Tag Archives: horror

Movie Review: Orphan

Recently I found out one of my favorite Stephen King novels, “Cell,” is going to be made into a movie starring John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson. They once starred together in another Stephen King adaptation of “1408.” I also saw a young actress playing the part of “Alice” and wondered who she was. The actress is Isabelle Fuhrman, and I had not seen her in anything, except for “The Hunger Games” as “Clove” although I fell asleep right after it started. But I noticed on her profile on IMDB that she was in a movie called (SURPRISE) “Orphan” and it looked good enough that I thought I’d give it a watch.

Cute.

Cute.

You should know by now I’m all about spoilers, so expect them.

First of all, this movie reminded me quickly of “The Good Son” with Macaulay Culkin and Elijah Wood. Except “Orphan” was good.

Seriously, I was 13 when I went to the theater to see “The Good Son” and when Macaulay said to Elijah, “Don’t fuck with me.” I wanted to walk out. The only way Macaulay could have ever been scary is if he promised to straighten himself out and continue his career by first revitalizing the “Home Alone” franchise. No fucking thanks. There’s a reason Elijah still has a great career and Macaulay doesn’t, and drugs ain’t it. Well okay, drugs is one of the bigger reasons.

BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, you little shit? Elijah should have climbed back up that rope and beat the fuck out of him. On to something better.

She's a pretty good little psychopath.

She’s a pretty good little psychopath.

“Orphan” is about a rich married couple who has two children. They would have had three, but the last one died before it was born. So now they want to adopt. They go to the orphanage to pick out a new child and CCH Pounder helps them to find one. CCH, for those of you who don’t know, is an amazing actress who was in one of my all time favorite movies, “Demon Knight.”

At one point while the main characters were walking around their very nice, most likely very expensive house, my wife asked me why it is these movies always show people living in the posh estates and not in a trailer or something. I told her I appreciated seeing rich people having bad shit happen to them. It makes me feel like we’re not that different, they and I.

The parents discover little Esther painting some really good stuff. They talk to her, decide they like her and take her home. And then, naturally, shit hits the fan. She starts destroying the family from the inside. Slowly, methodical, devious. And then she starts killing people, like CCH Pounder, whom she bludgeons to death with a hammer. It’s actually a pretty nasty scene, too. She doesn’t just hit her a couple of times, she really goes to town on her. It was so bad my wife said she couldn’t watch any more. Then again, my wife sort of is a pussy.

With that said, here’s the scene.

Then she does more bad stuff but the mom had caught on to her, only the family wasn’t believing her. The son knew and the daughter knew, but both were too scared of Esther to say anything, even though the mom made it clear she knew something was wrong. The dad, on the other hand, was a fucking douche and it’s a good damn thing he was murdered violently. It looked like he suffered through a lot of pain as well, which is good.

With that said, here’s the scene.

Some bad moves on the parts of the characters in the movie, which one should expect when watching a horror movie. Those moments when you’re all “What the fuck are you doing, dumbass?! Don’t go in there! GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT! Fuck I hope you die.” And then you applaud when they die. Yeah, quite a few moments in there. Otherwise, pretty good movie. Not nearly enough deaths, but that’s something I’ll just never really be happy with, so I’m used to it. But at least the deaths we get out of this movie are pretty awesome.

I give this movie 4 of 5 stars. Or 8 of 10, if you need that kind of rating.

Movie Sequels?

In the world of movies we’re sometimes promised a sequel, especially at the end of a comedy. It’s happened time and time again… they promise a sequel but they were just kidding. HA! Funny joke.

Sure there are tons of instances where sequels are actually announced by a director or writer or studio and then nothing happens. Or a sequel is started and then falls flat and nothing ever comes of it. Like in the case of Sleepaway Camp 4: The Survivor, where scenes were filmed but the filmmakers went bankrupt before they were done, so someone else pieced the filmed scenes together and released it as a shitty, half-assed movie. Or the star who originally green-lights it drops out because he’s an idiot, like with Dumb & Dumber 2.

Lately I’ve heard of a few different sequels that ACTUALLY HAPPENED… sort of… It pisses me off because it was like, we got more of what we all seemed to want, but not entirely. It’s kind of like wanting to eat some pizza and someone gives you some pizza flavored Combos.

