Tag Archives: funny

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Have You Given A Fuck Lately?

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Delivery Tales: Dirty Dancing And Russians

It was a long and slow Saturday night. Things weren’t happening at all until about 1 AM which is when our late nights start, if they’re going to. Coupled with yet another snow storm, business picked up from nothing to full onslaught in a matter of minutes. Everything was going well until my first incident of the night.

There’s this guy who orders all the time. He lives in a nicer apartment complex and it seems that either me or our one female driver, Angela, gets his orders. We’ve discussed many times whether he was gay or just metrosexual. He’s in his late thirties or more likely his early forties, always dresses nice and is always cleaned up nice. He always smells good and he talks with a gay tone. Angela tells me when she delivers to him at his place, which is a townhouse, that he’ll step outside and shut his door behind him. She’s also delivered to him all over the complex at many different apartments, townhouses and the clubhouse, and he’s always partying. When I deliver to him it has always been to his place and he always invites me in. That’s why I think he’s gay and not just a metrosexual. He’s always nice, ALWAYS drunk or otherwise fucked up and he always tips very well, like $10 minimum.

The last time I was at his place he invited me in and there was a younger guy sitting on his couch and he looked completely out of place. The customer, as always, was dressed up real nice. The younger guy on the couch was thugged out, ball cap on backwards but to the side a bit, big heavy coat on, spoke with a white thug accent. The guy on the couch asked me if I wanted to do any drugs. I declined.

Well tonight I had to call because I had two bits of info on the order. His address and a note saying to go to the clubhouse, which has a different address. A girl answered and I heard music in the background, so I figured it was the clubhouse. She told me it was the townhouse, so that’s where I went.

When I got to the door I heard the music, loud R&B/Hip Hop, and I heard a few people talking loudly and laughing. When I knocked, a guy answered the door, maybe early twenty-something. In the back of the place I could see the regular customer guy talking with another guy and neither bothered to look my way. Behind the guy who answered the door, in the middle of the living room floor, were two early twenty-something girls dancing to the music. A brunette was standing with her legs spread and she was bent over at the waist with her hands on the floor in front of her, ass sticking up, while a blonde was standing behind her, hands on the brunettes hips and griding her ass, as if she were fucking her. They both looked up at me. I smiled at them, kind of laughed and directed my attention to the guy in front of me who seemed to be sober.

I told him the price of the order, $19, and he handed me two twenties and said he needed change. The brunette behind him stood up, never taking her eyes from me, and walked up behind the guy I was dealing with. She wedged herself between him and the door frame and began grinding on him, still not taking her eyes from me. She had a serious look on her face and appeared to be intoxicated on something.

At one point he kind of laughed and told her to get back, but she persisted. As I was trying to find change for a twenty, she then took her finger and began lightly scratching under my chin. I just smiled, but I kept looking through my money to find adequate change.

He finally got her to move, but she went to his other side and again wedged herself between him and the door frame and continued to grind on him. I found a ten and a five dollar bill and handed them to him and began looking for another five. She once again took her finger and lightly scratched under my chin. I smiled again and looked up and she was singing along to the song playing loudly in the background, still focused completely on me.

He handed me back the five I gave to him and I said he had more change coming and he said to keep it. I thanked him and then he told me to have a good night. I said I figured he would probably have a better night than me. He laughed while she moved behind him and wrapped her arms around him, rubbing his chest with both hands, and then pulling him back into the townhouse. Nice. And before anyone asks, yes, she was attractive. So was the blonde.

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Beefy Ecards: Y U NO WORK FACEBOOK?!?!

I just saw my Facebook Movie, this thing Facebook slapped together for everybody because they’ve been around for 10 years and it’s big news.

Facebook Turns 10
Tuesday, February 4th, 2014

Facebook, the popular social networking site, turns ten years old today.

“It’s big news.” – Myspace

Here’s the one they made for me.

