A while back I posted a questionnaire here, totally forgot about it (as I do) and Rob Simple answered the questions and came up with his own. You can read his responses (which are in true form very entertaining) by clicking the link I just provided, just now, right there, back a few words. He then provided some questions of his own because that’s what the questionnaire rules make you do (again I forgot that part) so I’m going to answer his questions here. I will not be following it with more fucking questions, but I will be promptly ending this post after them, so stay tuned for that.
1. Barack Obama is the first black President of the United States. What is your favourite Beatles album? First I’d like to point out that even though he’s our President, his name is still “spelled wrong” according to my browser’s spell check. Hysterical. My favorite Beatles album would have to be the soundtrack to Yellow Submarine, because that was the first one I owned by them. It was a present given to me at Christmas by my mom, along with my first ever Sony Discman. At the time I was taking driver’s ed, the in-car part, and while the other kids were driving around and I was patiently awaiting my turn, I was in the back seat of the car listening to the CD on my Discman.
2. Would you rather fall from a great height head-first or arse-first? I’d rather not fall from a great height at all. I’m actually scared of heights, so to be in that predicament would be amazing, to begin with. And then, will I be landing on something soft or in a net like at the circus? Or would I be hitting rock bottom? If I’m landing on something nice and soft or a net I’d prefer to go ass first. But otherwise make it head first. I don’t want to survive that.
3. A sex-maniac has broken into your home and demanded that you insert the nearest household item into your bottom if your life is to be spared. What’s going up the old dirt trail? Considering my wife is constantly trying to shove stuff up my pooper, this isn’t far from actually happening. I’d have to go with the broom handle. At least it’s rounded at the top.
4. Barry Manilow has got drunk at a book-signing and wet himself. It just so happens that you are wearing matching trousers. Do you help him out, trading the shame of piss-stained of trousers for a great anecdote, or leave him to sit in his moist shame? First of all, I wouldn’t be anywhere where Manilow is, and second if it happened, I’d take a picture of it, point and laugh, and write a blog piece about it. I wouldn’t share my pants with him. I’m sure he’d like to share my pants with me, though.
5. Alec Baldwin is drunk again, stripped to the waist and fixing for a fight. You know he has the upper-hand through brute strength and general insanity, how do you subdue him? Alec, I’m having trouble remembering which of the Baldwin’s he is. I mean in all honesty they’re all the same, aren’t they? I know, I’d introduce him to a pissed-himself Barry Manilow, put on Yellow Submarine and let them go at it with a broom handle.
6. You’ve been caught shaving local cats, again, and the judge gives you the choice between a twenty hour marathon of ‘Real Housewives of the Orange County’ or a night in prison where you will almost certainly be buggered. Oh man. Prison.
7. While at a recording for The X Factor, Simon Cowell spots you in the audience and invites you to his dressing room. When you enter he is dressed in blackface and ladies bloomers. You realise his intentions after discovering the door has been locked from the outside, but you know no one will believe you. What do? For starters, I wouldn’t be at the X Factor, and if by some miracle I was I sure wouldn’t accept an invite into his dressing room because he’s an ass. BUT, should all of this happen (and I’d be playing the lottery if it did) I’d take a picture with my cell phone, save it right next to the one of Manilow pissing himself, and then I’d bum rush him. I’m a big guy, I’m sure my weight slamming into him would cause some sort of damage to him. I’d then throw myself at the door until it broke, kill the person who took me to the fucking recording, and hitchhike home with questionable travelers.
8. You notice some policemen beating up a black man down an alleyway. Upon closer inspection you realise it is Lenny fucking Henry. Do you do the right thing, and walk away, or step in and start interfering, as usual? I don’t get involved with police matters. But I will take a picture with my cell phone (do you see a trend here?) and share it with the world later.
9. You’ve just woken up next to a dead politician with the murder weapon in your hand. The police are breaking down the door as we speak. Think fast. Clean off my fingerprints and shove the weapon in the dead man’s hand. “I swear, I tried to stop him but… he got to his throat before I could get to him…” Then I’d take a picture…
10. You’re waiting at a bus stop when the woman next to you starts having a heart attack. For some reason you have the necessary medical knowledge to save her, but as you wade into the fray you realise she is wearing Crocs. Seriously, why the fuck would anyone actively choose to wear Crocs? I have no idea. I bought a pair of their sandals once because I HAD to. They were overpriced and they’re not comfortable, so I have no idea why anybody would wear them.
11. I mean, even if tomorrow every other shoemaker in the world announced they no longer made shoes in my size, I would sooner cut my fucking toes off to squeeze into a ten than wear those rubber atrocities. Ugh…who was your favourite Friend in Friends? Believe it or not, I was actually a fan of the show. Not at first, I didn’t start watching it until they were probably in their third or fourth season, and I only started watching because they went into syndication on another channel, and that’s when I started watching. I actually never saw a new episode as it originally aired until the last season. And then I bought their final episode the week after it aired because it was released on DVD, you know, to make a ton of cash off of that final episode. I still have that DVD and I own no other DVDs of that show. And I’m only a moderate fan, I watched the show if nothing else was on. That being said, I’d have to say my favorite character was Chandler with a close second going to Rachel. I’d like to do Rachel. Not necessarily Jennifer Aniston, but Rachel. I don’t know why, I think it was the server outfit she wore at the coffee shop. But Phoebe, I’d definitely bang her. I change my answer, Phoebe was my favorite. In 2005 she did an artsy movie called “Happy Endings” and it mostly sucked. At the end I was not happy. But in the beginning of the movie she does this sex scene and you get a glimpse of her boobs, only it turns out it was a body double, so she’s no longer my favorite.