"Pizzeria?" So these taste like a pizza shop? Mmm.

“Pizzeria?” So these taste like a pizza shop? Mmm.

Here are a few movies that gave the fans what they wanted. Kinda sorta…

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Movie Review: Smiley

Oh man, do people love to hate this movie. If you go to the IMDB forum and read some of the discussions on this flick, wow, you’d almost feel bad for the movie even if you hadn’t seen it yet. There are a couple of people who say they like it, and those who don’t like it attack the ever loving shit out of them. As if it actually offends people that someone, anyone could like this movie.

smiley-movie

The official reviews of the movie are almost all unanimous in saying how horrible it is. Nothing is left untouched either. The acting, writing, directing, pace, scenery, blood, gore, deaths are all horrible.

I liked it. And to those on IMDB’s message board who think anyone who liked this movie actually had something to do with this movie (seriously, go read the comments of the haters, they insist everyone who likes it worked on the film cause that’s the only argument they could come up with) I had nothing to do with this movie. If I had, I would have changed some things.

Sure it’s a decent flick in my opinion. But it could have been better. The pacing is a bit slow and at times I felt like the movie was never going to end. But the pace kept up at just the right speed to keep me interested. It added new stuff to the story at just the right spots to make the film bearable.

For my tastes in a slasher film there wasn’t enough death, there wasn’t enough blood and there wasn’t enough gore. There weren’t even any sex scenes and hardly none to no nudity. There wasn’t even really that much cussing. But still, it wasn’t that bad.

Here’s why I really liked it. The slasher genre is basically dead and gone. Too many people want to see suspense thrillers now and that’s what studios are pumping out. A page on Facebook that I follow, Horror Society, posted a question the other day asking their fans to name all of the slasher films that have come out in the last 2 years and sadly the only two movies anybody could really throw back at them were “Hatchet” and “Smiley.” And “Hatchet” fucking sucked.

Not even the presence of horror legends Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees), Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) or Tony Todd (Candyman) could save “Hatchet.” It was too over produced. It looked too clean. It wasn’t gritty at all. I had my hopes set high for “Hatchet” when it was announced because I’m a fan of slasher films. I wanted so bad for their to be a new slasher franchise, and with those name drops how in the hell could it be bad? Well, it was. And I was more disappointed than when I found out George W. Bush was elected to a second term.

I had all but given up hope. And then I saw an ad for “Smiley” and I was intrigued. It looked good. The killer, Smiley, looked freaky. I gave it a shot and it wasn’t as bad as “Hatchet” and that’s why I liked it.

As I said, I would have made some changes had I had anything to do with it, but I enjoyed the story and I enjoyed the ending. At first the ending started to be sort of cheesy and it seemed that the writers had no idea how to end it so they just kept writing dialogue and making it as horrible as they could, and then BAM! Cool way to end the film.

What I really like about it is, if the makers of the movie (who have announced there will be a sequel) take a little more time with the sequel and really go for glory, they could have a damn good movie. With their current premise, I see a lot of potential. But I think if they decide to put out another film that resembles the first too closely, it isn’t going to be impressive at all. In order to make it work, they have to throw in a few boob shots, one sex scene, a lot more gore and a few more deaths. Maybe a little bit better of a story and I think they’ll be good to go. They are making a horror/slasher movie here after all, and those are what you should get in a horror/slasher movie.

The only real tragedy I found with the movie was the chick at the beginning of the movie who dies first, she was really hot and attractive and I could understand everything she said. She died. Then one of the two main characters in the movie, a girl named “Proxy,” spoke too fast throughout the movie and very unclearly and I had a hard time understanding what she was saying most of the time she was talking. The first chick to die should have had her role and vice versa. Other than that, the cast was pretty good, the acting was better than everyone gives credit and there’s even an appearance by the awesome Keith David who I will always like after his excellent role in the awesome comedy “Men At Work” with the Estevez brothers Emilio and Carlos.

To give you a quick synopsis of “Smiley” since I haven’t done that yet, there’s this “urban legend” that says if you go onto one of those roulette chat sites, start a conversation with some random person and during the conversation you type in “I did it for the lulz” three times, Smiley will appear behind the person you’re talking to and kill them. People start doing it and people start dying.

