Tag Archives: funny

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Safeway, Man

high-dog-safeway

More Angus

With my last post about Angus I didn’t get to write everything I wanted. It was a little tough. And I promise this is the last one, but I wanted to share some things he was awesome at.

When he got a little older he had this thing he would do with his food. I don’t know where he got it from, or where it went, because he only did it a few times. He would get some food from his dish, drop it on the floor, and then dance around it.

He would dance. His tail would be wagging, his paws would be prancing, and he would throw his head all around. This could go on for five minutes before he would finally eat the food. My grandmother and I said he was dancing to the food gods to thank them for his feast.
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Have You Given A Fuck Lately?

have-you-given-a-fuck-lately-beefyhousedotcom

Delivery Tales: Dirty Dancing And Russians

It was a long and slow Saturday night. Things weren’t happening at all until about 1 AM which is when our late nights start, if they’re going to. Coupled with yet another snow storm, business picked up from nothing to full onslaught in a matter of minutes. Everything was going well until my first incident of the night.

There’s this guy who orders all the time. He lives in a nicer apartment complex and it seems that either me or our one female driver, Angela, gets his orders. We’ve discussed many times whether he was gay or just metrosexual. He’s in his late thirties or more likely his early forties, always dresses nice and is always cleaned up nice. He always smells good and he talks with a gay tone. Angela tells me when she delivers to him at his place, which is a townhouse, that he’ll step outside and shut his door behind him. She’s also delivered to him all over the complex at many different apartments, townhouses and the clubhouse, and he’s always partying. When I deliver to him it has always been to his place and he always invites me in. That’s why I think he’s gay and not just a metrosexual. He’s always nice, ALWAYS drunk or otherwise fucked up and he always tips very well, like $10 minimum.

The last time I was at his place he invited me in and there was a younger guy sitting on his couch and he looked completely out of place. The customer, as always, was dressed up real nice. The younger guy on the couch was thugged out, ball cap on backwards but to the side a bit, big heavy coat on, spoke with a white thug accent. The guy on the couch asked me if I wanted to do any drugs. I declined.

Well tonight I had to call because I had two bits of info on the order. His address and a note saying to go to the clubhouse, which has a different address. A girl answered and I heard music in the background, so I figured it was the clubhouse. She told me it was the townhouse, so that’s where I went.

When I got to the door I heard the music, loud R&B/Hip Hop, and I heard a few people talking loudly and laughing. When I knocked, a guy answered the door, maybe early twenty-something. In the back of the place I could see the regular customer guy talking with another guy and neither bothered to look my way. Behind the guy who answered the door, in the middle of the living room floor, were two early twenty-something girls dancing to the music. A brunette was standing with her legs spread and she was bent over at the waist with her hands on the floor in front of her, ass sticking up, while a blonde was standing behind her, hands on the brunettes hips and griding her ass, as if she were fucking her. They both looked up at me. I smiled at them, kind of laughed and directed my attention to the guy in front of me who seemed to be sober.

I told him the price of the order, $19, and he handed me two twenties and said he needed change. The brunette behind him stood up, never taking her eyes from me, and walked up behind the guy I was dealing with. She wedged herself between him and the door frame and began grinding on him, still not taking her eyes from me. She had a serious look on her face and appeared to be intoxicated on something.

At one point he kind of laughed and told her to get back, but she persisted. As I was trying to find change for a twenty, she then took her finger and began lightly scratching under my chin. I just smiled, but I kept looking through my money to find adequate change.

He finally got her to move, but she went to his other side and again wedged herself between him and the door frame and continued to grind on him. I found a ten and a five dollar bill and handed them to him and began looking for another five. She once again took her finger and lightly scratched under my chin. I smiled again and looked up and she was singing along to the song playing loudly in the background, still focused completely on me.

He handed me back the five I gave to him and I said he had more change coming and he said to keep it. I thanked him and then he told me to have a good night. I said I figured he would probably have a better night than me. He laughed while she moved behind him and wrapped her arms around him, rubbing his chest with both hands, and then pulling him back into the townhouse. Nice. And before anyone asks, yes, she was attractive. So was the blonde.

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Beefy Ecards: Y U NO WORK FACEBOOK?!?!

I just saw my Facebook Movie, this thing Facebook slapped together for everybody because they’ve been around for 10 years and it’s big news.

Facebook Turns 10
Tuesday, February 4th, 2014

Facebook, the popular social networking site, turns ten years old today.

“It’s big news.” – Myspace

Here’s the one they made for me.

y-u-no-work-facebook