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Beefy Ecards: Bengals In The Playoffs

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Beefy Ecards: Like Dogs

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Beefy Ecards: Give No Fucks

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Purplecia

I recently posted a long joke as part of a Daily Prompt uh, prompt. And the ending is what makes it, despite the telling of the joke being detail oriented. The best thing about these jokes is just that, you spend so much time building up a story involving one thing and then you deliver the punchline which has nothing to do with the details you spent so much time divulging.

With that in mind, I actually know a few of those jokes, The Pink House included, that are all basically the same thing. So, to be sure to have everyone at a party hating you, remember these jokes and tell them the next time you want to have your ass kicked. I’ve been hit more times by telling these jokes than at any other time in my life. And it was all worth it.

Without further ado, here’s my favorite. I’ve heard variations of this, with the “word” being other crazy, not-actual words. So you can use what you like, and of course, when telling the joke make it as long or short with as many, or few details as you like. This is the way I always told it.

Purplecia (pronounced purple-see-ya, if it matters)

Little Billy had just started schooling and was in Kindergarten. The first week of school had gone by and he was loving it. He was making all sorts of new friends and learning all kinds of new things. And then one day on the playground, Little Suzy came up to him.

“Hey Billy,” she said, “I know a word you don’t know!”

“Oh yeah? What is it?” Billy asked, wanting to learn even more.

“I can’t tell you because it’s REALLY bad.”

This peaked his interest. “Well, what is it? I won’t tell!”

Little Suzy shook her head. “I shouldn’t, it’s really bad. If you tell anybody this word you’ll get in trouble!”

Well, Little Billy was never in trouble. He had a great home life as an only child with two wonderful and loving parents. He had never been spanked or yelled at for anything. He was the perfect child.

“Come on Suzy, I promise I won’t tell! I want to know the word!”

Little Suzy shuffled where she stood, contemplating, and then finally gave in. “Okay fine, but you can’t tell anybody! The word is… ‘purplecia’.” After she told Little Billy she ran off to play with the other kids.

Little Billy’s eyes lit up. He knew a new word! And apparently it was a bad word! He was so ecstatic, but there was just one problem. He had no idea what it meant. It was cool to know a new word but he had no idea just what made it so bad. Curiosity got the better of him so he decided that he would have to tell someone this new word he learned just so he could figure out what it meant.

Little Billy went up to a teacher who was on recess duty and tugged on her dress. The teacher looked down at him with a smile.

“Well hello Billy! What can I do for you?”

Little Billy was hesitant but he just had to know what “purplecia” meant. So he finally got up the courage and said, “Well Mrs. Johnson, I was just over there on the playground when Suzy told me a word. I like the word because I have never heard it before, but I don’t know what it means.”

Mrs. Johnson looked at Little Billy and asked, “Well Billy, what’s the word?”

“That’s the problem, I don’t want to get in trouble. She said it’s a bad word and I shouldn’t tell anybody. But I really want to know what it means.”

Mrs. Johnson smiled at Little Billy. “It’s okay Billy, you can tell me and I’ll do my best to explain what it means and I promise you won’t get in trouble.”

Little Billy was relieved to hear he could trust Mrs. Johnson. “Okay, the word Suzy told me is ‘purplecia’.”

Mrs. Johnson’s smile faded quickly and her jaw dropped. “Oh good lord! Billy that’s horrible! Go to the principals office immediately!”

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Daily Prompt: HA HA HA

Tell us a joke! Knock-knock joke, long story with a unexpected punchline, great zinger — all jokes are welcome!

I haven’t done any of these in a while because I haven’t been in a blogging mood until lately. I do check the prompts every day and up until now none have really caught my attention. Anyway, here’s a joke that I heard years ago and it’s always a fun one to tell, especially if you get good at it and can tell it rather fast. The idea is to get as detailed as you want. It’s sure to be a smash hit at your next party. If you’re going to tell it, make sure you say that you are going to tell about the Pink House, as if you’re telling a story. I don’t know why that’s important, but it helps to build the audience. I guess. Whatever, do what you want.