If I could slash people to death and get away with it, I'd always wear a smile too.

If I could slash people to death and get away with it, I’d always wear a smile too.

Smiley is a man who sewed his eyes shut and cut his mouth in the shape of a smile (yet he has no nose and nobody ever says anything about it) and the appearance of him is quite disturbing. There just wasn’t really enough of him in the movie, nor was there much depth to him or his character. He wasn’t so much a slasher. He appears, stabs someone once or maybe cuts their throats and that’s that. He’s no Freddy or Jason, but he’s a good attempt to keep the slasher genre alive and I hope part 2 evolves into something a little more decent than the first showing. Even still, you should give “Smiley” a chance. There are so many good places they could go with a sequel and I hope they delve into those.

I give this movie 6 of 10 stars.

I Am The Cinema Sadist

EDITOR NOTE: Ladies and gents, allow me to introduce a good friend of mine who’ll hopefully be blogging on here for a while before fame and fortune take him away to his own blog somewhere far from here. Until then, please welcome in The Cinema Sadist! He’ll be entertaining us with his movie reviews!

Clearly, the average film viewer does not spend too much time thinking. They look at some films with questionable content as “bad” or “unwatchable”. THANKFULLY, I am now here to do that thinking FOR you. In my following writings, I will review films that the masses have written off as films you should miss, for these are my FAVORITE films. Just the idea of watching one of these “bad” movies has me very excited…mmm hmm…VERY excited INDEED. So, if you are like me (and who does not wish to be like ME) and you jerk yourself off to the final scene in the sewer at the end of Friday The 13th Part 8- Jason Takes Manhattan, come by in a few days…in fact, that’s exactly the movie I believe I will start off with. Good day, and remember that Robert Pattinson isn’t a BAD actor…he’s simply just misunderstood.

Movie Review: V/H/S

VHS-Movie-Poster-2012A friend of mine (and one of my TWO hair stylists) told me to check this out, so I have. And let me first say that while it started out slow, it turned out to be rather interesting.

This is one of them run-of-the-mill “Blair Witch” type movies, completely shot in POV style and the audience is supposed to think it’s real. Of course nowadays with all of our “Paranormal Activities” and the like, we’re a wiser bunch. But still, there’s something about these types of movies that a lot of people like to watch, that’s why they continue to come out. I’m one of them, personally, although my favorite to this day is “The Last Broadcast.”

This story is set back when VHS tapes dominated the mainstream and when camcorders mostly used them to record. It’s about a set of petty thieves who are hired by someone to retrieve a VHS tape, but they’re not told what’s on it. They’re only told that they’ll know it when they find it.

They get to this old house where only an older man lives and they break in. They soon discover the old man is dead, and he has a shit load of tapes. They begin searching for the right one.

Teach tape they watch shows them fucked up footage of some crazy shit, with each tape getting worse than the previous one. A lot of people are murdered in some fucked up ways, and others are just tortured.

Through most of the movie I was enjoying it in parts, not entirely thrilled with the whole thing, because really, if you don’t know that there’s really no main actor in it and no real story in it, then you’ll be lost through most of it. If you choose to watch this movie, which I suggest you do if you like horror and want to see something a little different and out there, know that it’s basically a collection of stories done by different directors and writers and the petty-thieves story is used to tie them all together. Go into this movie expecting nothing more than a bunch of fucked up short stories that are not really related to one another other than by the fact that they’re all fucked up.

I thoroughly enjoyed it and am glad I sat through the whole thing. By the end of the movie was happy I watched it. It’s good to see this kind of stuff being made and I hope there’s more of it in the future.

I give this movie 9 of 10 stars.

Movie Review: The Slaughter (Spoilers)

Lately I’ve been looking up on a new favorite actress of mine. Mostly because she’s hot. She’s on the hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard list.

I first saw her in the zombie flick Zombie Strippers where she played a hardcore army chick who kicks ass.

Then, to keep you from all of the bullshit detail, I found another movie that she was in on Netflix called The Slaughter.

The movie starts with a bunch of hot chicks chanting about this demon chick Ctulha. Then they get naked and offer a very gratuitous amount of boobs. Nice boobs. Then they all begin stabbing something, they never show you what, and they get all covered in blood. Cool.

