magazines suck, all the way around, so don’t buy them. Now, if they had naked pictures of that beautiful woman on the cover, I’d buy it, but they don’t, so fuck ‘em.
Just as I thought it couldn’t get worse, I happened to see this one.
Gastric Bypass without surgery? This intrigues me, but not enough to buy the magazine. How could that be accomplished, I wondered. My wife and I discussed it while waiting in line at the register, which we left shortly after without purchasing what we had spent an hour picking up, because there was only one checkout lane open and there were a ton of people in line in front of us waiting to buy a ton of shit.
So what happens? Do they make you swallow a handful of rubber bands and hope that one of them accidentally slips around your stomach and does the trick? Or do they make you eat a box of staples and then punch you in the stomach until one of them sticks and fixes you for good?
OR, do they tell you to get off of your fat lazy ass and eat right and work out? I’m guessing no, which is yet another reason why paying the outlandish prices for these magazines is a complete waste of money and reading them is a complete waste of time. Do yourself a favor and pick up a Hustler and a box of tissues. Now that’s money well spent.