The Pink House

A guy is driving home from work one evening when he gets detoured off of the highway and into the country where he’s not familiar with the area. As he drives down a long dusty country road his car breaks down. He gets out and looks up the hill next to the road and sees a pink house.

It has a pink roof, pink siding, pink windows, pink shutters, pink gutters, and a pink porch with a pink awning over it. On the pink porch is a pink swing and a pink railing surrounding it. There’s a pink door with a pink doorknob and a pink welcome mat on the pink porch. There are pink steps leading up to the pink porch with a pink banister on either side.

The man walks up to the pink porch with the pink railing and pink swing and steps on the pink door mat. He knocks on the pink door with the pink doorknob. Suddenly the pink door opens and standing in front of him is a pink woman. She’s got pink hair and pink eye liner around pink eyes, and pink lipstick on. She’s wearing a pink dress on with pink flowers on it and pink stockings and she’s wearing pink house shoes. She smiles at him with her pink lipstick on and asks him if she can help him.

“Hi, my car broke down in front of your exceptionally pink house and I was wondering if I can use your phone to call for a tow truck.”

“Sure, come on in!”

The pink woman leads him through the pink door into her pink house. He notices the entire inside of the house is pink. The floors are pink, the walls are pink, the ceiling is pink. She leads him into a pink room that has a pink couch and a pink TV and a pink chair. There’s a pink ottoman in front of the pink couch. On a pink table next to the pink couch is a pink phone with a pink phone cord and pink numbers on the pink handset. The man calls a tow truck and they tell him they’ll be able to come by in the morning to get his car.

The man relays the news to the pink woman and the pink woman smiles.

“That’s just fine. You can stay here for the night.”

The pink woman leads him up a pink staircase with a pink banister to the second floor that is also completely pink and into a pink bedroom. The bedroom has pink carpet on the floor, a pink dresser, pink bed with pink pillows and pink sheets and a pink comforter. Next to the pink bed is a pink nightstand with a pink lamp on it. There is a pink closet with a pink door and he notices there’s a pink window with pink curtains hanging in front of it.

He says the room is just fine and he settles in for the night.

Shortly after that a woman who was also detoured from the highway happens to be passing by when as luck would have it, her car breaks down. She gets out of her car and looks up the hill next to the road and sees the pink house.

It has a pink roof, pink siding, pink windows, pink shutters, pink gutters, and a pink porch with a pink awning over it. On the pink porch is a pink swing and a pink railing surrounding it. There’s a pink door with a pink doorknob and a pink welcome mat on the pink porch. There are pink steps leading up to the pink porch with a pink banister on either side.

The woman walks up to the pink porch with the pink railing and pink swing and steps on the pink door mat. She knocks on the pink door with the pink doorknob. Suddenly the pink door opens and standing in front of her is the pink woman. She’s got pink hair and pink eye liner around pink eyes, and pink lipstick on. She’s wearing a pink dress on with pink flowers on it and pink stockings and she’s wearing pink house shoes. She smiles at the woman with her pink lipstick on and asks her if she can help her.

“Hi, my car broke down in front of your exceptionally pink house and I was wondering if I can use your phone to call for a tow truck.”

“Sure, come on in!”

The pink woman leads her through the pink door into her pink house. She notices the entire inside of the house is pink. The floors are pink, the walls are pink, the ceiling is pink. She leads her into a pink room that has a pink couch and a pink TV and a pink chair. There’s a pink ottoman in front of the pink couch. On a pink table next to the pink couch is a pink phone with a pink phone cord and pink numbers on the pink handset. The woman calls a tow truck and they tell her they’ll be able to come by in the morning to get her car.

The woman relays the news to the pink woman and the pink woman smiles.

“That’s just fine. You can stay here for the night.”

The pink woman leads her up a pink staircase with a pink banister to the second floor that is also completely pink and into a pink bedroom. The bedroom has pink carpet on the floor, a pink dresser, pink bed with pink pillows and pink sheets and a pink comforter. Next to the pink bed is a pink nightstand with a pink lamp on it. There is a pink closet with a pink door and she notices there’s a pink window with pink curtains hanging in front of it.