Then the demon Ctulha rises from the ground and she’s all kinds of hot but she looks like she got smacked in the face with an ugly stick, of dynamite. Then she looks at the leader of the group and…

The leader of the group wakes up in bed. It was a nightmare, apparently. She goes to check on her daughter, who is still asleep. Then she goes downstairs and talks to her husband on the phone. She has a hot accent. She sees blood dripping from the ceiling and runs upstairs to find her daughter has been mutilated by an ax. Awesome.

She gets so terrified she runs down the hall and gets tripped up by ghostly hands that are reaching up from the floor. This throws her over the balcony where she falls from the second floor to the first, getting impaled on a coat rack. It was ironic for me because she totally ran into the coat rack when she first went downstairs and it scared her. So instead of just walking around it she moved it aside. I thought then that it was probably going to come into play later and SURPRISE! It did.

Fast forward 40 years and a bunch of college aged kids are heading there to clean it up so some rich asshole dude can sell it. Then they all get murdered. It’s pretty awesome.

Laura Bach, although I’m not sure what her real name is, is credited in this movie as Laura Stein. Could be Laura Steinbach, which would make sense, but I don’t know. However, in this movie she plays Heather and she’s a whore. Makes sense to me. All girls named Heather are whores. Folks, if you want to assure your daughter grows up to be a whore, name her Heather. I’m positive on this.

Anyway, this Heather chick is hot because she’s Laura Bach. Here’s a view of her after she’s dead and possessed by Ctulha.

By the end of the movie you get to view Ctulha not dead and ugly, but living and hot. She’s played by the gorgeous Adriana Esquivel, who now joins Rogue and Laura Bach on the hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard list.

One of the characters in the movie is a stoner who is well written and acted. He’s funny as hell and his death is very sick and well done.

There’s also this pussy asshole dude who’s death is cheesy, but very imaginative and gross. Plus, he gets to nail Laura Bach in the movie in a sex scene that is, at the very most, decent, but could have been better. Apparently Laura Bach doesn’t do nude scenes. In this movie, you do get a ton of side boob shots, but no full on shots, and you do get a couple of good ass shots. Still, it’s cool to see some skin on this babe.

When it comes down to the final two living folks, they have a pretty decent banter that is pretty comical. It goes a little something like this.

Dana: I think we lost them. Where’s Alexandria?
Iggy: They ate her!
Dana: So we’re the only ones left?
Iggy: It’s just you and me. Two mere mortals against evil unknown fighting the preternatural powers of a hell spawn succubus!
Dana: FUCK HER! Fuck her and the forces of darkness that created her! Fucking she-bitch from hell. Hateful, evil, murderous bitch with no friends and bad skin! We can DO THIS! What do we have?
Iggy: For what?
Dana: Like, weapons to fight off the supernatural forces of darkness.
Iggy: Nothing.
Dana: Something holy?
Iggy: Nope.
Dana: Spells? Incantations?
Iggy: Bupkis.
Dana: Protective amulets?
Iggy: Negatory.
Dana: There’s gotta be some type of magic charm to command the evil.
Iggy: I don’t know, man.
Dana: THERE’S ALWAYS A MAGIC CHARM TO COMMAND THE EVIL!
Iggy: That just sounds gay.
Dana: There’s gotta be something. ANYTHING.
Iggy: We got nothing, man. NOTHING.
Dana: And that is the best weapon we have.
Iggy: Wait wait wait, nothing is something?
Dana: A big something.
Iggy: Then we don’t have nothing.
Dana: No.
Iggy: We have something.
Dana: Nothing.
Iggy: I’m confused.

This conversation goes on and is enjoyable all the way through. A lot of parts of this movie are that way, but then again there are some really badly written parts. There’s also some bad editing and directing, but much like the writing, there are also moments of brilliance in it.

On Netflix this movie has 2 1/2 stars and I felt overall it should have had, the way it is, at the very least 3 1/2 stars. It could have pulled in 4 or more if a little more TLC had gone into the editing and writing. But with the way it is, it’s a really good B-movie with some really good special effects both standard and CGI.

I recommend this movie for anybody who has a love for low budget horror flicks that are done very well. It has a decent creepiness factor as well as decent special effects and death scenes. Check it out.