She says the room is just fine and she settles in for the night.

A few minutes go by and yet another traveler is coming up the country road when his car breaks down in front of the pink house. The man gets out of his car, looks up the hill, sees the pink house and heads up to it.

It has a pink roof, pink siding, pink windows, pink shutters, pink gutters, and a pink porch with a pink awning over it. On the pink porch is a pink swing and a pink railing surrounding it. There’s a pink door with a pink doorknob and a pink welcome mat on the pink porch. There are pink steps leading up to the pink porch with a pink banister on either side.

The man walks up to the pink porch with the pink railing and pink swing and steps on the pink door mat. He knocks on the pink door with the pink doorknob. Suddenly the pink door opens and standing in front of him is a pink woman. She’s got pink hair and pink eye liner around pink eyes, and pink lipstick on. She’s wearing a pink dress on with pink flowers on it and pink stockings and she’s wearing pink house shoes. She smiles at him with her pink lipstick on and asks him if she can help him.

“Hi, my car broke down in front of your exceptionally pink house and I was wondering if I can use your phone to call for a tow truck.”

“Sure, come on in!”

The pink woman leads him through the pink door into her pink house. He notices the entire inside of the house is pink. The floors are pink, the walls are pink, the ceiling is pink. She leads him into a pink room that has a pink couch and a pink TV and a pink chair. There’s a pink ottoman in front of the pink couch. On a pink table next to the pink couch is a pink phone with a pink phone cord and pink numbers on the pink handset. The man calls a tow truck and they tell him they’ll be able to come by in the morning to get his car.

The man relays the news to the pink woman and the pink woman smiles.

“That’s just fine. You can stay here for the night.”

The pink woman leads him up a pink staircase with a pink banister to the second floor that is also completely pink and into a pink bedroom. The bedroom has pink carpet on the floor, a pink dresser, pink bed with pink pillows and pink sheets and a pink comforter. Next to the pink bed is a pink nightstand with a pink lamp on it. There is a pink closet with a pink door and he notices there’s a pink window with pink curtains hanging in front of it.

He says the room is just fine and he settles in for the night.

The next morning all three guests awaken and head down the pink staircase with the pink banister for breakfast. They go into the pink kitchen that has a pink floor and a pink refrigerator. It has a pink oven, pink stove, pink counter tops, pink sink, pink dishes, pink cabinets and a pink table with pink chairs tucked neatly in all around it.

The three guests have a seat at the pink table and their pink host comes into the pink kitchen with her pink hair, pink eyes with the pink eye shadow around them, and pink lipstick. She’s wearing pink pajamas with little pink kittens on them and she has on her pink house shoes.

“Good morning everyone! I hope you slept well!” says the pink woman.

The guests all say they had.

The pink woman opens up a pink cabinet and pulls out three pink bowls. She opens a pink drawer and from it pulls three pink spoons and she places those pink spoons in the three pink bowls.

The pink woman opens a cabinet and looks inside. “For breakfast you can have either Cheerios or Wheaties.”

The first man says he wants Cheerios. The woman says she wants Wheaties. The second man says he wants Cheerios.

The moral of the story is, two out of three prefer Cheerios to Wheaties.

If You’re Gonna Shake, Do The Right One

I don’t know when the fuck it started, but I’m already tired as shit of seeing it. The fucking Harlem Shake… what the fuck is it and why is it so huge now? As far as I can tell it sucks huge nuts.

I finally just now watched one of the videos to see what it was all about and FUCKING REALLY FOLKS? That’s what’s so popular now? Are you kidding me?! I was right, it DOES suck huge nuts.

Never mind that, I vote that we start a new trend. I want to see it in all the schools and Universities, and on all of your blogs. Let’s start a new revolution with some GOOD music this time.

Where are the people getting down to the Rattlesnake Shake? Do it people!

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Beefy Ecards: Chivalry

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